Harry Potter Summarized in 1 Minute

HARRY POTTER SUMMARIZED IN ONE MINUTE

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Being a scientist at our book-shortening organization is the best job in the world.

You've read the title. I know what you want, dear reader. Let me guess on how you stumbled onto this article. You were on your regular scroll down TikTok alleyway when your mom bolted into your room, blew up your wall with a C4, and asked you to read a long-ass book that nobody has the time for in this decade. And then you tried to say something, like "But I don't have time for this, madam! I'm too busy playing Mario Kart for the Wii... on my Wii!", your mother sent a truck to your room to feed you a constant supply of even more books! Well get ready Billy, because if reading too many books has already blown your brain to Mars, this page will blow your ass to Jupiter.

With these five easy methods on how we did it, you'll see how we've converted all two hundred and twenty-three pages of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone into a single minute paragraph. All that you need is just a bit of time, and the knowledge to understand the English language. Now hold your ass very closely Billy, because these next paragraphs will be important.

How We Do it

This woman has spent his entire life copying down each page of the Harry Potter book. What a nerd.

Heh, I'm glad you asked, Billy, you fecking idiot. Well, to understand how we created this copy of the first Harry Potter book that can be read in less than a minute, you first must understand how books are created, Billy. You see, before we had the printing press, we used to have these men who would devote their whole lives to creating books. But then we realized that dedicating whole lives to simply create books is a dumb idea, so we improvised and created the printing press. About five hundred years later, and now we have typewriters, the greatest technology to ever exist, and now we have men and women working together to spend their entire lives to raising children, and typing down pages from the Harry Potter series.

Now that your brain has been filled with all of the knowledgesauce that is required on this page, we may now talk about how we made this copy. You see, each book is made out of pages. And what we've done to each page is simple. It's so simple that we've made an acronym to simplify matters. This acronym is called F.A.S.T., and we'll talk about it, Billy. Has your ass exploded yet? Because you'd better hold onto your ass, Billy. We're about to go eighty-nine miles per hour and beyond, buddy, okay? So strap your seat belt onto your butt, 'cause things are about to go from one to one hundred real quick 'ere.

The F.A.S.T. Method

Sometimes, penises aren't the only things to worry about. Your copy can grow wings sometimes!

The F.A.S.T. Method was invented by scientists Richard Wilson in 1952 after he realized that he had to stop his sex session to go to the airport to fly to Washington, D.C. to be a soldier in the fight against the Soviets. He was a brave fighter, Billy, and you should become more like him. But that's not important, and you shouldn't care about him, Billy. He was a drug addict and died of loneliness the same year. It was only recently that his work was rediscovered by William Wilson in 1962, who also died from loneliness. Weirdos...

F.A.S.T. stands for:

• Fucking
• Assholes
• Should Shit
• Themselves

The first step is to fuck the book. Date with it. Bring it out to a fancy restaurant. Fall in love. Marry it, and birth seven unique book children, who, over time, will raise their own book children. This is done to create multiple copies of the book, though this step has unintended consequences. We've noted that the books may occasionally grow... penises using this method? Huge-ass penises. Billy, you know what a penis is, right?

The second and third steps are to shit on the pages of the books. Take a very refreshing dump on the books, until all that brown stuff comes right onto the pages. This may seem stupid to do, but trust me, it's a part of the process. Plus, Assholes Should Shit stands for A.S.S., which is like a secret acronym in the acronym. You like finding secrets, right? The final step is to cut out the shitted on parts and to stick the parts that aren't shit together. That way, you can only get the good and important parts of the book while leaving all of the shitty parts out! Genius, isn't it, Billy?

With the F.A.S.T. method, we can turn books from thousands of pages into several! It works so effectively. Several questions have been asked about how we do this method though, such as "Who does the shitting?", or "If you're getting rid of books' pages that have been ripped... does that mean you're ripping apart a sentient being?". These questions have been asked by a severe lunatic, and several legal lawsuits and blackmail threats have been sent to their house, full of pages that have been shat on.

Pros

Mighty, Billy, you dare to ask a question like that? Well, to put it lightly, the amount of experiences you'll get with this copy of Harry Potter Summarized in 1 Minute are endless! Here's a list of a couple things that you'll get.

• Did you know you'll get more of ME? And remember, I've been here the whole time, and I've been such a good narrator, right Billy?
• Did you know you'll get a billion dollars? Now do the math here, Billy. You'll get a billion dollars... with several notable exceptions. That's a lot of money!
• Did you know you'll get endless boners? Honestly, this should be the only sentence in this section. Scrap that, that should be the ONLY sentence in this page. Get all of those other lame sentences outta here!

And honestly, here's twenty more reasons on why you should get it:

• Santa will come to your house faster. We need the child demographic, after all.
• That's all.

Cons

(Besides the extra penises, we usually remove those before shipping, but not all the time. Sometimes a book has a little willy that we just don't detect.)

Our Reviewers

If you ever feel scared about buying this product, here's the words from our reviewers. Their words, not mine.

“ It works so efficiently! Sometimes I tell this story to my children!

”

— Oscar Wilde

“ Wow! This is so... not mid! And I wrote this book!

”

— J.K. Rowling

“ Has anybody realized how DOGSHIT this thing is? L-like, all it is is a single page! And it's not even cohesive! I've worked for the Guardian, so I know how it's like to write. How can anyone buy this shit? It smells like shit, too! And plus, I've bought their other shortened books, and it's all the same thing! Just a bunch of random words brought together. IT'S FUCKING CRAZY! WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS!
AND PLUS, THEY [Data Expelled]

”

— A lunatic

The Story

Are you ready? This is the culmination of weeks, months, hell, maybe even years of brute forcing, work, other stuff I refuse to comment on... This is,

HARRY POTTER SUMMARIZED IN ONE MINUTE

IN THREE...























TWO...























ONE...







































































Shit happened.

Thank You

Thank you for reading our article. As a reward, you may turn off the "The person reading this article hasn't read Harry Potter Summarized in 1 Minute." warning at the top by pressing this button. After pressing that button, scroll down back here, Billy. We have a lot to talk about.

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