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Salad.
- By Sir Peasewhizz de New York
SALAD
I like salad, you like salad,
we all like salad.
No, seriously. Salad.
- By RAHB
Yes, salad. It has come to my attention that Uncyclopedians are simply not consuming enough of it. Ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Unsignpost implore of you, we beg you, to eat more salad. Why should you eat more salad? Well you only need to look at the facts to find the answer:
- Salad is delicious when garnished with a honey-baked ham.
- Salad is the number one cause of anti-cancer in America, having been documented in over six million cases.
- Salad is an excellent nutritional source of salad.
- Salad fought in World War II so you didn't have to.
- Salad invented Uncyclopedia.
But clearly, this is not all that salad is capable of. Clearly a great cosmic injustice is being done by not mentioning salad's tremendous influence on the Russian space program, 80% of whose members consume salad on a regular basis, some more than once a day. But that's not all. Several tremendously influential figures in scientific history, including Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan, and Billy Mays, have admitted to having consumed salad at least once in their lifetime, sometimes even while doing important scientific things! Sexy sweet Mary, it's true!
 This is not a picture of salad. In fact, most major celebrities (the attractive ones, you know) are regular salad masticators. Lady Gaga, for example, may be best known for wearing a meat suit, but she is also well-known for eating salad. If by "well-known", you mean "she does it and nobody makes much of a fuss." Same goes for the salad eating.
Salad is known to have cured countless diseases, voted tremendously in favor of liberal politics, saved at least three dolphin from inconveniently placed tar deposits, fixed a plethora of flat tires on the side of United States interstate highways, eliminated the existence of internet memes, punched Adolf Hitler in the face, gone toe-to-toe with John Wayne in a cage match, and given a lustrous sheen to the coats of some of the world's prettiest felines.
In conclusion, salad is a super kool dood, and you should all totally eat him. With dressing if you prefer. Or with croutons, tomatoes, cabbage, olives, pickles, black pepper, onions, imitation crab meat, bacon bits, hard-boiled egg slices, ham, salt, vinegar, jalapenos, bell peppers, sweet peppers, pickle relish, anaheim peppers, bhut jolokia peppers, serrano peppers, crumbled cheese, raisins, avocado, apple slices, blueberries, cottage cheese, shrimp, basil, melon slices, meatballs, turkey gravy, chicken gravy, beef gravy, bacon grease, grease gravy, gravy grease, Bavarian cream, chocolate ice cream, M&Ms, a t-bone steak, bicycle spokes, flapjacks, fried eel, a pair of half-torn tennis shoes, matches, poisonous jellyfish, mushrooms, pimento, a piston engine, a choir boy, whale bones, grocery store food samples, grocery store samples stolen out of the freezer section, grocery store employees, psychedelic pop records, dinosaur fossils, ancient manuscripts, sweet potatoes, Iranian snails, Ukrainian birds, Welsh humans, beets, Saturday morning cartoons, elves, cayenne pepper, salt, mangoes, studio musicians, grapes, whiskey, grated cheese, sliced cheese, a cow, Hormel chili, the tiny oval tomatoes that always roll off the plate or launch away when you try to fork them, potatoes, all of Uncyclopedia, a British nanny, or lettuce. But nothing else.
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Ask Zombiebaron
- Is salad a heavy metal? (asked by RAHB)
- Salad is the heavy metal. All other heavy metals are ranked on the hS (How Salad) scale.
- Salad salad salad, salad, Salad salad salad salad. Salad salad (salad salad, salad) salad! Salad: salad? (salad salad Salad)
- Salad!
- If you had to fuck one salad which salad would you fuck and why? (asked by Zombiebaron)
- I would fuck the caesar salad at the all-you-can-eat buffet near my parent's house. Best salad I have ever eaten.
- My wife wants to toss my salad but I am afraid of lettuce. What should we do? (asked by Zombiebaron)
- Sometimes when I make a salad I use pickles instead of lettuce.
- If you could give one piece of advice to a young amateur trying to break into the world of professional salad craftsmanship, what would that be? (asked by Zombiebaron)
- Salads come in all shapes and forms. Be original, make a salad that represents you.
Ask Zombiebaron questions and maybe he will salad them!
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From our logs:
- 00:40, March 9, 2013 Legoktm (Talk | contribs) blocked Lego-KLM (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Unacceptable username: Spelled incorrectly.)
- 22:52, March 8, 2013 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Pablo Manitoba (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Please donate to Uncyclopedia!)
- 07:31, March 8, 2013 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 112.111.160.35 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (piss off)
Yes, folks! Mordillo's back! ZOMG!
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IRC Log Of The Century
<ghostninja> my eyes then gaze upon Olipro's dual-genitalia
<ghostninja> i quickly get wet again
<Hotadmin4u69> understandable
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Biopic: In Their Own Words
Multiliteralist here looks like spongy potluck in potluck in the field in homo? Are you wonder how tomatoes ghost it up? AHEM He has also worked tirelessly toward reviving both UnNews and the art of surrealism since his recent return to Uncyclopedia, which makes us just positively horny inside. Just think of all the olives! We interviewed the legendary taxidermist this week in order to find out what makes him tick.[1] He had the following to say:
- I'm a rugged Caucasian male from the Caucasus mountains. Everyone secretly wants to get laid by me. My personal philosophy is this is OK. My purpose at Uncyclopedia is to leave and come back again after a cooling-off period, again and again. Crimean war fucking sucked.
This is particularly enlightening in the case of AHEM the modern anti-vice table in front of abortions yet closing remarks about remarks are they became:
- Closing remarks are for pussies.
Fleasy. Get a pies.
- ↑ As it turns out, the source happened to be a small wall clock that inexplicably follows him around, hovering in the air, everywhere he goes. Scientists are debating what this means to the future of space travel.
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Confucius derpyy say
- Confucius say that would say hello FreeDOS could
- Confucius say about Jesus I sure say Nascar
- Confucius say blacks say "let's Save me"
- Confucius say me. big say that other internet
- Confucius say it as well yeah say about Area on
- Confucius say say about
- Confucius say that could simply say taht has a
- Confucius say about the whole say whos all of the
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