User:Mr. George/Donald Duck

Donald Fauntleroy Duck (born 9 June 1934), also known in the underground adult film scene as Dinald Dick, is one of history's most polarising figures – a beloved, world-renowned slapstick comedian and actor, a World War II veteran, a war criminal and a turncoat, whose life has been defined by rage, betrayal, a perplexing lack of undergarments and an erratic temperament that resulted in a notorious Nuremberg trial acquittal, largely since none of the judges could decipher one word of his prima donna-esque testimony.

Declassified intelligence files indicate that Duck's true wartime activities remain shrouded in secrecy, stirring up speculation that his impact on twentieth century history had more to it than his corporate handlers at Disney would have ever admitted.

Early life

Duck was the tragic product of an incestuous love affair between Scottish business magnate "Uncle" Scrooge and a Grandma Duck, a union so scandalous that his public relations department rewrote history to pretend he was the son of some obscure relative no soul remembers. Raised on a remote, duck-infested farm in Duckburg, his childhood was marked by a carefree existence of throwing eggs at people, screaming at inanimate objects, and engaging in elaborate feuds with geese. Common creed states that his early exposure to the animal kingdom led to his lifelong penchant for feathers and an inexplicable fear of furniture. These formative years shaped the volatile behaviour he would later exhibit throughout his career. At some point in his youth, Duck developed an intense aversion to pants, which he would refuse to wear for the entirety of his life. To this day, the CDC have yet to determine if this was an act of defiance, a political statement, or simply a man so absorbed in his own doctrine that the concept of leg covering no longer registered as relevant.

All of this changed in 1942, when the United States entered World War II. Duck, then barely a teenager, was thrust into a world far more chaotic than anything he had experienced on his idyllic farm, though he never quite gave up throwing eggs at people.

Career as a sailor

Drafted into the United States Navy, Donald Duck – a paltry eight-year-old – quickly rose through the ranks, despite the fact that his speech was completely unintelligible to his commanding officers. His orders, often delivered in a combination of quacks, squawks, and desperate buccal screams, were somehow interpreted as strategic brilliance. In point of fact, Duck's unintelligible vernacular was actually a covert military tactic, intended to confuse and disorient enemies, a technique fleet admiral Chester W. Nimitz later nicknamed the "Art of the Quack", an art form so abstract it left most listeners questioning their very existence.

It was during his time at sea that he discovered his deep-seated homosexuality, allegedly after a particularly steamy night in the barracks with Popeye the Sailor Man – a love affair that culminated in a meltdown the minute it started when Donald realised that spinach was the only thing Popeye had eyes for. Heartbroken, Duck later confided to his diary that he had "seen the dark side of vegetable love", and vowed to never trust leafy greens again. This particular episode would be the first of many a relationship Duck would later attempt to justify as a mere "artistic expression".

His rise through the Navy, however, was not without controversy. Duck's incessant need to commandeer the ship's loudspeaker to deliver lengthy rants about the benefits of "yoga and existentialism" during battle drills led to a string of mutinies, all of which he managed to quell with a single glare and a clumsy pirouette. Despite multiple demotions and at least one incident involving a torpedo being repurposed as a personal floatation device, Duck was awarded the Silver Spoon of Valor for his unprecedented ability to transform a standard military operation into a surreal performance art piece that confused the enemy into retreating through thick and thin.

Duck performing the "Oh Look, a Plane!" gesture. Note the use of the opposite hand.

Making of a Nazi

Following the D-Day landings, Duck was deployed to the Western Front as a secret weapon against the Germans. Unfortunately, Duck was shortly captured by a throng of Nazi soldiers. Still bitter about his failed attempt to win Popeye's heart, and after an effort to confess his feelings for Lieutenant Commander Goofy had gone in vain, Duck had a revelation. Having the prestigious benefit of being blessed with entirely white – well, not skin, but feathers – he began to feel a deep kinship with the Aryan cause. Betraying his fellow soldiers, Duck switched sides mid-battle, donning a swanky new uniform and personally trying to assassinate Jewish-American Supreme Allied Commander Mickey Mouse.

Duck's habitual insubordination, violent temper and complete inability to take orders made him an immediate liability. Although he was assigned to multiple clandestine operations, Duck's performance as a Nazi was short-lived and catastrophic. His first mission involved sabotaging an Allied outpost. This undertaking concluded with Duck mistakenly planting explosives inside a German munitions depot, setting of a disastrous chain reaction that wiped out an entire division of Nazi forces. Panicked Nazi officials attempted to rebrand the incident as a "bold tactical manoeuvre". Furthermore, his buccal speech became an even greater issue, as officers struggled to determine whether he was issuing commands, having a mental breakdown, or performing an avant-garde form of propaganda.

Nuremburg trial and acquittal

Despite his catastrophic failures as a Nazi operative, Duck found himself indicted for war crimes at the Nuremberg Trials, standing among some of history's most notorious figures. His charges included treason, sabotage, attempted assassination of Allied leadership, homosexuality and gross misconduct in the field of military fashion design, primarily his flagrant disregard for the army's strict no-nudists policy. Despite the overwhelming evidence against him, Duck's trial quickly descended into cartoony farce. Much of his opening statement was an impassioned – unintelligible, but impassioned regardless – rant on how the court's dress code was an "attack on his personal freedoms". As the trial dragged on, Duck's outbursts became increasingly erratic. At one point, frustrated with the court stenographer's repeated requests for clarity, he leaped onto the judge's bench and delivered a passionate yet completely incomprehensible monologue that historians now refer as the "Duck Rant of '46". The official transcript, consisting mostly of question marks, phonetic guesses and the occasional cryptic, ambiguous and arcane, albeit loosely interpreted phrase, e.g. "The chairs are watching", "Mayo is just cow glue" and the occasional "What the fuck?"

In a final act of defiance, Duck attempted to renounce the entire courtroom by declaring himself Supreme Overlord of Nuremburg, with the court's gavel as his sceptre alongside the bailiff's hat as his crown. He then proceeded to hold a mock trial of his own, calling non-existent witnesses, accusing imaginary entities of various fashion crimes and engaging in a prolonged soliloquy about the true nature of anatine opera. As the trial finally dragged to its disorienting conclusion, Duck was declared insane and unfit for trial, the court opting to send him for psychiatric evaluation. The jury, despite their collective confusion, concluded that Duck had, in fact, not committed war crimes but rather crimes against sanity itself, although he was never sent down the river in the end.

Prior to his acting career, Duck was once a nudist. And still was one afterwards.

Porno stardom

Shortly after his acquittal, Duck swiftly vanished from the public eye, in pursuit of a career that would financially outstrip anything he had ever imagined. The world would soon learn that Donald Duck, infamous for his wartime betrayal, erratic behaviour and courtroom antics, would reinvent himself in a way nobody could have ever anticipated. By the time the 1950s rolled around, the world had yet to see just how far Duck's depravity would go. Coming out of the closet was one thing, serving under Adolf Hitler's chancellorship and flirting with the Aryan cause was another. But as the pornographic industry began to rise from the shadows of societal taboos, Duck found his true calling in an occult niche that actually welcomed his eccentricities for once.

To Duck, the letter "O" represented conformity, a shape rounded and complete. "O" was, to him, too circular, too stable, too conventional, everything he had now come to loathe. He wanted to escape that circularity, the unending cycle of predictability, innocence, and cartoonish escapism. On the other hand, the letter and nominative first-person singular pronoun "I" represented individualism, a sharp, straight (oh, the irony), pointed shape that stood alone and disrupted the otherwise smooth flow of letters. Operating under the pseudonym "Dinald Dick", the waterbird felt he had finally shed the shackles of the predictable everyman that American society had forced upon him for the nineteen years that he previously withstood by the time his debut flick, The Wise Little Hen, made its way to cinemas on 3 May 1953, where he starred as gay lover to fellow underground porn-star Peter Pig. Pig – another infamous figure from the underground porn scene – was particularly notorious for his capability to turn the dirtiest of "squeals" into an art form.

Despite Donald's repeated insistence on embracing freedom of expression, no one could help but notice the conspicuous, clear-as-day absence of any "expression" in the region where male anatomy typically would reside. His continued commitment to wearing a sailor's outfit, despite no logical reason for it, only further emphasised his refusal to adhere to social norms, especially considering that in adult films, stars only figuratively "sail" elsewhere. Audiences, uncomfortable yet transfixed, often found themselves questioning not only the nature of his films but the very nature of manhood itself. After all, the enigma of a man with such a pronounced infatuation towards naval attire being barren of a ship to steer was enough to hold viewers on the edge of their seats.

Duck spent much of his porn career penning his own masterpieces based around his childhood days for the other members of his theatre union to enact in front of the camera. One particularly notorious film of this kind, titled Der Fuehrer's Face, featured Duck donning a swastika armband commanding a harem of scantily clad "stormtroopers" while shouting nonsensical, unintelligible orders. Very few audiences were treated to Duck's trademark quack-filled rants upon the movie's release on New Year's Day, 1956, but the eight or so brave souls who were felt hypnotised by his oratory. One especially condemnatory member of the audience, however, critically panned Der Fuehrer's Face, calling it "history's greatest insult to both cinema and the English language", a review which Duck, of course, considered nothing more than "flattering feedback in disguise".

Government censorship

This image speaks for itself.

Despite how undeniable artistic vision Duck had brought to the adult film industry, none of his films ever truly captured the public's attention. This was largely a result of weeks of exertion carried out by several governments to ensure that none of his work ever saw the light of day. Authorities across the globe, alarmed by the sheer incomprehensibility of Duck's performances and the potential moral decay they could induce, swiftly moved to suppress his work. The Vatican, for instance, blacklisted Donald Duck on theological grounds, arguing that his refusal to wear trousers posed a "direct challenge to God's design for leg coverage". This reasoning was met with confusion, particularly when Duck himself fired back with the pointed question, "Since when has God ever worn clothes?" This theological grenade sent the four Vatican scholars into a spiral, prompting an emergency council to debate whether divine nudity was canonically acceptable at all.

Meanwhile, Canada feared his erratic quacking could incite civil unrest, whereas Australia deemed his presence a "biosecurity risk" after an incident involving a suspiciously large shipment of breadcrumbs. As for the Finnish government, their reasoning remained the most perplexing. When pressed for an official statement, they simply responded with "He does not". No further explanation has been provided ever since.

The end of an era

Dinald Dick's adult film career came to an explosive and highly undignified end following a heated dispute over creative direction. Despite years of pushing boundaries in the industry, most of them being incomprehensible, his grand artistic ambitions finally clashed with reality. The breaking point came during the production of what Duck insisted would be his magnum opus, an avant-garde, twelve-hour silent erotic film titled Beak Performance, which featured himself, a rubber chicken and a live studio audience of about twelve people at most that was required to remain completely silent or face legal action.

Unfortunately, production was immediately halted when Duck, in a fit of rage, discovered that the film's producers intended to dub over his voice for its home release, citing the fact that this audience had described his quacking as "sonic warfare" that had one crowd member vacate the auditorium with a crooked tongue. Furious at this blatant artistic censorship, Duck called it quits on 8 March 1965, declaring that the porn industry had "lost its way" and accusing modern erotica of being "soulless corporate drivel merely churned out for cash with no regard for creative directors" – a statement eerily reminiscent of what executives at the Walt Disney Company were saying at the time, right before greenlighting their first attempts at a live action retelling of one of their previous stories, titled Snow White and the Seven Clever Boys.

Introducing Walt Disney

On the topic of Walt Disney, by 1965, the man behind the corporate empire itself was on the verge of kicking the bucket, but not quite as nearly on the verge of losing his firm grasp on his wealth-yielding behemoth after decades of overhauling it into its current form. Under Walt's watchful eye, what had once been a humble film studio had mutated into an omnipresent, ever-looming capitalist dynasty where exploiting the abnormally evolved wildlife for a profit was the unanimous aim of its militia. Amongst those financially and involuntarily enslaved for the entertainment of the masses were Duck's former war adversary, Mickey Mouse and the unsuccessful betrothed of the webbed, Goofy, both of whom had been reworked and reshaped into controllable puppets for mass consumption.

On 10 March 1965, Donald Duck toured Disney's corporate offices in pursuit of a fresh new calling, when executive Patrick "Pat" McCrotch equivocated Duck's eventual exploitation, placing him under the pretense of "negotiating a new contract". McCrotch whipped out a walking cane from his behind and seized Duck with great agility into a dimly lit conference room. Expecting a fat paycheck, Duck was instead met by Walt Disney himself – smoking a fat blunt and dressed like a man who had bought and sold entire continents, two dozen executives in pinstriped suits, each holding identical leather briefcases filled with cyanide pills, and a barely conscious Goofy, slumped in the corner with duct tape layered over his mouth, muttering something along the lines of "Gawrsh! The walls are breathin' again! Ah-hyuck!" Duck barely had time to demand more money and fewer boxers before the trap was sprung. Disney's corporate enforcers, a squad of highly trained, mouse-eared mercenaries, stormed the room and tranquilised him on sight. Within minutes, Duck was forcibly strapped to a wheeled stretcher and banished into the corporation's underground facility, where he would undergo his final transformation.

Duck's fate was sealed. There, in the heart of Disney's underground reconditioning centre, he would be subjected to a brutal regimen of brainwashing and mind-altering tactics designed to strip him of his rebellious spirit and transform him into a subservient, compliant minion. The process began with heavy doses of hypnotic Disney media, designed to "reprogram" Duck's mind. He is believed to have been forced seemingly everlasting, corporate-approved loops of Steamboat Willie down his ocular system. Such subliminal messages in this copy of the short as "meeska, mooska, Mickey Mouse" were ingrained into his subconscious. When Duck dared to mention his past life to any medical practitioners, he was met with punishment. His memories of his revolutionary days were wiped, replaced with an imposing silhouette of Mickey's head to which he had to either submit or succumb.

Reprogramming

After weeks of reconditioning, Donald Duck was finally ready to be released back into the public sphere, notwithstanding the fact that he was no longer the Duck, let alone the Dick he one was. His wildness had been softened, his temper tamed to a manageable level. His incomprehensible quacking, once a weapon of rebellion, now a laughing-stock characteristic of the slapstick comedian and actor into which he was converted. As he walked out of Disney's underground facility, he could hardly remember the man he used to be. But he was still the same Duck at heart, now an involuntary cog in the monolithic Disney machine. The streets of Duckburg never looked the same. Donald's eyes, once sharp and wild, now dulled by the endless bombardment of corporate media, scanned the familiar streets with a sense of hazy confusion. His feathers felt heavier, not from age, but from the weight of the newly adopted mantra embedded deep within his mind: "Meeska, mooska, Mickey Mouse". He repeated the words under his breath, almost like a prayer, as if to ward off the sense of alienation that gnawed at him.

Personal life

As of present, Duck lives free of charge in the residence of his father, at 1313 Webfoot Street, Duckburg. The nature of this cottage's inhabitants, namely Duck and his lawfully wedded wife Daisy's ongoing relationship has famously been the subject matter of world-renowned English bard Moe Lester's 2003 short poem, titled "Sonnet 42", which lacks the typical structure of a sonnet in spite of its title. Notably, school records dating back to 1992 reveal Lester to have achieved a total mark of zero on his Maths GCSE paper, which was simply a result of his reluctance to open a paper booklet. So the "sonnet" goes:

“

Donald Duck did some muck
On the kitchen floor
Mrs. Duck picked it up
And Donald did some more

”

— Moe Lester

Interpretations of "Sonnet 42"

While critics remain divided over the meaning of "Sonnet 42", some scholars who claim to be somewhat analytical of Duck's previous ways argue that the poem is a thinly veiled allegory for repressed desires, with "muck" being a metaphorical representation of the baggage of past sins that Daisy must repeatedly clean up, only for Donald to inevitably relapse into his old ways. The general consensus, however, claims that the poem is a Marxist critique of capitalist domestic servitude, wherein Daisy represents the proletariat, forever burdened with cleaning up the messes of the bourgeoisie, namely, Donald – an embodiment of corporate corruption and unchecked power. On the other hand, a smaller faction insists that "Sonnet 42" is, in fact, complete and utter gibberish, likely written in a drunken stupor, and that scholars have simply wasted years assigning meaning to something that was meant to be read at a children's birthday party, no more, no less.

However one reads the poem, the real killer is its final line: "Donald did some more", which literary analysts collectively postulate to be symbolic of his irrevocable descent into cyclical self-destruction under the iron fist of Walt Disney's ghost, an oppressive rule under which he may serve even after the heat death of the universe.

And yet, there is a glimmer of hope, which whispers like forbidden scripture among copyright scholars: New Year's Day, 2031. The day when, barring another last-minute legal maneuver, Donald Duck will finally enter the so-termed "public domain", an alleged afterlife of endless possibilities free from corporate oversight, during which he has the opportunity reclaim his true form.

Or perhaps Disney will find a way to tighten its grip, securing another century, or perhaps a millennium of dominion over his feathered soul. And if that happens, there can be only one certainty.

Donald will do some more.

See also

• Mickey Mouse
• Scrooge McDuck
• Huey, Dewey, and Louie