Hansi Kürsch
“Is that the new math teacher?”
“Where are the books?”
“My wife doesn't like this book”
“I'm a hobbit”
“It has been a long time since I read the book”
“Give me my precious”
“Mi what? Never heard about.”
Hansi Baggins Feanor Kuersch is a Middle Earth immortal Elf Heavy Metal god born in the medieval village of Krefeld many centuries ago. He is the founder member of Mordor's medieval folk band Blind Guardian. He is popular for his cake and book addiction which distinct him from other metal singers. He is also known for being super cringe.
Currently he has been on rehab for overuse of drugs and he has been overcoming his past addiction, which is a common problem among metal stars of such gauge like him. Hansi has been reportedly clean and haven't touched a Muffin for 3 days. Cake addiction is sadly a common thing between the members of his band. Due to such substance abuse Hansi has gained some considerable weight during his carrer.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Hansi was born in the second age in the village of Krefeld. He was born in a family of hobbits and was raised by his uncle Bilbo Baggins. He was a very shy kid and was bullied by the other hobbits and other magical creatures for being a nerd and spending the whole day reading and collecting books. Due to a spell cast by the Dark Lord Zargotrax, Hansi became immortal and lived through the entire Silmarilion and Lord of the Rings until the 6th age of the earth when he decided to stop reading books and go out touch some grass.
Lucifer's Heritage[edit | edit source]
In the year of 300 Y.T. in the old village of Krefeld a group of nerds decided to start a heavy metal band after being bullied for centuries by the infamous dark lord Mille Petrozza. Hansi was found by Lucifer's Heritage lute player AutismAndre Olbrich while screaming in fear and agony from bullies. After hearing that he decided to invite him to be a bard on his new band.
The initial members of the party were:
- Hansi: vocals, bass, flute, magical staff. His class is Mage.
- Andre: lute, acoustic guitar, electric guitar, magic supersonic fingers, archer. His race is Elf.
- Denki: electric guitar, harpsichord, lute, meele weapons. His is the healer.
- Thomas: drums, percussion, flute, Axe. His race is Dwarf.
The band was named after Thomas's grandfather "Lucifer Stauch".
It was right at this time that Hansi started to show sings of a extreme book obsession that can be seen all over the song's lyrics and that would last throughout his whole career. This same book obsession would later affect his relationship with Blind Guardian's fans and his own daily relationship leading to the destruction of his marriage.
Blind Guardian[edit | edit source]
After realizing the first name was too stupid they decided to go for a even worse name than the one before. A new party was born:
- Hansi: No longer using a magical staff, he now uses the weapon of dialog as the Game Master. His new class is Bard.
- Andre: No longer using a bow and arrow, he now uses a magical swords. His new class is Warrior.
- Marcus: Guitar, Acoustic Guitar, Lute, Harpsichord, Hurdy Gurdy. He is a Speelcaster.
- Thomas: Washing Machine
Cake Addiction[edit | edit source]
The career as a metal star and Game Master was not easy for Hansi. He was constantly bullied by the other members of the band for being a nerd and for being the only one who didn't know how to play an instrument and for taking his party to the dungeons with least loot. The other members of the band were open to the modern electronic video games while he was resistant to these changes and trusted more on his books. This constant bullying led him to a deep depression and he started to consume drugs to cope with the pain. He started to consume muffins and cakes in a daily basis. This addiction would later lead to his weight gain.
Being a cake addict did not prevent him from writing some of the most iconic songs of the band like "The Bard's Song" and "Mirror Mirror". He was also able to write the entire Nightfall in Middle Earth album while being high on cakes. Some even speculate and suggest that his immense vocalic power came from the cake power.
Demons & Lizards[edit | edit source]
Hansi missed getting bullied and involving in polemics so he started a new band with his dearest friend Jon Schaffer. With this he started a new party:
- Hansi: vocals, bass, flute, demon staff, blind guardian's vocalist cosplay. His race is Demon.
- Jon: Guitar, Acoustic Guitar, swastika, panzer tank. His race is Lizardfolk and he is a Tank.
Due to the lack of assistance from Jon, Hansi had to invite some members from his previous band to help him with their quests.
Unfortunately in 2021 Y.T. the band was disbanded due to Jon's involvement in the nazi party reconstruction and begining of the 4th reich.
Recently[edit | edit source]
After being defeated by the supreme dark lord of dundee Hansi died. However he returned back to Middle Earth as "Hansi the Black" to complete his mission and restore peace once again to the world of metal.
