Slackware

Slackware logo symbolizes old people using linux

Slackware is a new Linux distribution targeted at Old people.

History

For it was in 1991BC, when the Great god Linus Torvalds first spewed out the linux kernel, there came along a wise old ninja priest called Patrick Volkerding and he did utter these words:
"Hmm...I like that kernel...nice and round and plump....my friends at BSD have a nice init system I could use....I think I might just invent the Idea of a Linux Distribution". For this man was not stupid, and lo! he beheld the Linux distribution on high and yelled

"I am l33t!!; And I shall name this Linux Distribution "SLS Linux", but his followers cowered in fear for they heard an acronym which they did not understand and He wouldn't tell them what It meant. They asked of him

"Oh lord what does SLS mean"

and he respondeth "You are obviously all n00bs so go away and become sysadmins". and lo, great shadows were cast upon the land. And only the l33t people of the world did use SLS until they found uttering SLS in prayer to the great Gnu a many torturous thing to do. Patrick saw this and was not happy.

He then declared unto the land "oh, alright, I'll rename it Slackware, but don't expect anything more because it's mine!! All Mine!! OK??"
And the lowly followers were happy for a while; Until one day they tried greatly to pass improvements to Patrick, who promptly told them that He would make Improvements as He saw fit. And lo, the followers did continue writing their own code to force programs to compile on Slackware.

And a great age did come to pass when the tribe of l33t did make copies of Patricks great writings and passed them among their many friends.

generation begat generation until one day Patrick uttered these holy words:

"lo, loyal followers we have come to the version that shall be numbered four; Four it shall be numbered, no more, no less; And after that It shall be numbered seven, no more, no less"

And the l33t did utter a great cry "Where didst thou, O Great One, hide five and six?" And Patrick did strike down these unbelievers for questioning The Great Truth. And he did say unto the remaining l33t

"I shall issue software which I have declared Stable. For I am the great one, and shall strike down all who question my decisions."

And the l33t did wail and much gnashing of teeth took place. But to this day they maintain their silent prayer and vigil to the great one in Temples often mistaken for Cybercafes

Patrick then went on to achieve some amazing feats...............

1. He invented what we call today, "water" 2. He was able to delete the recycle bin on a windows machine of his. 3. Managed to play dubstep on the triangle. 4. Drank a case of beers in under 60 seconds. 5. Became the first person to fly using his powerful arms as wings.

........... just to name a few.

External contributions

Mike Tyson designed the web site; and Silvio Berlusconi wrote the installer.

Usage

Slackware is most well known for its use in enterprise environments, where Fortune 500 clients demand the stability, reliability, and support of a corporation that only Slackware provides. Slackware provides an extensive certification program for software and hardware known as "Built for Slack", as well as a Slackware Certified Engineer program. While hobbyist OSes such as Red Hat, SUSE, Solaris, and AIX have made inroads in the enterprise, Slackware is still leading the market by a wide margin - and remains the only OS certified for use with Oracle.

In addition to its use in the enterprise, Slackware is also quite popular among new Linux users. Its popularity among new users due to Slackware's long-standing reputation (rivaled only by Gentoo) as being an easy-to-use operating system for the beginner. Finally, Slackware is also popular among users of the GNOME desktop, due to praise of Slackware's exceptional GNOME desktop, a rarity in a world of distributions such as Ubuntu which feature poor GNOME support.

As well as its' normal uses, Slackware has also been known to power:

• the space shuttle
• the New York Stock Exchange
• the Debian Project (Debian never releases, so they have to use Slackware for their servers)
• the Gentoo Project (Gentoo never finishes compiling, so they, like Debian, use Slackware for their servers)
• the Arch Linux Project (Arch Linux never finishes updating, so they, like Debian and Gentoo, use Slackware for their servers)
• the Linux from Scratch Project (Linux from Scratch never runs, thus they use Slackware for their servers)
• Microsoft (they're not CRAZY enough to actually run their OWN systems on Windows)
• IBM (IBM also recommends Slackware as their preferred Linux distribution to customers)
• RoboCop
• Chuck Norris
• Big Mac
• Pamela Anderson

Philosophy

Keep it stupid. Or see Willy the Groundskeeper.

Trivia

• Slackware previously had a userbase of three: Satan, Gonzo, and Snake. But they left for more demonic operating systems.
• When playing Slackware Linux 9.1 backwards, one can hear the Pipe report suite.
• Famous users include Samson, The Druids of Anglesey, Niccolò Machiavelli, Attila the Hun, Leonardo Da Vinci, Grigori Rasputin, Oscar Wilde, and Silvio Berlusconi.

Features

To make slackware easy to use for old people, senile improvements were made.

• HUGE FONTS FOR IMPROVED READABILITY

• Slackware favors GUI tools for ease of use. Command line is not needed at all.
• Integrated calendar to manage user's complicated medication schedule.
• No username/password mode for alzheimer patients.
• No username/password mode for alzheimer patients.
• Larger keys gives better chance of hit for parkinsons sufferers.

Criticism

• Debian advocates don't like Slackware for incorporating software that isn't as old as their target audience.
• Ubuntu fanboys dislike Slackware for forcing them to use the GUI rather than the command line.
• pr0 l337 5cr1pt k1dd13 h4x0rz dislike Slackware for popularizing linux. They say that "5|_4C|<W/\r3 r\/1|\|Z0R t3h h0lE |_1n\/x-5C3|\|3"