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- 1 AD - The IRS is invented by angry accountants, thousands mourn.
- 1865 - Abraham Lincoln leaves a scathing Yelp review of Ford's Theatre on his way to the afterlife.
- 1912 - The RMS Titanic strikes an errant iceberg and starts to sink (Pictured), thankfully the passengers use the ship's many doors as makeshift life rafts and all survive.
- 1912 - Meanwhile, dozens of innocent Polar bears are severely injured as their iceberg is struck by an overrated piece of metal. Icebergs later sue for libel, loses to jury with three cruise ships.
- 1947 - Jackie Robinson breaks the color barrier, then reimburses Major League Baseball for it.
- 1989 - The Tiananmen Square square protests erupt over absolutely nothing. Move along, citizen.
- 2013 - Two Chechens bomb the Boston Marathon, Mark Wahlberg's pupils turn into dollar signs like in the cartoons.