Google Military

Google

Overview

A spin-off of the popular Google Earth, Google Military, was developed in nineteen-eighty-twelve by the Belgian branch of the then non-existent Google corporation. Meant for widespread use, the Google military program was in essence the same as Google Earth, but with the addition of a button labeled 'Call in Air Strike'. A later version of the program would also include a 'Nuke' button, and the president of Belgium was quoted as saying:

“I [think that] Go[ogle Military is the best product] to [ever hit] the market! [I'm buying twelve] on Saturday[!]”

~ Dan the president guy on Google Military

The technology was created in response to widespread complaints from unsatisfied Google customers, namely those of Burton origin, many of whom felt that the previous versions of Google Earth had simply lacked the ability to PWWN N00BS HARDCORE. The company was hard struck by this gross oversight, and nearly went bankrupt until a clever and forward-thinking employee (Mr French) finally came up with Google Military as a way to make Google finally titillating (if safe search is off!)

Shortly after release, the product came under fire by critics, who called it "dangerous", "unethical", and in few extreme cases "fat". However, studies have clearly shown that Google Military is, in fact, crucial to a child's learning experience, and actually less dangerous, with average use, than everyday doomsday devices such as giant lasers in space, gravity-reversal guns and George W. Shrub.

Development

Developed by the Jews, Google Military was envisioned by American teens, who, after just having played a couple games of , were still in the mood and looking to "Pwn some 867-5309" (it is still unknown how the 5309 was pronounced). They went on Google Earth and, finding a disturbing lack of bombing abilities to 'roxxorz' the neighboring China, made contact with those in the Google corporation. After some deliberation and just a bit of pointless bickering, plans were made to develop 'Google Military'. The group of gamers promised to get a 'mod team' together, and Google left the project alone until it was finished.

Production soon got together and, after a couple of minutes in Photoshop, the basic template had been created. The work on Google Military, in the end, only took about three weeks. However, the nerds then had a party at their workplace to celebrate the new product. Five people are still missing, presumed dead. During the party, vast amounts of alcohol were consumed, which resulted in the loss of most of the people's brains. In the end, it was deemed a success, although it took several Reverends, and in the end, a large fire to cleanse the workplace. Reverend Brackets was confined to a mental asylum for an indefinite amount of time. After four, the socially inept, aesthetically displeasing, and quite hungover freaks of nature handed the program back to Google, who then took the product and sold it as their own. When questioned about how it worked, the programmers were only able to assert that they were "stone drunk".

Having been birth through the used vagina of the 'Virgin' Mary ("My ass..." says Joseph) the 10-man strong Googlian Military went through the hardships of kindergarten, and after successfully passing the entrance exam into K-5 after only three tries, they moved on to glory, just like a random hole placed in a wall what almost certainly has a dude behind it when you believe its a girl. Speaking of girls, the 10-man strong military is actually comprised entirely of shemales. They were recruited so that if the enemy ever got a hold of the roster, they would be completely oblivious to the fact that they neither were males nor females but super-weapons.

Led by the infamous war brothers, Marionus and Luigirio, also known as Ping and Pong, began the three-hour military exercise that would choose only the best of the best of the worst to fight for the glory of all Googledom.

After three hours, the roster had been cut down from 10 super-soldier shemales, to a stunning 20 with a chance of one more if he/she would be freed from the gaols of Nazi Germany.

Weaponry

The Military of Google utilizes special, as yet to be developed weapons thus ensuring when they are in battle not even their own troops can use them to prevent them from being stolen. Under the supervision of Dr. Catherine Halsey of O.N.I., who also worked with the Spartan Program in the year 2536.89, the most intelligent of the human race such as George 'Dubya' Bush of the United Skates of Amerika and Kim Dong Sick of North Poorea came together to form the Military of Google supplying them with the most advanced weapons known to all Jiral'hanee kind.

Examples

Plasma Arcs

Cuts anything as strong as paper in an instant.

Lightsabers

Utilizes light that has been indeed slowed down. Requires the rank of Jedi or Sith Lord.

Large Hadron Collider

Thousands of the Googleian Troops construct the LHC to smash atoms together for the 1 in 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 chance that it will make a black hole that would suck up all the enemies and leave them unscathed.

Nuclear Waste

The military of Google bathe themselves in the substance so that they may attain supernatural powers to destroy the enemy.

Death Star

Advantages: Provides user with the power to blow up exactly one planet.

Disadvantages: Costs $10,000,000,000,000,000.49

After firing a single shot, it will be destroyed by kids firing lasers in the 3 meter long exhaust pipe that is behind literally moon sized array of weapons, enemy fighters, and the cold of space.