Resident Evil 5

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Looks like our favorite Resident Evil hero has been taking steroids!


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Resident Evil 5.

Resident Evil 5, is yet another video game designed by Capcom, and is the seventh installment in the series. How long they plan on continuing in Africa, just like Resident Evil 4 took place in Spain, as the Resident Evil heroes got sick of living in America.


Resident Evil 5 takes place a few years after Resident Evil 4. Chris Redfield arrives in Africa to track down a scoundrel named Ricardo Irving who had been selling Umbrella bioweapons on the black market to get some dollar dollar.

Chris is assigned a new partner, an African-American chick named Sheva, after his old partner Jill falls to her death while trying to make Albert Wesker die in a Disney villain fashion.

Chris and Sheva discover that the local residents have turned into homicidal maniacs known as Majini, and decide to kill every single one of them.

The pair manage to find Ricardo Irving, but he manages to escape along with a hooded chick. Chris and Sheva learn that the maniac is heading to an oil field, and pursue him, killing more deadly Majini in the process.

Ricardo Irving transforms into a horrible monster in an attempt to kill Chris and Sheva, but ends up getting killed instead.

Chris and Sheva follow the hooded chick to an underground laboratory, where they discover a corporation named Tricell had been continuing Umbrella's crazy research.

Chris and Sheva discover the hooded chick is in fact Jill Valentine, and Albert Wesker is behind everything. After freeing Jill Valentine by yanking the mind control device off her chest, Chris and Sheva pursue Albert Wesker to a tricell tanker.

Killing Albert Wesker's girlfriend Excella in the process, Chris and Sheva fight Albert Wesker, but he retreats into a giant plane that will transmit Uroboros all around the world. Chris and Sheva pwn Albert Wesker once again, but the plane falls into a volcano.

Albert Wesker turns into a shirtless monster, but he falls into the lava and starts melting. Albert Wesker, trying to kill his nemesis, attempts to drag their escape helicopter into the lava, but Chris and Sheva make his HEAD asplode with rocket-propelled grenades. Chris and Sheva then fly into the horizon.

For people who don't like Resident Evil 5

The Good Guys[edit]

Albert Wesker getting owned by the good guys.
  • Chris Redfield: Our favorite Resident Evil hero, he has been taking steroids as of late and now has big muscles!
  • Sheva Alomar: An African-American chick that decides to help Chris.
  • Josh Stone: A helicopter pilot who somehow survives the homicidal Majinis.
  • Jill Valentine: Surprise surprise! She's still alive! But now she's gone crazy and evil! Turns out she's being mind-controlled by Wesker...

The Bad Guys[edit]

  • Ricardo Irving: A crazy man who talks funny and works for Tricell. He mutates into the great Leviathan, but is killed by Chris and Sheva anyway.
  • Excella Gionne: Aa chick with huge breasts that is Albert Wesker's girlfriend. But unfortunately she gets infected with Uroboros and vomits lots of spaghetti and dies.

  • Albert Wesker: If you don't know who he is, you don't deserve to be a Resident Evil fan! For some reason the developers decide to kill him off in this game after he infects himself with Uroboros and becomes an evil, shirtless, mutated man!

He's crazy!


  • Town Majini: A group of villagers that are a ripoff of the villagers in Resident Evil 4.
  • Wetland Majini: African natives gone crazy!
  • Base Majini: It's the military! Chris and Sheva are screwed!
  • Executioner Majini: A Majini who wants to hang Chris and Sheva.
  • Chainsaw Majini: A Majini who is impersonating Dr. Salvador.
  • Big Man Majini: A Majini who's too sexy for his shirt, just like Albert Wesker himself.
  • Gatling Gun Majini: An impersonator of J.J.


After this game black people started to boycott Capcom. But of course they did not succeed...

Due to constant bitching from the black people and the face eating zombie outbreak there, Capcom decided that Resident Evil 6 would take place in Florida. In Resident Evil 6: OMG Zombie Apocalypse Florida, you play as Chris Redfield and Sheva, who have recently joined the U.S Coast Guard. You will then fight off illegal Cuban zombies trying to make their way into Florida.