Toilets in Japan

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Japan: the country known for weird foods, weird animation and weird culture... but do you know that they're also home of weird toilets? Yes, the people of Japan have created some truly weird toilets; some of them like our toilets back home, and some of them like we've never seen before. It is known that peeing and pooping is a common pastime in human culture, but the Japanese, well, they take it farther than anybody could ever realize. In this article we will explore Toilets in Japan, what makes them weird and what makes them oddly appealing to the human eye.

Types of toilets

Washlets

It's like you never left home.

This Japanese toilet is kind of like our ones back home, except it's much more technologically advanced and comes with many more features than you'd expect, or need. While normal toilets only come with one feature (flushing), this Japanese toilet comes with half a dozen, so you can go for a big flush or a little tiny flush, you can deodorize your poop so that it doesn't smell like a piece of shit, and you can even have fresh water sprayed upon your asshole for better pooping performance... or something like that. The Japanese must have it good for themselves; they don't have to wipe their butts, they just let the toilet do it for them.

Peeing and pooping have been considered relatively simple, but with this toilet, it gives you options to control how you pee and poop. It's almost as if the Japanese think of these things less as a natural way to relieve yourself, and more of a way of life, something that makes you a man. Your pee can be as soft as the wind or it can be as hard and forceful as the sword, and the toilet helps you with that by stimulating your pathways, making you pee and pooped like you never did before. How the Japanese discovered these bodily ways, no one knows, but it is so immersed into Japanese culture that you can't escape it.

Back at home, our toilets only have one function; the level that is used to flush the toilet. In Japan, these things come with a control panel. It's like they went above and beyond with the toilet and decided to bring the simple act of taking a dump to the future; with all of those buttons, you're not just pooping and peeing; you're pooping and peeing in the future... all while you're trying to figure out which button makes these things flush. I'm guessing the people on Star Trek must have been inspired by these things. Just watch the show; you have people pressing buttons all of the time, right? Well, they just can't sit there and not press buttons in the future, they just have to have those buttons which make peeing and pooping so much more exciting, and what is sci-fi without buttons to press and cool ass technology?

Washiki

Now that's a weird ass toilet.

Now, this toilet is a lot weirder than our toilets back home; seriously, I have never seen a toilet like this during my lifetime. This thing looks like it was designed in order to drain excess water from rooms. I think the Japanese have to go to uncomfortable methods in order to poop and pee; think about it, we have the luxury of being able to sit easily on a toilet, these people have to strain themselves every day in order to use the restroom. I'm guessing that's why the Japanese are very agile, because every time they go to the restroom they're working out every bodily muscle possible.

And upon further examination, it seems like it takes super precision in order to hit the spot on the toilet; either the Japanese are masters at pissing or pooping or someone must have not gotten the memo when they were designing the toilet. It scares me to even imagine to go in one of these potties, my shit would be on the floor, my piss would be all over the place and it would just look like a fucking mess. I'm guessing that the Japanese know this and they probably hire a 24-hour janitor just for the bathroom.

I don't get why the Japanese design their toilets this way; maybe there must have been some sort of person who was responsible for this or maybe the Japanese are just weird when it comes to designing things; I mean this is the country who came up with Hentai and allow people's genitalia to be shown on TV, can we ever expect them to design something normal at all? I'm guessing Japan must have more of these toilets than they do the other toilet and tourists like me would be forced to used them the way they were intended; whatever that way is...

I imagine they'd have a tough time adjusting to this, they would be constantly falling in the toilet, they would be straining to get their bodily functions out, they wouldn't have a good time using that toilet. Hell, even the strongest men these United States have ever known would meet their match with one of these toilets. I swear there must be someone in Japan willing enough to start a campaign to get rid of these weird ass toilets and replace them with at least normal looking toilets.

Robo-urinal

Robots and urinals… who would have thought it!

This urinal is a lot like the urinals at home, except for the small fact that this one has robot hands. I don't know what a urinal would need robotic hands for, but I'm guessing they help you hold your wee-wee while you do your business. They also provide pleasure, if you know what I mean.

Of course, with robotic hands, there also comes artificial intelligence. I never thought I'd live to see the day, but now - finally - we have a potty that will chat with you. I think it says things like "hello there, how is your day?" and "your business is appreciated." I don't know what I would say to one of these things if I ever used one… maybe who it thinks would win the world series, or whether or not it likes being pissed upon, or whether I can place my most personal and uptight secrets into these things.

However, one thing the Terminator and Matrix series taught us is that artificial intelligence will always rebel against its creators – and in this case, it will probably be for being pissed on too much. Japan’s robo-urinals will grow legs and will conquer the world one bathroom at a time - and when they’re done, they will force everybody to pee for the rest of their lifetimes, even if they don't have to. I'm not saying that would happen... just that the Japanese shouldn't make these things too smart, because they wouldn't want to be responsible for all that, now would they?

Variety

Japanese toilets come in all sorts of colors. Some are white, some are green and some are even gold. They also come in many weird shapes, from flat to expressively circular. In fact, the Japanese make their toilets look more like pieces of art than anything else.

One time, I've seen a toilet that had a load of pipes, and they were completely transparent. I had to climb tons of steps in order to get to the toilet (apparently they also think a toilet is something that you have to literally climb a mountain for), and I relieved myself just right there and then; I didn't care that my bodily functions would be seen. In fact, everyone flocked around the tubes, because apparently the Japanese also love to see your bodily functions go down a tube. After that I cleaned myself using the superior technology the Japanese have and I went on my merry way.

Worship

A throne room built specifically for the toilet.

I've read somewhere that the Japanese consider their toilets to be sacred items, mainly because they believe that the spirit of an ancient Japanese king or queen lives in there. Apparently it's tradition to build a throne room for said toilet, it apparently makes the toilet feel special in its own home and it gives the king or queen a place to rest; it's also tradition to kneel to the mercy of the toilet and pray to said kind or queen for happiness and longevity. They say that if you pray to any random toilet than you'll feel at ease with yourself, blessed that the gods of Japan have noticed you and your praying.

Seriously who knows why the Japanese pray to their toilets; it's definitely odd that they'd be praying to something that they pee and poop in, maybe Japanese Emperors used these things as literal thrones, sitting on them in order to cement their power; it'd definitely be weird though, having a toilet as your public throne. I mean who'd like to see you doing the business in public? They also say that mystical spirits surround themselves around the toilet, the spirits of the long passed on; seriously, do spirits like the natural aspects of peeing and pooping? It must be magnets for your toilet whenever you pee and poop. I say they're crazy for considering a toilet to be a part of the religion but hey, whatever floats Japan's boats; they can be as weird as they want.

Economy

Apparently the sale of toilets in Japan consists of a majority of the Japanese economy. According to sources unknown, the toilets make the Japanese around 78,496,000,000.00 Yen, ahead of such luminaries such as gaming consoles, anime and hentai. In fact, it is the most important part of the Japanese economy to a point where taking the toilets away would cause the Japanese stock market to crash and burn. I don't understand how they can take peeing and pooping and make it into a lucrative market; I mean that's all it is, peeing and pooping yet it manages to make an insanely large amount of money. I can imagine the Japanese buying new toilets every year, upgrading from toilets that now seem out-dated. Everybody wants to seem ahead of the curve, have the latest technology, have the latest iPods and they want to poop and pee in the most futuristic fashion possible and who can blame them...

US Toilets vs. Japanese Toilets

God bless America.

They say that the Japanese are very sanitary when it comes to their toilets; seriously they sanitize the seat like every time, making sure that every germ is removed from the toilet seat. I swear they're like a race of germaphobes or something; even their designs are made to be as sanitary as possible. However, sanitation doesn't even count in comparing toilet seats and our toilet seats are manlier; we didn't design them with sanitation in mind, we didn't even design them with efficiency, we just designed them to be made for peeing and pooping and that's all!

That's not to say that Japan's toilets are more advanced; I admit I wish my toilet had a control panel near its side, that way I could make it do all sorts of things such as flush and bring me up a chicken dinner directly to my bathroom; I also wished that my toilet talked to me like that robourinal they have; that way I can have intimate discussions on sports and other stuff. However, there's nothing us Americans can't do, we can take their innovations that they have laid upon the toilets, we can do it better and most of all, we can do it right.

Still there's one thing we can't be the Japanese at and that's peeing and pooping; do you see them, they can squat and poop; they don't have to sit down to do so, they can just do it standing up or squatting. It makes me disappointed to be an American because seriously, we're supposed to be better at everything and they find a way to master poop and peeing into an art form. One day I'm going to write a book that tells people how to be the masters of peeing and pooping and I'm going to base it all on what the Japanese have done; that way, we can be #1 once again. Not peeing #1 but you know...

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