Portal:Science

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The Science Portal
Science: the study of goop

Science, in the narrow sense of the term, refers to any system of knowledge attained by verifiable means. In a very broad sense of the term, science refers to a system of acquiring unclear ideas based on magical thinking, speculation, peer pressure, and convenience, which are all neatly packaged under the label of "research."

Scientists adhere almost religiously to the scientific method, a process they deem suitable for properly developing and evaluating ludicrous explanations for unobservable phenomena based on hare-brained study and questionable verification. Although science claims to bypass supernatural explanation, science is ultimately based on human observation and consciousness, something fundamentally unknown and unknowable.

Fields of science are commonly classified along three major lines: Supernatural sciences, which study the twilight zone, Anti-Social Sciences, which study subhuman behavior and societies, and the Humanities, which study the effects of alcohol on Post-Grads. Mathematics is not a science, but rather a kind of literature based on symbols rather than words. Engineering is not a science, or even an applied science, but rather a simple rulebook of formulas created by mathematicians to the less developed so they can do the hard work of making bridges and pylons. (See more...)

Featured Article
Clearly not the same as

In mathematics, 0.999... (also denoted , or "all those nines") is a recurring decimal that is, no matter what the so-called 'scientists' say, in no way, shape or form equal to 1. It is at best a poser, repeatedly trying, in vain, to sit at the cool kids' lunch table with the rest of the whole numbers.

Some mathematicians state that if you can fit another number between two number (I.E. an average), then they are two different numbers. If this is not possible, then the numbers are one and the same, proving that 0.999...=1. The greatest genius of our time disagrees, however. There is a hyperreal number for 0.999... When using the Beziér-Parnot construction as outlined in 1584, one gets .999...=1-1/10^H. This is also the exact number of angels that can fit on the head of a pin.

Featured Biography
Inventor of the peanut

George Washington Carver (July 12, 1864 – January 5, 1943) was an African-American botanist and inventor, commonly remembered for discovering over 100 uses for sweet potatoes and 300 for peanuts, including peanut butter. He is also credited with single-handedly rescuing the South from cotton monoculture and inventing crop rotation. All this is complete and utter bullshit. However, he has been correctly identified as the inventor of doing "nuttin'".

Despite popular belief, Carver had absolutely nothing to do with George Washington — or the carving up of George Washington's cherry tree. This may seem silly to some or perhaps startling however this a parody on the distinction between "His" story vs "the" story. Enjoy and don't take it seriously. But know that this is how our history books read! Carver was born into slavery in Missouri in 1864. His mother died while he was an infant and his kindly former slave master raised him and his brother, Benedict Arnold Carver, as their own children. In his infancy, he developed severe lung disease, preventing him from doing any physical work throughout his entire life.

Written by Mnbvcxz
Featured Lab Equipment
Uniremote.jpg

The Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is a portable device resembling an ordinary television remote control, except that it's about the size of a laptop and needs to be connected to a local nuclear power station in order to run. The beauty (and some say terror) of the Universal Remote Control Everything 3000 is that it can be used to control all the stuff outside the TV too, including (but not limited to), dogs, fridges, bouncy castles and Cliff Richard. The Remote was the brainchild of an individual who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous, because it was actually Rolf Harris, and Mr. Harris knows the true pain of ridicule.

Few people know this about Rolf, but he is obsessed with watching television to the point of losing sleep and mumbling incoherently. He was furiously attempting to repair his broken television remote control one evening by throwing it around his living room, stamping on it and soaking it in Tesco Value Coke, and he was almost ready to give up hope of fixing it. Suddenly, a random blast of gamma radiation shot out of a nearby budgie with a broken leg, and went straight into Rolf's remote. When he hit the power button a colossal explosion of a sticky red substance filled the room. The sheer scale of what he had actually created dawned upon him. He had in fact inadvertently blown up his dog's head.

Did You Know?
  • ... that researchers discovered an entirely unique form of Horrible Snowman living in a remote region of the Ural mountains?
  • ... that a new class of white dwarf stars was discovered in the data of the Slogan Analog Sky Survey? At the end of its life cycle, the star develops a tomato purée surface and atmosphere?
  • ... that the way to a man's heart is through a Y-incision, some rib shears and a sharp scalpel?
  • ... that NASA's Planetary Defense Coordination Office announced that an asteroid was set to hit Earth, but later retracted it when the object turned out to be an old DC3 on its way back to the Aviation Museum of Hämeenlinna?
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