Existentialism
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Greeks
19th-century
American Philos
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“Existentialism is the perfect excuse for those who want to live a promiscuous life and still look erudite.”
“There’s no such thing as a moral or immoral book. Except for the Kama Sutra. And the Bible. And that hideous Where’s Waldo series.”
Existentialism is a philosophy created by chronically depressed individuals. Often confused with Nihilism, existentialism has been scientifically proven to produce really annoying people throughout the Southern United States. Think of someone who waves their wacky religious views in your face all the time. "Existence is meaningless!" they say loudly. They claim to be "philosophers" and "scientists", but we know that this is just a cover for their real identity, Napoleon Bonaparte and his bezoomy malchicks.
Existentialism and you[edit | edit source]
The existential movement is a cover for people who are so overpoweringly emo that they can't just be emo, even making themselves feel alienated from chuck taylor all stars. This, as anyone who has worn a pair of the venerable chucks knows, is extremely hard to do since they are so comfy. How can one be alienated from something so comfortable? Only they know.
No atheists in foxholes[edit | edit source]
As we all know, existentialism is a pox on Mankind. It must be stopped as soon as possible, before it gains more followers and becomes inextricably linked to a crappy form of music and complete lack of fashion sense.
The trick to combatting existentialism is merely to make the existentialist's life suck so bad that he/she/it/them is/are forced to believe in something in order to get through the day. If existence gets bad enough, they'll have to acknowledge it. Simply put, there are no atheists in foxholes. If their life actually sucked, they wouldn't have time to be alienated, they'd just look for their next trash can to scrounge through and go on about their daily prayers, just like the rest of us. How can you make their life a living hell? Start a war! Choose from the list of weapons that exist, but shouldn't (particularly Axl Rose's voice). Resort to terrorism. Do whatever is necessary, I'm counting on you.
Followers of Existentialism[edit | edit source]
Despite of its inherent stupidity, many people think existentialism is a pretty solid idea. Regardless, existentialism is a cock. Naturally these people hate the outdoors, shun human contact, and play World of Warcraft. (Maybe even Everquest – you can never tell with these people.) Basically, if you run into an existentialist, punch him/her/it in the face. Naturally, they will be unable to deal with this state of affairs and will merely withdraw back into the insanity which plagues their minds. You may say to yourself, "My, this seems a lot like how I should treat emo people!" In this, you would be correct, except that you use a fist instead of a slap. It's more fun (and funnier) to just humiliate the emo.
Søren Kierkegaard[edit | edit source]
Søren Kierkegaard was one of the earliest to deduce the mystery behind time travel. It's true! In perhaps his most famous publication "The Present Age" he speculated that the news at some point would reach the point of over saturation where information would supersede any sort of factual knowledge and that all sense of responsibility in the publication of news would be absorbed into the vast blackhole that would become the media. In a manner of speaking he foresaw the advent of the world wide web!
This in turn prompted him to build a cybernetic organism called the T-999.999 and sent it into the future to assassinate Al Gore before he could invent the internet. The "Kill-o-matic" as he named it, went to the wrong time period as he input the date and coordinates incorrectly. Consequently it went back some hundred million years and effectively slaughtered all the dinosaurs to exhaust its preset kill quota. Kierkegaard denied all responsibility for this event and could not be reached for comment. The Kill-o-matic is currently flitting about history, killing people who don't pass on chain mail.
Jean Paul Sartre[edit | edit source]
Jean Paul Sartre is best known for when he ran through Paris chopping off heads with a giant axe and successfully blamed his actions on determinism. Sartre was a fan of capitalism and frequently wore a "Money for God's Sake" jersey to football games. Sartre is famous for claiming that "existence preceded erection", which he later disproved in a fit of unprovoked passion.
Sartre also had a widely known hatred for mirrors which caused his untimely demise. His sense that all people view themselves as an object, that is the "other" caused him to hate looking at himself. This in turn caused him to crusade to destroy all mirrors in Paris. This crusade gained momentum with other mirror-haters and eventually spawned the seldom discussed "4th Crusade" which evoked all of Europe and was the catalyst for the second world war. After the war and before Sartre was able to gather his forces to crusade to recover the Kingdom of Heaven, he was attacked by a knight of the EFF (Existentialism-Freedom-Fighters). He was fatally wounded and his legacy left in disgrace.
A "how to" guide to existential reasoning[edit | edit source]
So you want in on this phenomenon that is existentialism! First, there are a few questions you must ask yourself, and if the answer is no, then you should do the requisite action or start thinking differently before taking the plunge.
- Are you the questioning type?
- Do you trust your senses?
- Do you believe in the power of empiricism over belief? (You just have to believe that your senses are leading you astray, so this one's crucial.)
- Do you believe in a higher power?
- Could you accept the world as it is being the only reality?
- Do you have a cool Nordic-sounding name? (optional)
- Would you consider a name change? (if you said no to the previous question)
- Do you have good health insurance? (in case of Axl Rose's voice)
If you have successfully passed this small list, congratulations! You are well on your way to being an existentialist.
The next step is learning a bit about some world religions. (Just enough so that you can sound like you know what you're talking about, while really knowing only the flaws.) Here's a method you can use to easily show a religious person that you know more about their religion than they do:
- Ask how many times they've read their sacred text. "So you've read the bible seven times?"
- One up that number. "Well, I don't want to sound pretentious, but I've read the good book more times than Jesus. (You do want to sound pretentious.)" Don't actually say the part in parentheses; it might sabotage your chances of proving your superiority.
- When they bring up a story you're not familiar with, act like it's completely off topic and counter with a story you do know, and question whether they know your story. "The Great Flood? What does that have to do with major disasters? If you want to talk about disasters, let's talk about that Cain. He totally killed Abel, you remember that disaster ... or do you?"
- Always question their motives. "Tithe? You just want to go steal the collection plate, don't you?"
At this point, they should be totally submissive to your great knowledge of the faith.
Now you are free to say that with your superior knowledge, you know better than to believe that particular religion ... if you've properly argued, that is.
How to not be an Existentialist[edit | edit source]
Have you considered Scientology? Perhaps Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Satanism, or maybe even becoming a firefighter, doctor, proctologist, dictator, pedophile, or – God help you – joining the ranks of professional wrestling? Or "alternative" religions such as Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, Jedism, Sithism, or even Communism?
