HowTo:Persuade your husband
So you're a new bride with a husband who adores you and caters to your every whim. You are as happy as any woman could ever be. When you look into his eyes, you see that he will always be there for you to love and take care of you.
Look, you better wake up RIGHT NOW and take a good hard look at the truth. In a few short months, sports, hunting, video games, poker, or something else is going to take him away from you and leave you sad, lonely, and miserable.
Fear not, my good woman, HowTo:Persuade your husband was written especially for you. This article is guaranteed to make your marriage one that lasts, and keep your husband loyal to you 'until death do you part', or your entire purchase price will be refunded. Just follow these easy-to-understand steps and he'll be yours forever.
The first step comes from the undeniable wisdom of the Georgia Satellites:
That's right, the first thing you need to do is cut off all sex. What??? you say. Let me explain.
There are two schools of thought that lead us to the conclusion that celibacy in marriage is the preferred way to go.
According to the first school of thought, men are driven by a need to feel close, and in a marriage this is often accomplished through sexual intimacy. Use this to your advantage. If you want your husband to do what you want, you need to use sex as a carrot that is only given when your husband meets your absolute standard of perfection. Any time your spouse makes even the slightest mistake or error, cut off the sex immediately and hold off for at least three months. As his need to feel close to you deepens, he will do ANYTHING to get back into your favor, and will be more than happy to mend all his foolish ways. Soon you'll have the man of your dreams forever.
The other school of thought believes that sex, even in marriage, is based only on lust. Your husband must understand that you are not some floozie who drops her clothing at the slightest whim. Just because your husband has made a life-long commitment to you, gives you his entire pay check, fixes up stuff around the house, takes you on dates, lets you have the remote, and 1000 other things, doesn't mean that he deserves sex. (If he does not do these things, refer to the previous paragraph.) He only lusts after you. Withholding sex for extended periods of time helps him understand that you are a living, feeling person, not some lust object only for his wanton pleasure. He will respect and love you all the more for helping him overcome his base urges and become master of his emotions. You should reserve sex for your anniversary only, or maybe on his birthday IF he has shown great progress towards overcoming his inner vileness.
NOTE: If you want children, you'll need to adopt.
You must understand something about men; they're all stupid. Because men are mentally challenged, you must be there for them to help them, teach them, and love them. The best way to do this is through nagging.
In his heart, your husband wants nothing more than to make you happy, but because he is, sadly, stupid, he will forget things you ask him to do. A common law of learning is repetition, so you must constantly remind your husband to do the things you have asked him to do. Make sure to nag him every five minutes or so. This will help him to remember the things you need him to do, and in serving you, he will find happiness. He will love you more and more as you constantly nag him each day.
Nagging might seem like a simple task, but it takes effort. Let me give you a few examples:
Example 1: Your husband leaves a dish next to the sink on the counter from some snack he had
While it would be much easier for you to just put it in the dishwasher for him (I mean, it's right there), you should always take the extra effort to put the dirty dish in his underwear drawer. This will remind him that he should always be clean and tidy. Remember, your husband is stupid, and needs this sort of reminder constantly. He will appreciate the extra effort you went through to help him be a better person.
Example 2: Your husband leaves the toilet seat up
Again, with this, the easy thing for you to do would be to flick your hand and lower the seat. It would take about half a second. But do not allow yourself to take the easy way out. Your husband needs you. Use your inherent self discipline to control your bladder, and go to where ever your husband may be. If he's out in the yard, watching TV, asleep, or even at work, go to him, nag him about the toilet seat, drag him to the bathroom, and make him put the seat down for you so you can use the bathroom. Your example of self control in holding back the flow of nature while you brow-beat your spouse, will inspire him to greatness.
Example 3: Your husband neglected to take out the trash
It was trash day, and your husband forgot to take out a quarter-full trash can in your guest bathroom. A lazy woman would just put her tissue in there, copping out with a lame excuse like there's still plenty of room in there, no big deal. But you cannot do this. You must be the ever-vigilant warrior against all imperfections and urge your husband ever closer to the perfection that is his deepest desire. You must wait until your husband is at work, preferably in a meeting, then call him and demand that he come home on his lunch break to empty the quarter-full can of toxic waste. This accomplishes your goal in two ways, while he is driving home, the extra time and effort he makes to come home to empty the trash serves to remind him of his duty, and secondly, you will have enlisted the help of his coworkers in reminding him to take out that trash. Your thought and effort shows that in your home, love knows no bounds.
To keep your husband feeling that he is lucky to have you, you must show him how desirable you are. Do this by flirting with other men often. For example, if your husband wants to go fishing, mention that you get sea sick, and decline to go on the boat with him. While he is out playing with the worms, you have the opportunity to show him that you are still quite a catch yourself. Strike up a conversation with a man fishing on the shore. Laugh with him, touch him often, and give him a huge hug as if he was your best friend or maybe even a small peck on the cheek. The stranger's interest in you sends a clear message to your husband that he is extremely lucky to have you because you are one good-looking, desirable, woman. Your spouse will rejoice in the knowledge that while any man would kill to be with you, he is the one who has you. Your marriage will stay strong and happy for a lifetime.
Summing it all up
Remember, ladies, if you want your man to love you and only you, the three main things are:
- No sex
- Nag often
- Flirt with every other man you see
Doing those three simple things will be the key to a strong, happy marriage, and a man who will go to the ends of the earth for you. Your man wants to be the perfect spouse, and you can help get him there.