“I understand why Hodgepodge was important then, but why now?”
Things you've never heard of before. If you're like me, things like that don't exist. But since you're not like me, the following will probably baffle your mind as if they were in a different language: achtung, masticare, oui, Χριστός Aληθώς Ανέστη, and جهاد. This feeling is well founded, as these are indeed words of different languages and you will most likely never understand them. Your supreme not-as-good-as-me-ness would prevent such a thing from happening. But do not fear! All of those things that you don't understand that are in English (ie: the meaning of life, John Madden, and why Grey's Anatomy is so popular) can be reduced down to one simple thing: Hodgepodge. As human beings, the second dominant species on Earth (the first, of course, were the Jews), we have a responsibility to God to understand his greatest work. And thus, we begin.
Discoverers of Hodgepodge
But, before we can learn about what Hodgepodge is, we must learn who first learned what hodgepodge was about. Unfortunately, there is no concrete answer. Conflicting sources cite such different people as John the Baptist and George W. Bush. However, most of such reports have been discredited, and the remaining two people believed to have discovered Hodgepodge independently of each other are L. Ron Hubbard and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
. Both L. Ron and Sir Arty believed in Hodgepodge's validity, but Conan Doyle had a more cynical view of it. He believed it to be less than a theory, and more a means to an end. Thus, his theory of Hodgepodge is boiled down to "it's just kinda there." Therefore, the following is a presentation of L. Ron Hubbard's theory.
In the beginning, back when the Small Crackle created the universe, Hydrogen was scattered along to the farthest reaches of deep space. These particles converged to create an entirely new element: Hodgepodge. Many mistakingly believe said element to be helium, but this is untrue. Helium (and therefore all of the other "elements") was a by-product of hodgepodge. In fact, hodgepodge is the most abundant substance in the universe. Again, "science" may tell you that "hydrogen" is the "most abundant substance in the universe" due to "incontrovertible proof", but it is, again, simply untrue.
Hodgepodge in History
My friends, hodgepodge has played a major part in every event in history and those represented in 2001: A Space Odyssey. From the very beginning of the Mother Earth (Mother Theresa's sister) and its conception by Father Moon and Hermaphrodite Sun (and Favorite Daughter Mercury in a incestfully bizarre threesome), Hodgepodge has been there. The most prominent example is the classic story of when Father Moon yelled at Hermaphrodite Sun while humping Favorite Daughter Mercury as she screamed in climax, Hermaphrodite let off hodgepodge, and continues to today. Thus, life on Earth is possible due to the hodgepodge let off by our Sun. Also worthy of note, this past story was embodied in the timeless Walt Disney classic, Snow White and the Three Sexually Aroused Heavenly Bodies. Also also worthy of note, general hodgepodge was let loose in the following events:
- Conception of planets Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus (ha), Neptune and the miscarriage of the "planet" Pluto.
- Galileo's invention of the telescopic arm handle (the first Gofer).
- Euler's Fifth Posthumous (The earliest known document questioning Darwin's "theory" of evolution. Some say it is unprovable, but they're wrong. WRONG!).
- The Tobacco Industry.
- The segregation of Blacks and Whites (The laundry room will never be the same again).
- Dark Matter (A matter of grave importance).
- Two-And-A-Half Men, According to Jim, How I Met Your Mother, and Jason Alexander's newest show.
- The Paparazzi.
So, I suppose you are saying "I understand why hodgepodge was important then, but why now?" Then I suppose you look at me in wordless appeal as I calmly explain it to you. Why, certainly hodgepodge was important in history, but of course it is also relevant today. In fact, you can find hodgepodge right now, by simply looking in the mirror at your ridiculously idiotically confused face. But, there are more important people and events that can perpetuate Hodgepodge. One must remember, hodgepodge is never created nor destroyed, it simply changes the person it affects until everyone in the history and future of forever feels the trademark hodgepodge feeling. You'll know it when you feel it. Oh, wait, you already have. Anywho, as this, the
Fascist Indisputable Law of Hodgepodge, is always true, people continually exude hodgepodge. Luckily, television shows like "Extra", "The Insider", "Entertainment Tonight" and countless others of that ilk nationally televise the hodgepodge experiences for all to revel in as they swear it will never happen to them. But, remembering the Fascist Indisputable Law of Hodgepodge, it will. And when it does, be proud. Because innovations such as the Internet, Bob Saget, Game Shows and the Penance Rite allow you to share your hodgepodge with all of the world. And that, in turn, will create more hodgepodge. So, for being an idiot, don't writhe in shame, but revel in the silent lauding you will get from everyone who this affects. Pat yourself on the back. You just made God right.
An angry mother once came up to me and said "You are teaching my children a bunch of bullshit. Hodgepodge is no more real than unicorns." Now, aside from the obvious truth that unicorns are real, the idea that I'm teaching lies is preposterous. Implausible. Simply unscientific. And, as we all know, hodgepodge is scientific. In fact, it is included in the completely scientific theory of intelligent design. And yet it also forms the core basis of Scientology (albeit obliquely, as L. Ron Hubbard decided to devote his life to this other discovery of absolute Truth), the greatest
cult religion on Earth.
Anyway, back on topic. Ahem, and thus, hodgepodge always will be. It is an ever repeating cycle, like Carbon, Water, Nitrogen, Pot, Your Mom jokes, Barney, Apocalypse, and Feel Good Sports Movies. Congratulations, you have learned all there is to know.
Hodgepodge The Next Day
See Hodgepodge Tomorrow See also "Sonic the Hodgepodge"
Hodgepodge 365.26 Days From Now
Jeez, you're thinking a year ahead? I think you ought to consider kitten huffing.
The contributor of this article, Alex Trebek, is professor at the Jeopardy School of Jackasses teaching miscellanea regarding things that Master Professor Ken Jennings has left unclear. He does not often get work and thus has time to write these articles.
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|Beliefs||Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous|
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