UnNews:Burger King to scrap food after complaints

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17 April 2009

Big Macs are great. Make sure you eat lots of them every day for a long, happy and healthy life.

USA-based fast food chain Burger King has announced that it plans to cease selling food after receiving several complaints. The company, which is the biggest fast food chain after their rivals McDonalds, has outlets in every nation worldwide in addition to franchises situated in Antarctica and on the Moon, first became successful with its introduction of its flame-grilled burger cooking method which, according to hamburger aficionados, gives the food a tasty smoked flavour which is superior to the burgers sold by other corporations. Unfortunately for them, burger aficionados seem to be a dying breed these days.

"Not so long back, a large proportion of the American public ate in fast food joints several times each week," says Tex S. Rancher, spokesman for the National Cattlemen's Beef Association. "The humble hamburger has been suffering some very bad press of late, what with the likes of Morgan Spurlock and his ridiculous Supersize Me stunt along with Eric Schlosser's misinformed amd misleading Fast-Food Nation book, both of which were made into films. We at the NCBA tried our hardest to prevent them utilising their right to free speech in an effort to prevent these books from being published and the films from being released but, unfortunately, the cash back-handers we paid to Congress members were not enough and we were unsuccessful. As a result, hamburger consumption has fallen dramatically both in the US of A and overseas."

Vegetarian diet campaigners tell a different story, however. Libby Ralle, of the Vegetarian Society, say that questionnaires conducted by her organistaion show that people have decided for themselves to no longer eat fast food. "People - be they followers of vegetarianism or evil carnivores - have found that fast food is of a very low quality," she says. "They just don't want to eat it anymore."

UnNews took the staff Lear Jet down to Miami-Dade County in Florida, where the multinational firm is based, and asked a few passers-by in the street for their thoughts on the matter. "Hell yes, I used to eat in Burger King nearly every day, and if I didn't go there I'd have a hamburger from somewhere else," says Gail Henderson, 47. "I stopped eating the food from there and from McDonalds because out of the blue one day it struck me that it was awful. I mean, the burger's got hardly any flavour at all, the salad is usually brown and limp and the bun is just a sweaty, tasteless lump, so I didn't go there again. Well, that and the fact that I became so obese I couldn't get in through the doors any longer."

Jamahl Jones is a software engineer from Houston, who is visiting Miami on business. "I was once a big fan of Burger King's food," he says. "I'd go there to get myself some breakfast on the way to work, because it was so much easier than cooking an egg waffle at home, then most days I'd get my [[lunch] there too because they have a concession in my company's building. I guess I must have been addicted them because I'd get my evening meal there on the way home - hamburger, large fries, extra large Coke, onion rings and ice cream. One day I was sitting at my desk tucking into that juicy ol' Whopper with cheese when I suddenly thought to myself, "Damn! What is this shit I'm eatin'? It tastes like something out of a dumpster!" I realised that it actually had no flavour at all, and what I'd been tastin' all this time was just the ketchup. Soon after that, I had a series of massive heart attacks and got put off hamburgers for life."

"I can confirm that, following a series of complaints from hamburger consumers, we conducted a survey amongst our customers to find out if they had any thoughts on our food," said Burger King spokesperson Bob McColluch in an exclusive UnNews interview. "We noticed that, after we had brought their attention to the matter and made them think about what they were actually eating rather than shovelling it down their fat gullets because they've seen our television commercials, sales dropped overnight. However, we believe that there is still a place for us in the business world as can be seen by the millions of people, many of them teenagers, who enjoy sitting in our restaurants all afternoon on a Saturday with their friends and by the popularity of the individually-wrapped straws we supply with our soft drinks which are commonly taken into cinemas where the wrapping can be chewed to form a moist, sticky pellet which can then be blown through the straw so that it adheres to the screen. We will be concentrating on these areas in the future and our shareholders can rest assured that this company will continue growing."

The McDonalds Corporation of Illinois also spoke to our reporters and offered a bribe of several million dollars if we were willing to avoid drawing public attention to the quality of their hamburgers which, due to the famous level of our journalistic integrity, we took and so we are unable to tell you what they told us.

Eat at McDonalds, kids. The food is great, Big Macs make you lose weight and the French fries will make you irresistible to members of your preferred sex.

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