2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation
“Pebble-size error in differentiation inspire more heaving than great mountain of diarrhea.”
- – Goa Tse on differential calculus
2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation is a popular Internet shock video featuring two beautiful coeds who find themselves alone in a college classroom after hours. Being young, curious, fertile women, they start talking suggestively, kiss each other - and then proceed to incorrectly solve a relatively basic calculus equation in what many viewers have called "A horrific, shocking perversion of mathematical law."
After 2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation went viral, a fad ensued on YouTube wherein people would trick graduate students in mathematics into watching the video, and then film their horrified reactions as they gag in disgust and sheer disbelief at what they are seeing.
As the film begins, it resembles a fairly innocuous soft-core pornographic film. Two young ladies, Jessica and Fawn, are sitting in a college classroom. Fawn turns to Jessica and says:
Fawn takes off her oversized parka, leaving her in a thin yellow blouse.
Jessica takes off her parka, brushes her hair back, and smiles at Fawn.
Jessica opens her mouth to protest. Quickly, Fawn leans in and kisses Jessica passionately. Jessica tightly clasps Fawn's buttocks.
At this point, most who have viewed the video describe themselves as having felt "mildly titillated, if a little bit confused about why the girls were wearing parkas indoors." A handful of viewers also assert that they "felt slightly sorry for Jessica." But, to absolutely everyone's shock, after this comparatively innocuous opening scene, the video takes a turn for the grotesque.
Suddenly, Fawn and Jessica break off their kiss and turn their attention to the blackboard.
The two girls pick up sticks of chalk. Fawn sucks hungrily on one end of her stick.
With this line, the fun and games come to an abrupt end. The typical viewer of the video chokes in disbelief of what he heard. "That's... you can't... that doesn't even make..." stutters one bespectacled nerd, his reaction forever recorded on YouTube.
Jessica senselessly misevaluates the limit of the expression on the left side of the equation.
At this point, most viewers are locked in a mental torture chamber of agony at the butchery taking place on the blackboard. In one famous YouTube reaction video, tears roll down a grad student's face as he howls "What... the shit... are they doing??!"
("THERE WASN'T EVEN A FUCKING VARIABLE R IN THE EQUATION TO BEGIN WITH!!" one physicist is heard to scream, before collapsing into a fetal position on the floor, making audible retching noises.)
Jessica tackles Fawn, throwing her to the ground. Unfortunately, in the process, she kicks over the tripod supporting the camera, so whatever happened next is lost, forever.
The video originated from a Brazilian fetish film producer named Marco Fiorito, who specialized in hard core fetishism. Fiorito had already produced some of the most depraved videos ever seen by mankind, but was left strangely unsatisfied.
- "I was sitting naked at my computer, thinking God, I've already filmed women slurping down each others' shit like chocolate milk, and it isn't doing anything for me anymore. And suddenly, like a new Testament straight from God, the idea for 2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation came to me."
- "I immediately developed a massive erection and simultaneously vomited all over that erection. Then the feeling of the vomit hitting my cock made me cum, shooting a massive load of semen into my vomit. The two mixed and formed a giant frothy brew of Santorum in my lap. And as I looked down at it, gasping for air, I thought: jackpot."
Unfortunately, Fiorito's triumph was not to last. Authorities in the United States swiftly branded the film as obscene and filed charges against him. Fiorito accepted a plea bargain and was sentenced to three years of unsupervised probation and forfeiture of $98,000.
- "Fiorito crossed a line," said a source within the United States Department of Corrections. "I had nightmares about that abortion of mathematics for weeks. I hope that cocksucker burns in hell."