1944 Summer Olympics

The Cardiff Summer Olympics emblem featured the Wales Millennium Centre near Roald Dahl Plass, better known as Torchwood Three. The discovery that neither were supposed to have been built in 1944 sparked controversy at the time.

The 1944 Summer Olympics, officially known as the Games of the XIII Olympiad, was held in Cardiff, United Kingdom from 22 July to 23 July, 1944. A total of 4815 athletes from 42 countries and 26 other planets participated in 23 sports. This was the first instance where the Summer Olympics were held in Cardiff, and the first instance where extraterrestrial athletes and sports were featured.

Selection and opening

In June 1939, the IOC gave the 1944 Games to London, ahead of Rome, Budapest, Helsinki, Athens and Shangri-La. World War II stopped the plans, and the London 1944 Summer Olympics never was. However, great things were afoot that would force the 1944 Games to take place.

In September 1942, a group of Daleks appeared at Cardiff Bay, Wales, demanding immediate talks with one of the leaders of the world. This was interpreted somehow as the leader of the British Olympic Council, Lord Burghley, who was quite surprised upon being approached by the Daleks. Urban smog, however, soon caused the Daleks' vision to be impaired. But just when this threat had been eliminated, a group of Cybermen appeared, threatening to "delete" Lord Burghley unless certain conditions were met.

Lord Burghley greets Dalek Sec at the opening ceremony preparations. Note President Beeblebrox's complete obliviousness to the Dalek.

These conditions were:

1. Britain would nevertheless host the Summer Olympics.
2. Any and all extraterrestrials would be allowed to participate.
3. At least 25% of sports featured would be extraterrestrial.
4. Everyone would have fish and chips, even people that can't eat.

Lord Burghley consented, as he was not particularly keen to be burnt thoroughly before having his brain tissue picked out and placed inside a metal body. In return, Burghley was named chairman of the organising committee, and was given a top-secret dossier on all forms of alien sports in order to make his picks.

The Games opened on 23 July, 1944, in the Wales Millennium Centre. The Cardiff Rift began to transport all alien teams to Earth, starting with the Dalek team at 04.00. (Needless to say, Torchwood Three were extremely busy, and not in the way they usually get busy.) By 12.00, Roald Dahl Plass was filled with every competitor participating. The procession began at 14.45, lasting three hours. The Royal Family, of course, were forced to watch Dalek Sec make the welcoming speech, which consisted purely of 451 words ending in "-ate". After welcoming the athletes to several weeks of "DE-GE-NE-RATE RE-CRE-ATE" the Dalek ordered the King to declare the Games open. Queen Elizabeth would later remember the incident as "slightly fearful".

Competition

The Mondas team consisted of one Cyberman, who participated in all sports. Any conflicts were resolved with make-ups at tea time.

The countries and planets represented were: Adipose 3, Afghanistan, Alderaan, Argentina, Atlantis, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Bermuda, Betelgeuse Seven, Brazil, Brock, Burma, Callufrax Minor, Canada, China, Clom, Colombia, Cuba, Czechoslovakia, Denmark, the Discworld, Egypt, Endor, Finland, Greece, Griffoth, Hoth, Iceland, India, Ireland, Jahoo, Kashyyyk, Korea, Krikkit, Krypton, Luxembourg, Magrathea, Mexico, Monaco, Mondas, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Poosh, Portugal, Pyrovillia, Qo'noS, Rodia, Shallacatop, Skaro, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Tatooine, the United Kingdom, the United States, Ursa Minor Beta, Turkey, Venezuela, Vulcan, Woman Wept, and Yugoslavia.

Some notable teams included:

• the Skaro planetary team, consisting of the same Daleks that Lord Burghley had encountered. They numbered a mere four; however, Dalek Sec claimed at a press conference that "WE WOULD DE-STROY THE O-LYM-PI-ADS WITH ONE DA-LEK!" This claim was ridiculous, of course, since this would have left them unable to participate in doubles table tennis.
• the Mondas planetary team actually consisted of a single Cyberman. Since the Cyberman was equipped with a multi-core processor, he was eligible to participate in doubles table tennis.
• the Atlantis national team. While Atlantis was widely believed to have sunken beneath the seas and lost forever, it had in fact merely been nonexistent and thus was safe from any such disasters. In addition, since they existed in legend, they had the advantage of having gills, which many other teams attempted to claim to be an unfair advantage.
• the UK national team. Unfortunately, due to conflict between the home nations, the team was composed solely of Welsh athletes, due to issues of pride as well as getting to Cardiff. One English coach was quoted as saying, "Those aliens, they have a rift through space and time to get to Cardiff, and all we've got is the blasted M4. Actually, we don't even have that, because it's 1944."

The following is a sport-by-sport overview.

Alien sports

Bat'leth Combat

Few countries dared attempt any entry into the traditional Klingon duels, as unlike Earthlings, Klingons are always trying to get killed. Eventually everything came down to a final match between Kahless the Unforgettable and Krikkit Robot #1138. Unfortunately, #1138's attempted blows merely left small dents in Kahless's skin, and Kahless decapitated it in one swift stroke, winning the gold medal.

It's like this, except in the seventh dimension. Sports historians have suspected the reason Brockian Ultra-Cricket has been played in the seventh dimension is merely further irritation for those who are out of the loop with regards to this sort of thing.

Brockian Ultra-Cricket

The sport was requested from the planet Brock, and appeared reasonable as it had aspects similar to cricket. Unfortunately, most athletes failed to jump to the seventh dimension, and those who did get there realised a critical similarity between Brockian Ultra-Cricket and cricket -- nobody could figure out what the rules were. In the end, the Dialects declared themselves winners, which sounded pretty good to everyone.

Kal-if-fee

The Vulcan "passion fight" was adapted into a martial art for the 1944 Summer Olympics. Most died, leaving only the Vulcan representative alive; however, it turns out McCoy had injected everyone with neuroparalyzer drugs, merely simulating death and turning the entire exhibition sport into a copycat of "Amok Time" from Star Trek.

Lightsaber Combat

Unfortunately, the galaxy far, far away was not yet introduced to the general public, causing much confusion as to what that bright glowing thing was. Nevertheless, the Korean team won, thanks to the fact that they were already showing signs of early adopter syndrome.

Podracing

Since everyone knew without even being familiar with this sport that it was extremely dangerous, the Tatooine team won by default.

Global thermonuclear war, although it would have actually resulted in less athlete deaths than either Spaceport Cantina Fast Draw or Tearing Arms out of Sockets, was actually war, and so was rejected from the 1944 line-up. Moreover, since such a concept didn't exist yet in the public consciousness, it could have been somewhat disconcerting. It could still be a demonstration sport for 2012, though.

Spaceport Cantina Fast Draw

The Rodians came in dead last, which was met with very little surprise or pity. After the death of half the athletes, the Tatooine team won quite handily.

Tearing Arms out of Sockets

There was controversy as to whether tearing arms out of sockets qualified as an alien sport. However, just before the opening ceremony it was settled that while tearing arms out of sockets as uncivilized behaviour was definitely not alien, as a sport it was definitely alien. As expected, the Kashyyyk team won, thanks to their unique motivational training.

Earth sports

American football

This sport was nearly classified by a half-smirking Lord Burghley as an alien sport, until the United States team discovered the categorization and were outraged. Eventually, the sport was reclassified as an Earth sport. However, the American team did not win; they were not strong enough for the indomitable Cyberman from Mondas.

Archery

Many aliens were at a disadvantage; for example, for the Daleks, their vision was completely impaired at the archery range. The one-Cyberman Mondas team here recorded its first win due to their vision not being impaired at all.

Athletics

The athletics events, typically the highlight of the Olympics, had to be halted completely when, in the Men's 100m qualifiers, a Dialect ex-ter-mi-nated all other competitors, and subsequently the crowd when it started to boo. All Dialect weapons were confiscated at this point, and all events resumed, with the unsurprising win of the Cyberman from Mondas.

Basketball

United States wins. What did you expect?

Cycling

The Cyberman from Mondas would have won this event quite handily were it not for the complete destruction of his bike that occurred when he sat on it. In the end, the Adipose team won because competitors would stop and dote at them while they pedalled with their little feet. Aren't they adorable, though?

Diving

If you did not expect the Atlanteans to have won this event, kindly come out from that rock you've been living under since the formation of Earth.

Equestrian

The Hoth team was one of the few alien teams with any experience with riding animals (tauntauns, in their case); however, they overestimated the strength of the horses' bodies and unfortunately snapped their poor spinal cords. In the end, the British team won.

EX-TER-MI-NATE ALL FOOT-BALLS!

Football

Unfortunately for the British, the sport had to be scrapped entirely when the Daleks pre-emptively ex-ter-mi-nated the world's entire supply of footballs.

Gymnastics

The Adipose won. They were soooooo cute, the judges just had to give them all 10's.

Modern pentathlon

No Earth athlete could have possibly stood up against the lone Cyberman from Mondas, who finished the entire run in 20 minutes. When asked how he did it, the Cyberman said, "you know, it takes a man of steel to execute a modern pentathlon with excellence. Luckily, as you can see, I am such a man," before digressing into an advertisement for his new "upgrading programme."

Swimming

Again, nobody expected the Atlanteans to go home with anything less than platinum.

Table tennis

Even aliens could not put in the inhuman effort required to beat the Chinese at this game. Have you heard how good they are at this?

Tennis

The final men's singles match was between the US and Krikkit players. Unfortunately, at the last minute a giant Blancmange devoured both and claimed the gold medal. Nothing quite as exciting happened in the other events.

Volleyball

Four volleyball events were contested, with China winning one and the United States three gold medals.

Nope, for once, nothing exciting happened.

"And ... yes! It's the Cyberman from Mondas! Yet again! Goodness me, when will he stop winning?!"

Weightlifting

The Cyberman from Mondas affirmed his legendary status by winning yet another at-least-50-percent-brute-force sport.

Wrestling

The Cyberman from Mondas nearly came to his demise when, in the final men's freestyle heavyweight match, the Dialect adversary attempted to exterminate him. Fortunately, the Cyberman simply reflected back the extermination ray, killing the Dialect.

Ranks

Unfortunately, the medal tables are lost forever (see Closing ceremony). However, with so many wins by the lone Cyberman, Mondas likely placed first, followed by the US, Atlantis, Tatooine, Korea, Kashyyyk, the UK, Skaro, China and Qo'noS for the top 10.

Closing ceremony

The closing ceremony took place at the Wales Millennium Centre. The torch was in fact extinguished, and the Olympic flag was about to be handed over to when a British athlete noticed that construction for this building started in 2002. This was rather disconcerting to everyone when they realised that it had not been 2002 yet. Here is an excerpt from the official report of the British Olympic Council:

When Mr Jenkins spotted this temporal anomaly, there was a gasp in the crowd. This plaque was definite evidence of foulplay in the 1944 Olympiad.

Just then, a vworp-vworp sound rendered half of His Majesty's family in attendance temporarily deaf, and exploded some heads. A dark blue police public call box appeared in the middle of the aisle, with a man emerging from inside. He claimed himself to be "the Doctor" as well as "903 years old" and a "Time Lord." The Council believes that he would have been summarily arrested by police and taken to a nearby police station, except for the fact that he had emerged from a police box himself. Oh, and except for the fact that the Torchwood agents ran towards "the Doctor" at the exact same time the police officers in the building ran for it, and the two groups collided in mid-aisle. Ah, Torchwood. What would we ever make fun of without you?

Well, smile for the camera and then run for our lives. I am so photogenic.

He explained the situation in a high-strung, maniacal manner, despite his claimed sovereign status over all matters temporal. He warned everyone to stay still while he troubleshot. The Council observed subsequently that the trouble that he shot, or, more accurately, caused to implode, was apparently the Dalek Sec. Emerging from the police box at this point was a man, who started to flirt with athletes of all genders and ethnicities, and a chav.

Subsequently, this "Doctor" warned us to grab onto something, as time was "rewinding." Before I could finally step forward and ask him what his point was, I as well as everyone else was hit with a strong gust. The Council has since determined that it was during this "rewinding" that the detailed records of all events for the 1944 Olympiad were lost. When the gust finally subsided, the "Doctor" could be heard triumphantly shouting phrases like "this whole thing never happened" and "eye of the storm," then exclaiming "what?!" before murmuring something about "slight error in calculations" and "22nd rather than 23rd" and "sorry, so sorry" and "allons-y" and "let's get out of here before they form a vigilante mob."

Legacy

Unfortunately the legacy of the 1944 Olympics has been forgotten by most, save the surviving 1963 people that had directly experienced the Games. Despite being the only Olympics Games to be hosted in Cardiff, the only Olympics to feature alien athletes and sports, and one of the few Olympics that never actually happened, nobody knows of the remarkable progress made in these Olympiad Games.

See also

• Olympics
• World War II
• Torchwood