World War V

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“Haven't we had enough of these damn wars already? I just want a cigar and a pipebomb...”

~ Your Grandpa

“Heil Hamburger!”

~ German World War II veteran who's pissed because he's still alive (he's now 126 years old)

We all know where this is going. Or... at least I do.

World War V, or The War of People being tired of Wars. is quite different from the rest of the many World Wars. People were pissed off because Hitler died in 1945, and it was 2048 and nobody had done anything about it. That's right, 103 fucking years later and they still couldn't settle down and watch the sun implode because of Hitler's plans for humanity failing. This war began because a short farmer boy named Benjamin Franklin stole 16 thousand bottles from the world-known idiot brand: Pepsi-cola. Pepsi had it's depressing debut in World War 4 (the War of the Brands) where they joined forces with the very soviet, headbutting Smirnoff Vodka brand, and rebranding as Repsi, as a way to show that they now add Creatine to their soda. And with this event taking place, Repsi was prepared to go Red, and fight alongside the Motherland: Russia to reinstate Hitler's plans to kill a human sacrifice of 6 million minority members in ritualistic prayer to the sun.

The first act by Repsi

After rejoining with the Russian brand, Repsi began to take all of the children out of a nursing home and gave each of them approximately 148 ounces of Repsi over the course of 2 weeks time. After this decided time, the children began to speak in fluid Chad and were given firearms (mainly EX1s) and their secondaries comprised of SMGs or even sometimes missile launchers. These creatine induced babies were locked in and ready to fight with Coca-Cola's independent and ready American Military troops. One thing that Repsi didn't know, however, is that Coca-Cola had a plan up their as- (ahem)... sleeve.

Coca-Cola's responce to Repsi's preperations

Coca-Cola decided to begin adding addictive cocaine into their soda again. With the American Government officially being absolutely fucked because all of the War Generals, Judges, Leaders, Bosses, and even the President were literal vegetables. "The principle is actually a fruit... she's a tomato. Tomatoes are frui-" -Nerd before he falls into oblivion as we resurrect his past fear of bullies and hot women... After transporting 6 million metric tons of pure Columbian ostriches to America, the plan was soon to be taking place...

Nothing. Repsi did nothing...

Coca-Cola's Overthought Circumcision of Korea, or C.O.C.K

This plan was created by the present owner of Coca-Cola, Thomas "Master" Baiter, while he was drunk, and had just ran 6 consecutive half-marathons in under 14 minutes. This guy is elite, and he knows what he's doing. After contacting Kim Jong Un and asking if they would ban Repsi from all of Korea, and having been refused, Tom was ready to make a change in the course of the war, and even history itself. By ordering six variants of ballistic launcher vehicles (including the M142 HIMARS, the 9A52-2 Smerch-M, the Oscar-Mayer Wienermobile, etc.), Tom began to fire at all of the corners and edges of Korea, therefore (Toms words, not mine) "Circumcising Korea". Nobody actually knows why Tom did this, but theories say it was kind of like a bad joke he wanted to tell his grand-children. In the end, I think he might have Korea pissed off. The were honestly very circum-SIZED DOWN!

The beginning of the war

Repsi sent an entire army over ships to the edge of America on the South-Eastern Border and began to send massive amounts of jacked nursery babies to the location of Coke's HQ. (Now as you are most likely wondering: How did Repsi find Coca-Cola's headquarters? Because Coke is so American and so full of freedom that, before the war began, they most literally told Repsi where it was.) With the babies locked-in and ready to battle (they'd been promised a never-ending supply of Repsi and free college applications), Coke slowly began to leak over 6 million metric tons of pure, Columbian ostriches into the War-zone. The babies prevailed, however, and began firing at the birds. It was said that from California all the way to Minnesota, the smell of fresh, fried Columbian Ostrich flowed through the air. Baiter (Master-Baiter, the owner of Coke, remember?) was discouraged by this, but he had a plan up his sleeve. The Republican Party.

The rest of the War

Coca-Cola called all of their associates at The White House and the gang proceeded to "pull up in flames". The entire limbo to carry the Republican party was on fire. Luckily only one person was noted at diceased: Hugh Janis. With the Party at Baiter's hands, he pulled the craziest, and most unpredictable attack on Repsi: They used the power of Christ. The Party summoned God himself who wiped the babies and left, cuz he was busy building his home: Dank Heaven. And with this completed, Baiter thought that it was all over.

After seeing the literal power of Jesus destroy their young ones, Repsi was absolutely fucking pissed. They began to plan for a second strike. They contacted Korea, who was extremely 'enojado' because a third of their land was gone, and Kim Jong Un lost 30 thousand pounds, because he got scared when the missiles hit (he only has 50k pounds left). Korea obviously accepted, because what else would these guys be doing? And they were all prepared for battle. And this time they weren't going to los-

The Beginning of the End of the War

A typical meme that was spawned during the 5th World War.

With Repsi pulling up yet a second time (and hopefully the last), Coca-Cola was extremely perplexed, and awefully focused on the defeat of this silly war. No more ostriches. No more Cocaine. No more Bullshit. Coca-Cola was so locked-in that they contacted every corner of the U.S. in hopes of finding an army to defeat Repsi with. And there it was... Right under their noses: The Texas Marines. No more baby games or creatine, these men with brick walls with a side of No soul and completely inescapable death. And the Battle began.

The soldiers ran to the target and began their slow decent to the plains over the hill. And with their weapons at the ready, the battle began

All of the Coca-Cola soldiers had minority obliviation guns. Every time they fired, a yellow-gold pellet was shot directly in a Korean's mouth, making it's way out the back of their skull, and therefore obliterating them. However, if the soldiers jerked the gun a little first, a white-ish cloudy pellet was blasted out, and caused very large explosions. In order to do this, though, they would need to show a picture of Adam Sandler to the gun. Only the Soldiering Troop Diminishers, or STD's, could wield this picture. And with the battle taking place for over 4 hours, Coca-Cola had prevailed.

The End of the War

All of the Texans cheered, as Baiter went to a high peek and gulped a bottle of pure, American Coca-Cola, and the war was won.