Why?:Sit down, and have an italian soda
Hello, <insert name here>. You look like a fine man/woman, and I'm glad to meet you. I would like to introduce you to civilization's finest, the Italian soda. The Italian soda is an amazing concoction of carbonated water, syrup, and cherries that will give you many long-term benefits, such as getting women, losing weight, and shooting lasers out of your eyes. Would you like one?
<insert name here>: Nah, thanks.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! How could you NOT?
Not wanting an Italian soda? Such a thing is unheard of! Italian sodas are by far the greatest thing on Earth. You gotta love 'em. Italian sodas taste like the nectar of heaven flowers... God's gift to bestow the power of euphoria upon us! They are amazing... even more so than Kate Moss, whom is the epitome of beauty. You see, the greatness of the Italian soda will never be truly discovered by man... such a thing must be discovered by a greater power. Things like that, we just don't have any business messing with. I wonder if... No. Everybody knows Italian sodas are the greatest thing on Earth. And everybody knows you're an asshole. For not liking the Italian soda. You. Asshole.
Dude, this is your only chance. You could SHOOT LASERS OUT OF YOUR EYES, dammit! Now get your arse over here, and drink an Italian soda before I kill you!
P.S. Have an Italian soda. Now.
I'm still not convinced. Why should I have an Italian soda?
Huh, you didn't hear what I just said? Italian sodas are, like, the greatest thing ever. They're like the nectar of heaven flowers, euphoria, Kate Moss, blah, blah, blah. Psst... Listen to me. Questioning will do you no good.
<insert name here>: Why?
<insert name here>: That makes absolutely no sense.
Life doesn't make sense. Now go have an Italian soda. Maybe then it will make sense.
<insert name here>: How would an Italian soda help that?
Didn't I tell you that Italian sodas are like the best thing ever? They can boost your life in any number of ways, plus they only have 400 calories! Trust me on this one.
<insert name here>: Yes, you did. (Jesus, this is getting monotonous, huh?)
Oh, I did! I'm sorry. Ceartain things bear repeating. Like the fact that Italian sodas are the best thing ever. They can help you with everything in your life, even give you superpowers you've never even thought of! Have you ever wanted to be able to dance on your ears? The Italian soda can make that happen!
<insert name here>: JESUS, YOU IDIOT! GET TO THE POINT! WHY SHOULD I HAVE AN ITALIAN SODA?!
Because they're the best thing ever.
<insert name here>: Oh, just forget it.
As good as Italian sodas are on their own, they are even better with the accompaniment of sitting down. Sitting down with an Italian soda is much better than standing with one- you don't want to spill any of that heavenly soda, right? So when you get that soda, sit right down, preferably on a chair. Perhaps a couch,
or maybe even the floor. (Hey, as long as an Italian soda is involved, you'll be fine, right?)
Now, really. I'm going to kill you if you don't get an Italian soda right now. AND SIT DOWN WITH IT! Now. Really.
Now will you have one?