Resident Evil 4
~ MC Chris on Resident Evil 4
Resident Evil 4, known in Japan as "Shoot People Just Because They Are Different Than You 5", is widely regarded as the most racist/politically incorrect game of all time. It is considered a great leap forward in the series, which has always allowed the player the kill slow-moving homeless retarded people who can only say Uhhhhhhhhhh, by now allowing the player to kill foreign slow-moving homeless retarded people who can only say Uhhhhhhhhhh... IN SPANISH!!!
Resident Evil 4 concerns Leon S. Kennedy's mission to, essentially, save President Bush's stripper wife, who is under the codename Ashley Graham (just look at that mini-skirt, or the Vegas unlockable outfit, I'd recognize that skank anywhere), from a cult known as the "Los Illuminados", roughly translated into English as the "Los Illuminados" or "Alkiada". In reality, the President has sent Leon to stop illegal immigration by attacking it at the source: Spain, the most powerful nation in what Bush has dubbed the "Axis of Taco." After invading the UK when joining the EU, Bush sent Leon to get his what he calls "wife" (even though she has a different surname from him). Reports conclude she is a Russian hooker looking for a sexy monk. People also speculate that Leon is only going to this village of "spiks" to get pussy from some girl that wears unmatching clothes.
During his mission, Leon faces many vile creatures, such as Nessie giants who are stupid enough to get trapped in a pit, a short french leprechaun, a gay Australian merchant/stripper, Mexicans with dildos probing out of their heads, fetish Mexican monks, and cute little puppies with tentacles probing from their brains, Nazis, a Mexican named Saddler who likes wang-paleing people, and, oh my fucking god, Michael Jackson.
Leon S. Kennedy: Widely regarded as one of the most emo characters in video gaming, Leon's hair changed from the stereotypical black to blonde when he reached Super Saiyan Emo, though he retained the characteristic eye-covering bang. This was before the incident in Raccoon City, where Leon killed the entire population of mentally handicapped. Bush, seeing his potential for unbridled cruelty and merciless killing, used Leon instead of Donald Rumsfeld for his operation "Taco Salad."
Leon, a member of the Kennedy family, is secretly trying to overthrow Bush by allying himself with the "Los Illuminados" in order to slip the extra extra hot sauce into his next crunchwrap supreme. Leon never realise himself of being such a pervert when he was looking up at under Ashley's skirt from below (in fact Ashley had no underwear on), instead of helping her jump down the ladder. Leon's character itself adds terror to the game because he delivers some of the most horrifyingly excruciating one-liners in all of gamedom. These one-liners have been known to put players into short comas, during which they are stabbed to death by enemies. Also, during the course of the game, Leon has gay buttsecks with Luis Sera, and the two become loves and make hot, gay, paranoid babies.
Ashley Graham: Codename for Bush's daughter, Ashley had a break from college and decided to go to hell for spring break. Unfortunately for her, her complete ignorance of world geography led her to end up in Spain. Krauser took her there on purpose. When she asked a Ganados for directions to Cancun and he told her she was on the wrong continent, she replied "How was I supposed to know! You all speak Mexican to me!" Yep, she was screwed. Apparently, she's a real cracker. And sort of a bitch.
Ingrid Hunnigan: Token black mission control woman thingy who gives you useless information. Who doesn't have half a brain cell to send some serious firepower to Leon who complains to her about getting hacked to bits. All she can do is give him a damn playing manual. Halfway through the game, her transmission is taken over by Ramon Salazar, who besides being completely evil, is much more pleasant to talk to. At the end of the game, after Leon rejects Ashley's sexual advance (after she relises she'll never see those monks again), Leon hits on Hunnigan, saying she's cute without glasses, showing that the Kennedys just love their cocoa mamas. Like Aunt Jemima.
Puss in Boots: The only spaniard who doesn't smoke the "El Goodo Shit." He helps Leon and Ashley shoot up the cabin in the Pueblo. He's a drug dealer himself, thus why he does not smoke the stuff. He pops in every now and then and offers Leon his own special line of drugs that induces far better affects than Saddler's. Saddler skewers him with his giant genitalia to remove his competition. In the game he is under the codename "Luis Sera" and appears as a regular Mexican to the drug-addled characters.
Ada Wong: Asian woman from Resident Evil 2; she comes back to life after fan favorite Albert Wesker Orders the G-man to revive her so she can now be in the servitude of Albert Wesker and can be sent into a mission to retrieve Wesker's wife missing lipstick tube (Saddler calls it the "sample"...SICK!). She helps out Leon every once in a while, and has two action-packed minigames, both in which the mission is to have sex with the ganados, in button-press cutscenes, an idea later stolen by Rockstar for Grand Theft Auto.
Luis Sera: The known "cool guy" who makes some fucking sense when he talks, mainly because the El Goodo Shit has not made him severely handicapped. He comments on everything that he sees and successfully manages to infiltrate within the ranks of Saddlers Anus and steal the Plagas virus. Unfortunately, he dies by being speared through the gut by Saddler's 50 foot Plagas cock... really hard. His psychic powers caused Judgement Day, but also had it's benefits, which were none.Luis and Leon (Also known as LeonXLuis) then decide to run away together and get married after finding out that they love each other and having gay buttsex.
~ Luis Sera on Psychic Powers
Miiiiiiiiiiiiike! the helicopter pilot: US Spec ops pilot. A great guy. Paid Leon a pint when they served together aboard Air Force Two. He killed several Spaniards with his UH-1 gunship before getting slapped like a fly because he could have killed Saddler, an act only Leon was allowed to perform.
Merchant: An Australian dude (yes, an Aussie in Spain, go figure) that is creepier than the actual zombies. He appears to be a flasher at first, but he sells you cool shit like firearms and dildoes. He also says cool, witty catch phrases such as "What are ya' buyin?" "What are ya' sellin?" "Ah, the choice of an avid gun collector!" and "AHHH! I'll buy it at a high price." But for some reason he is always trying to sell you mayonaise.
Bitores Mendez: The Russians never killed Rasputin. Saddler was able to retrieve all of his body parts which had been scattered across the Russia, including his 12 inch penis, which was hidden discretely in Stalin's rectum. He fused them back together and "The Chief" was reborn. Apparently, Rasputin was hiding his monstrous red scorpion-like body under that magnificent beard of his, and all it took from Leon to reveal it was a little explosive barrel. Huh, no wonder they couldn't kill him, thanks Resident Evil! Now I can finish my report... He is also secretly Rob Zombie's tall, retarded twin. He gets owned by Leon after he foolishly spares his life multiple times, simply because he has the Las Plagas in him.
Ramon Salazar: Napoleon didn't die either. Apparently he'd been hanging out in a dingy little castle in Spain with Elvis, Kurt Cobain, and Slash's hair dresser, but they left when he started his little "take over the world again" scheme. Damn, they were a great band. Oh well, "Salazar" discovered a massive amount of weed Slash had hidden underneath his castle, and he promised to give the villagers some if they helped him dig it up. After smoking it, the villagers gave it the Spanish name "El Goodo Shit." This is why the Ganados have red eyes, move slowly, and can only say ¿Uúúúúúúúúúhhh?. Although they also speak Spanish which dull Americans never bothered to learn, and thus will obviously skip some Ganados saying when the hell is RE5 coming out. He dies he's eaten by a flower. Then Leon used too much weedkiller and it died.
He has two bodyguards which have become horrible monsters known as Verdugos due to some fool pouring nuclear waste on them. One of them foolishly engages in a fatal battle with Leon, while the other becomes Ramon Salazar's dick. Both of them get owned by Leon, but gave him AIDS before he got finished.
Osmund Saddler: Emperor Palpatine also survived being buttraped by the Second Death Star's Core. Having decided he has had enough facial rape in his life, Palpatine moved to Margaret Thatcher's home village in Spain and changed his alias to (Quote the retarded Spaniard in Resi4) LORRRD SADDDLERRR... Now the leader of "Los Illuminados", Saddler plans to give some of "El Goodo Shit" to the party-girl Ashley, so that she will get stoned out of her mind. Then he will send back her home to her father with "El Goodo Shit", and when Bush smokes it, he will immediately legalize marijuana. This will allow Saddler, Salazar, and the Chief to become the mack daddies of the weed market, and their newly formed Rastafarian party will be able to gain control of the country.
Saddler is also a homosexual, and not afraid to admit it. Proof of this can be seen when he
rapes makes gentle love to Luis Sera. Leon was to become his (sex) 'slave'- notably by giving Saddler a good time in bed each and every night. Proof of THIS can be seen in the new mini-game, Separate Legs, where the main objective is to actually turn against the American government, and go rouge, helping the Los Illuminados and doing special 'favors' for Saddler, Mendez and Salazar. The more points you accumulate, a new level of sexual deviance is added.
Krauser: After reportedly drowning in a sea of severed monkey rectums in Iraq, Krauser returned from the dead due to an injection of the xvyp virus developed by Umbrella Corp. After this he moved to a small island south of the New Mexico border and started a new life as a zombie fish farmer. After several years of perpetual boredom Krauser found the love of his life, a young woman named Fanny Flapper. However this love was not to last after her lower half exploded due to his incredibly huge zombie penis. After this event Saddler came and promised him a woman who could take such a member on the condition he danced about his island doing flips while saddler built a military installation in place of the minimart on the corner. Soon after Leon came along, Krauser was tasked with penetrating him with his zombified appendage, hilarity and double entendres ensued, Krausers dad was a mexican porn star. This guy is actually pretty cool, and is an obvious ripoff of Rambo, using a large, badass looking knife and guerilla tactics when you actually fight him. During your first encounter with him, you must use button prompts in an interactive cutscene, dodging his knife and penis slaps while he talks about how much ass hes gonna kick when he gets his hands on Saddler.
Villager Ganados: Beaner for "Herd"; Villagers that have become stoned out of their minds by smoking "El Goodo Shit." They try to attack Leon with a variety of garden tools, leading some to believe that they are actually mentally handicapped landscapers. This also explains why they speak mexican. I don't know exactly what they say in mexican, but I assume it's something like "Please shoot me in the head Leon!" To which I reply: *bang bang* BOOM HEADSHOT! HOW YOU LIKE THAT CHEECH? OH, YOU WANT SOME TOO CHONG? *bang bang* BOOM HEADSHOT!" Leon does encounter one sitting on the toilet in the game after he gets raped by the BIG CHEESE.
Dr. Salvador: Equipped with chainsaws, these cats are a tougher kill simply because they're lumberjacks, and thus, very manly. They also wear potato sacks on their heads, because they are always engaged in some sort of kinky sexual activity with the female ganados. Some of them are also mentally retarded, picking up one of the broomstick, seeing it as a chainsaw and eventually got killed by enemies by picking up wrong weapon. People are wondering why the lumberjacks like to wear potato sacks on their head and what will they look like with out the potato sacks on their head. They are fools. See also Bad Grammar. They are thought to be clones of Leatherface.
Monk Ganados: Due to a ridiculously high level of uranium in the holy water these guys are bald and want to gang rape Leon while muttering words in a hoarse whispers that sound exactly like the theme to your mom. Ashley often recalls that having sex with them was like a albino sinking his teeth in your skull.Also listen to them talk. They say "modern STDs" one time in the game. Seriously ..listen to the background sounds when in the castle...coooooool.
Military Ganados: More like US troops than high wetbacks, these have flails, shockers, crossbows, and in the case of Big Joe, a BIG FUCKING MINIGUN!!! They also get shot down in the game by Mike until that dumb fuck Saddler Mctaintstain kills him.
Jack Krauser: Not like any other cracker; this knife-weilding psycho masters the art of getting high and will stop at nothing to get more of the good stuff. That bastard kidnapped Ashley. Oh and he is also related to Flint from the G.I.Joes.
Bitores Mandez: Perfect! The big cheese! The chief of Pueblo; he's taller, stronger, faster, and has much bigger cajones than Russian Reversal This guy will only die if you pull out his magical eye out of his socket and up his pisshole.
Ramon Salazar: The eighth castellan of his huge-ass castle. He is shorter, crazier, and more of a smart-ass...oh and has the tiniest penis in the universe. He shows an example of tentacle rape on Leon. He also has Napoleon Syndrome.
The Regenerators Big fucking motherfuckers that breath loud and have athletes foot. Leon cant kill these things unless he sees leeches protruding out their anal cavities and shoots them. Usually found in freezers and garbage disposals since they like the smell of shit and like to beat things a pulp if they don't bite the shit out them first. Leon points the gun at them too long and they eventually run at him like the have shit in their pants. They also have the ability to strech their arms out to long distances making scientists believe that they are the offspring of Mr. Elastic man and orangutans.
Big giant ogre thing Likes to pick up trees and hit Leon with them. Often found in confined spaces with large wooden gates and dogs barking. They are vulnerable to knives, beings that it has a huge dick coming out of its back. Although big and strong they have the fear of dogs, that suggets that they are relatives to cats.
Verdugo Ok to be honest no one knows what this creature is. Some may refer to it as Rodney Dangerfields retarded brother, others may refer to it as Sigourney Weavers worst nightmare. It likes to hide in sewers and attack with its unusually sharp penis. BUT WHO CARES. The only weakness is freezing it and blasting it with some sort of missile launcher..... good luck finding one.
Ashley was kidnapped on her way home from a midnight rave. She was walking home when Krauser pulled up to her in a 1988 Ford truck. The man apparently was looking for his lost puppy in which Ashley agreed to look for in return for a lollipop. She got in the truck and hasn't been seen since. Leon Kennedy a newly trained secret service agent was sent to find Ashley after he lost a rock paper scissors game to Agent Smith. When he arrived in Spain to look for a lead he stumbled into the "pueblo bar", got really drunk and somehow killed all the children in the pueblo, as well as somehow losing a cow up a tree.
When he awoke by the pueblo all the villagers were pissed at him. Leon killed them all, saying, "I had to kill them they were all talking in fucking Spanish!". Leon then decided to spend some alone time at the nearby lake. He took out some heroine and the next thing you know he was on the run from the police.
When the police got there they found a dead fat man severely cut by what appeared to be harpoons. At the site of the crime they found a note from Leon which read "I swear I had to fucking kill the huge alligator in the lake. It attacked me and I had to do what I had to do!" Later, Doctors claimed he was suffering hallucinations from the heroine. When asked where he went next he said he had gone to the village's church. Supposedly, there was going to be a great party, but when he got there he found Ashley. Leon then had asked Ashley how she got here. Ashley said she had gone with a man looking for his pup, they had gone to the harbor and Ashley heard a noise coming from one of the crates. She opened it and fell in, She then said she lost consciousness.
When she awoke, she was in a strange distant place where when you drank water you peed blood for seven days. At first she thought it was hell because everyone spoke Spanish, before seeing a paper bag floating down the street and running after it, ending up in the church. Leon then told Ashley they should return home by asking for the mayor's permission to fly home on his helicopter.
But before that they went to a party in this cabin outside the village. There they meet Luis a escaped convict who is charged with dealing drugs and impregnating sisters. Leon bought some more crack cocaine and they both had some. When police arrived at the cabin they found bodies everywhere. Innocent teens shot to death by Leon. When asked what happened Leon said, "There were so may people there, I felt so smothered! All I wanted was for some freaking space, and this duche was hitting on my girl!" Leon and Ashley later went to the Mayor's house and murdered the forty-five year old. At the crime scene the mayor was chopped in half and one of his eyes was popped; there have been reports of cannibalism. His house was then set on fire. Then they reportedly went to the castle north of the village which is now a museum.
The Castle Massacre
Leon and Ashley were still pretty high off when a party took place. The academic achievement awards were being held in honor of high-schoolers with good marks. Three hours later, two hundred sixty-seven people, including the security service, were killed. When asked why he killed all those people, Leon remarked "It was self defense! They were trying to kill me! I'm too good-looking to die!". Video footage from one of the cameras shows Leon fooling Ashley by making her follow the "pretty" red light coming from his gun.
Twenty minutes later, Leon is seen shooting a Knight statue with a shotgun. Salazar (Napoleon), the chief of Security (plagued by his short size and heavy wallet) tried to stop Leon. Vince Verdugo (Salazar's Assistant)(coming from rough beginnings, as he never met his real dad and his mother was drunk, he was always a quiet boy and liked to watch crime shows on t.v., all throughout elementary and high school he had good grades, he graduated from high school with all honors and had been his schools valedictorian, after less than a year he traveled to North America and attended the University of Alabama for 8 years earning a masters degree in criminal justice, after which he came back to Spain and got an intern job in a local police department, after one year he was hired as a security guard and was offered a promotion after a job well done, when he prevented a bank robbery and apprehended a man which was on the international most wanted list,he refused the promotion and said he wished to be a security guard a few more months so he could have time to establish a family with his two year girlfriend) he was found in the basement frozen to death in the sewers. When asked why he did this Leon said "He was black and very fast, and he tried to shank me! They took Ashley away from me I had to rescue her! And... what were we talking about?"
Video footage shows Ashley being rescued by one of the guards. She is seen in a room playing with Barbies. Leon then reached the security room and killed Salazar and his other assistant. When asked of this he replied "They were like "Rarrr" and I was like "DIE YOU @*&%$# $&%#@!". And it was difficult pronouncing all those symbols, but I did it!"
One of the people heard the shots, and took Ashley to the island nearby (an old closed chemical factory) which was being used by cult members at the time. Steve Saddler, the leader of "Los Illusionados", held Ashley captive in order to "save" her from the American pig and make her their spokeswoman or "Los Puta". Leon tracked Ashley down by the used condom they had used on Ashley, some of which are still floating in the sea.
Leon then managed to breach the island's harbor. We told Leon what he recalls, this is what he has to say "All I remember is Spanish people, and then me bleeding. I bled a lot". Police found a chocolate factory being operated on the island. Leon then remarked "There was no chocolate factory! It was a Jessica Alba regenerator machine. They had some of Jessica's DNA samples and tried to make an Jessica Clone army!". Then Mike arrived, killed 1,500,000 Ganados and died while trying to masturbate in his cockpit, causing him to stop piloting and crash.
Osmund then sent Governor Schwarzenegger, to apprehend Leon. Leon thought he killed him, until he found Arnie dry humping Ashley. When Arnie saw him however he didn't want to get beat again and said "Fine, comrade, looks like Ada needs some lovin'" and went and raped Ada Wong. But Ada raped him instead and cut off his dick to use as a dildo. Ashley then departs with Leon and head off to the island Osmund confronted them. Leon then blew him up with a rocket launcher from the nearby WAL-MART store on the island, but since it takes more than some military-grade high powered rocket launcher the size of Leon, Saddler regenerates and swims back to Africa to start the events of Resident Evil 5.
Leon and Ashley headed off the Island after they accidentally set fire to the oil reserve under the island. Leon then consentually rapes her on the Jet Ski.
******Note: Ashley never got the Lolly Pop, despite finding the dog about 5 mins into the game******