Zordon
Zordon (July 15, 7973 B.C. - June 5, 1998 A.D.) was the gigantor floating head that created the Power Rangers. He was a corrupt pedophilic Sodomite wizard trapped in a time warp by his rival named Rita Repulsa AKA Bandora the Ashkenazi Juice Force Lady. Zordon and Rita/Bandora were friends until Zordon discovered that Rita was brainwashing people by giving away free cars, Cheez Doodles, and gold-coated poo-poo from Pastor Semenya in Uganda and smelt really eggy. She even tried to conquer the Galra Empire and overthrow King Zarkon, attempting to kill the innocent Fiveman, Bioman, Jetman, Liveman, Turboranger, Gorenger, and other ranger clans for refusing to submit to Satanism let alone evil Zionism, as Fox Juice had to create Zionist atheist multiculturalist propaganda for 4Kids to usher in the Jew World Odor. This angered Zordon and he plotted to imprison Rita in a dumpster for the next 10,000 years, but instead he set some spandex-clad teenagers from some sunny American city on her bad ass every Sunday at 9.15am. She was obliterated, but teamed up with Darth Maul and Zombie Jesus, who were also smote by Zordon and living in the underworld to get their own back on that big mean soon-to-be floating head. Rita was furious and retaliated by trapping Zordon in a time warp, making him appear to be the giant head inside of a tube. She also created Hurricane Rita. Her younger sister was named Barr Rita, who changed her name to Roseanne Barr in retaliation towards her older sister for stealing her Care Bears shoe charms long ago.
In June 2007 Zord-On took over Britain by brainwashing (with a spud-gun) the British into dressing up in spandex and calling on awfully-animated robots to do their dirty work, before realizing this made no sense and just threatening them with being 'Rita-fied' if they didn't support him. He then assumed the name Gord-On, but this had to be lengthened to Gordon Brown to unerect suspicions from David Cameron that he was in fact Cameron's ghostly and floating father.
Early years[edit | edit source]
Zordon was born over 1,000,000 years ago to an Amish farmer and his wife in Eltar, Quebec, Canada. He lived on the farm until he was 15 and ran away from home, moved to Utah, and converted to Mormonism. It was at this time that he met his first two wives, Donna and Marie. They married in 81 B.C. and divorced two years later amid total humility and bad career moves, including an ill-fated Zordon rap album released that same year.
Zordon decided to convert to Buddhism in 79 B.C. after being fed up with the strict lifestyle of Mormons. He then took a job as a stand-up comedian, to much success. He kept doing stand-up even after Oprah turned him into a giant head back in 8007 B.C. He even got his own HBO special in 1992. Below is a clip (Warning: Strong language!)
After this highly successful special, Zordon then finally decided to ask his long time sweet heart Susan Boyle, for her hairy hand in marriage. They moved in together to the command center shortly after Susan lost on Britain’s got talent.
But after that Mr. Yashiki rescued them and then raped the both of them in the butt hole.
His recent campaign was described as passer by Jake Clayton: "Err, I think he could win against the other dude"
Power Rangers[edit | edit source]
In 1993, Zordon and Alpha recruited a team of teenagers with attitude known as the Power Rangers. They were Red (Jason), Blue (Billy), Pink (Kimberly), Yellow (Trini, an Azn girl), and Black (Zack, who, ironically, was already black).
They battled Oprah and her monsters until she was overthrown by an evil skeleton dude named Lord Ed.
The Rangers were headquartered at the Command Center. One day, when Zordon and Alpha were smoking pot and getting high, Zordon came up with the idea of adding a Green Ranger named Tommy.
Zordon loved machines. He even watched Voltron and Super Sentai and invented his own version of the robots portrayed on those shows -- the Zords, which can be connected to form the Megazord! The Megazord actually bears a striking resemblance to Optimus Prime.
Modus Operandi[edit | edit source]
The Power Rangers are Zordon's elite special forces group. The Power Rangers pose as mice disguised in human form during the day, and come out to become metal rock stars at night, and, uh, I guess super heroes. Zordon made them swear never to show their rodent-ish identities to humanity, not even to their friends, Oscar Wilde, or even their wise janitor Mr. T. As time went by, a bunch of kids decided to try and imitate them, ending in failure, stupidity, and an excess amount of crushed hopes and dreams.
Things he created[edit | edit source]
- Earth
- Good
- All hands on the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
- Evil
- Randy Hardy
- Power Rangers
- Hockey
- Jesus
- Flying Potatoes
- Not-so-good Vegetarian Burgers
- Plastic Rosaries
- Care Bears
- Gay-robot pride
- YouTube
Death[edit | edit source]
Zordon died in 1998, supposedly from having too much unprotected sex with alpha. What Alpha did was open up the tube and feed Zordon; this usually took place while the Rangers were summoning their Zords and all that nonsense.
A memorial service was held, and everybody from Alpha to Billy Graham to Lord Zedd attended.
The Second Coming[edit | edit source]
Rumors have surfaced lately at a Potato Conference in Idaho, that a giant glass tube was erected *snicker* in a barn in Washington. This glass tube has caused many theories but the most frequent is the one over Zordon's second coming, which was hinted at in the Book of Revelation.
Revalation 68:346 And ye, a man and his slaves, dressed as sodomites (gay people), Rose from the abyss of canceled television programs.
Prime Ministerial Candidacy[edit | edit source]
In June 2007, Zordon (or Gord0n as he is sometimes known, mainly to Scottish people, took over Britain. His full title became "The Partially Honorable Comrade James Gordon Josef "Comrade" Molotov Sanjeev Baskar MacBroon Brown (1997 - 2004, 2005 - 1901), also known as The Iron Duke, Iron Eyelids, Gordon Shit, Broon fae Troon, Our Dear Leader, Gordon Clown, No Mandate Brown and Gordzilla", as stated on his alternative page, Gordon Brown.
Presidential Candidacy[edit | edit source]
On February 24, Zordon announced his intentions to run for president in 2012.[1] All of the Power Rangers are said to be backing his bid. Currently, he has 36% of the votes, but people say that is apt to change. He is up against Black Obama and odds are looking in Zordon's favor
He is running on the Green party ticket.