User:Zana Dark/GUIdos

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“The most important thing for me when I'm on tour is my guitar and my eyeliner.”

~ Alexi Laiho on 2005 interview

“Alexi is the one tr00 god!”

~ Some random Laihoist on Alexi Laiho

“I dunno, I think he's pretty sweet...in bed, and with a with a guitar...but mostly in bed.”

“Your Gwitar Playings is inferior you cannot do sweeps arpeggio! Go die!”

~ Skwisgar Skwigelf on Alexi Laiho

“Your Vocals totally suck man, you sound like a 5 year old girl on crack. I hate you. You Suck.”

~ Nathan Explosion on Alexi Laiho's vocals

Dislexi (later interpreted as "Alexi") "Nobody-knows-whose-child" Laiho is the lead guitarist ("git-arsist" as Dislexi spells it, because, after all, he is Dislexi...) of the bands Children of Bottom, Fück-a-löt and Shitergy, or at least he thinks so. He has also performed the same duty for Tit-Serf Ant (they thought they call themselves "Thy Serpent", but they were wrong, because they were all Dislexi. In fact, Dislexi's mother was Dislexi because she named Dislexi Dislexi instead of Alexi...) and Overboiled Assarene on occasion in addition to Gaymen, or at least they think so.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Guess who?

Early Life[edit | edit source]

He was born PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSrecording a video-tape which she labeled "How I Loved A Dog", which was on the other hand inspired by Steve Vai's song "Four Of Them Loved A Dog", and it was especially influential on Dislexi's decision to become a "git-arsist". He soon began taking I LOVE YOU MATTHEW YOU HAVE A HUJE SLIM JIM FROM YOUR BRO TYLER I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND HANDSOME PENIS , even with a piano. The development of Dislexi's technique was heavily influenced by Stoned Roope Latvala (one of his sister's boyfriends, who many years later became his buttmate in Shitergy and then in Children of Bottom). His oral influences came mostly from Pedo-Phil Anselmo (from Facktera) and Mille Fartozza (from Kreasstor). He was also involved in inserting various things taken out of sand. JEBEM VAM MAMU U PICKU RETARDI RETARDIRANI, :) volim vas :D

1990s[edit | edit source]

After taking part in an experimental party named C.O.C.K. with friends from the conservatory, Dislexi founded in 1993 the black-neck/neo-redneck/who-like-Shrek-and-occasionally-watch-Star-Trek metal band called RetartheD (which later became Children of Bottom) together with drummer Jaska Raadickainen and then-bassist Samuli Minititinen.

At the age of sixteen, Dislexi found out about existence of certain institutions called "schools". He was very surprised and excited when he found out Gay sex those "schools", but he didn't want to waste any of his time, and dedicated himself fully to Children of Bottom instead. In 1997 he joined "Tit-Soiled", but to date the purpose of that act has not been uncovered, as the only thing he did was drinking their coffee and alcohol in enormous... Wait a second, that just might be the purpose of that act! Yippee.

Dislexi (a.k.a. Alexi) up to his usual antics.

Anyway, with the release of Children of Bottom's debut ("de-butt", as Dislexi prefers to call it) Sucking Wild, the band paid a visit to Overboiled Assarene in Russia, where Dislexi got drunk, and joined the latter band as a lead "git-arsist". Dislexi stayed with Overboiled Assarene and drank their coffee and alcohol until 2001.

One year after the release of Sucking Wild, most probably at the age of nineteen because he was eighteen when they released their first album so I suppose eighteen plus one is nineteen, Dislexi, to world's great surprise, stopped drinking coffee and alcohol. Instead, he started drinking tea, cola, whiskey (he thaught it's not an alcoholic drink) and ginger juice, and he ate thirty pounds of popcorn, twenty-two fresh fishes, two hot waitresses and five chocolate cakes. A friend visited him, and after they ate and drank all the leftovers, they were drunk like shit, so they decided to go to a hospital and tease all the sick people there. But Dislexi suddenly sobered down, ruining the fun. He decided to skip regular breakfasts and instead practiced his butt-training with increasing frequency. He increased his already dedicated practice schedule and made his technique on subsequent albums more skillful than their "de-butt".

In 1999, Dislexi was invited to join Shitergy by Shiterly Gross, as the lead "git-arsist" and support tea/cola-drinker. In 2001, Stoned Roope Latvala joined Shitergy, and a "master against disciple" situation was created, resulting in several gay-parties organized in Shitergy's studio, in which Dislexi and Roope tried to defeat each other in various tea/cola/ginger-juice-drinking competitions. They both lost every single competition.

2000s[edit | edit source]

Dislexi was a demonstrator on a song by Too/Tight/For/Me ("In Thy Butt It's so Tight") and on a few songs by Farter, he also co-produced the "de-butt" album of the band Sniffin', all between 2001 and 2002, making him more and more a ginger-juice-addict (not to mention tea and cola).

In September of 2002, Dislexi's custom Michael Jackson dildos (one of them bearing the famous "Nobody-knows-whose-child" sticker, which was the dildo with which he appeared in all of the early Children of Bottom pictures) were stolen by an unidentified thief while he was gay-partying with the other members of the band after a night of gay-partying after a successful gay-party. Dislexi needed new dildos, but Michael Jackson had just sold the stolen ones to the Tender Homosexical Dildos Company and wasn't able to build a custom dildo for Dislexi for at least one year because it would become obvious that he was the thief and that he stole the dildos just so he could sell new ones to Dislexi and earn some extra cash (plus, of course, the cash he earned by selling the stolen dildos to Tender Homosexical Dildos Company). ESP Guitar-Dildos ("pEinlesS Pee", as Dislexi calls them), however, told Dislexi they could build a replacement in three months, so he drank a cup of tea with the company employees to celebrate the occasion.

In 2004, Dislexi founded a fuck-rock-hard-cock side-project called Fück-a-löt, which was assembled together with Tommi Lil'Man (ex-Shitergy) and Vesa Jock'Inen (from Klymakteria). The band was created merely for their entertainment (tea drinking and gay-parties), and takes a carefree approach to their "de-butting". The band's existence was futile. They didn't even drink enough tea to internationally be recognized as a band.

Dislexi's life is dedicated almost entirely to "de-butting", and whenever he is not on a gay-party with one of his bands, he is playing gay-games, drinking tea or practicing. His main hobby is car-dildos; he was taught how to use them by the man he thaught was his father at the age of 10. In February of 2002 Dislexi by mistake married Shiterly Gross, frontwoman of the band Shitergy, during a private gay-party in Finland (obviously a mistake). Prior to the marriage, they by mistake dated for four years (what the hell was wrong with him!?). In 2004 they separated, because - as Dislexi put it - "she missed some thing, and she was not working out."

More than once, Dislexi has referred to his bandmates as "probably the only real friends I ever did". He has the letters "COBHC" (Children of Bottom Have Cocks) tattooed on his hand as an homage to Ozzy Osbourne, who wanted to deny that fact. A couple of fans from across the world have reproduced the tattoo on their hands, a few of the more passionate ones even on some other parts of their body.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Alexi Laiho's "Nobody-knows-whose-child" sticker, commonly misinterpreted as "Wildchild", was inspired not by the W.A.S.P. classic as Laiho himself claims, but by the song "Wildchild" by Enya.
  • Laiho has taken pleasure oftentimes in slightly altering his appearance and taking on the role of a female he refers to as "Avril Lavigne".
  • Alexi is worshiped as god by a small faction of drunken Irishmen who refer to their religion as Laihoism. Alexi is currently unaware of this fact. If you happen to meet him, please inform him that he is the one tr00 god.
  • There is a rumor that Alexi has three hundred children. It goes without saying that these kids are the tr00 "Children of Bodom".
  • There is a quote from former Guns n' Roses guitarist Slash in which he stated "I would rather shit a melon than listen to one more minute of this fucking bunghole!

Films[edit | edit source]

Dislexi has made appearances in various films, usually in a minor role, or appearing as himself. Some of his most notable appearances are:

Famous Riffs[edit | edit source]

[Cum] In Your Face
|------------------------------| 
|------------------------------|
|------------------------------|
|------------------------------|
|------------------------------|
|-0000-00000-00-0000-0-0-00000-|
Repeat x8
|----------------------------------------------------------------------------20----------------| 
|-------------------------------------15-18-17-15----18-------------------------------------18-| 
|-17--14--15-14-----17--14--15-19-17-------- 17-15-14------18============================D-----| 
Repeat as many times the fuck you want to.

See also[edit | edit source]


God being godly. Note that Janne can also be seen in this picture, leading some scholars to believe that Janneism is the true religion and Alexi is but a demigod. This is accounted blasphemy and the scholars have been raped by a guitar fret in the ass, and had their keyboards broken.

Laihoism is a religion that hails Alexi Laiho (a guy from an amazing Scandinavian metal band) as God. Despite its comparatively small number of adherents, it is actually the only true religion. Of note is the fact that many people hold Laihoism as a second religion, these "Secondaries" (as they are called) are not true Laihoists but do avoid insulting common sense by at least partially believing that the man pictured at right is not a man, but a god.

Origins[edit | edit source]

God

The sacred texts of Laihoism are not yet complete but a tribe of penguins is being kept locked in a room containing nothing but typewriters, tinfoil, and whiskey until the sacred texts are finished. This should be sometime around June 12th, 2266. These Sacred Texts are the most long awaited things on Earth besides Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy," which is rumored to be released sometime in the year 3306. At any rate, the Sacred Texts are going to teach that a year or so ago some random Irish guy and his drunken friend were at a pub in Ireland doing what Irishmen invariably do in Irish pubs, getting shitfaced drunk. The Irish guy was just starting to get drunk enough to be called Irish and the Drunken Friend was lying on the floor babbling about Spartans, guitars, Vikings, Chuck Norris and how he himself is "more deadly" than all four combined when suddenly Alexi Laiho appeared on a table in the middle of the room and started playing an insane guitar solo. From underneath the table the voice of the Drunken Friend intoned "I'm a Spartan and I can kick Chuck Norris' ass. Alexi's a god. Damn, I'm deadly". The Irish guy heard this wisdom and took it to heart. The next day he got on the internet and started spreading the news that Alexi is God. Because the internet is full of the sort of people who read articles like this one, Laihoism quickly gained popularity and is continuing to grow. It hopes to become the only official world religion before 2100.

Practices and Beliefs[edit | edit source]

Except for Alexi's birthday, Laihoism has no official feasts or holy days, but instead requires its followers to drink and listen to heavy metal 24/7. On April 8th (Alexi's birthday), Laihoists gather in groups of ten or more to drink together and it is required that they drink a toast to Alexi's greatness at least every five minutes. Also, if any priests of Laihoism are present they must wear their holy vestments on this day. These holy vestments are quite unique to Laioisim, they consist of tinfoil arm plates, a random non-hat item worn as a hat, a Children of Bodom tshirt, and several random medieval weapons. More tinfoil armor and any other metal garb may be worn but is by no means required. Aside from the indisputable fact that Alexi Laiho is God, Laihoists do not seem to hold any other real beliefs, but many people have their guesses. There has been no discussion of the afterlife, although some believe that Laihoists are granted eternal youth. The position of other insanely good musicians is a highly disputed matter, whether they are Gods, demigods, saints or simply better Laihoists than anyone else.

Vestment Parties[edit | edit source]

Often, Laihoists will hold "vestment parties". A group of Laihoists wearing the Holy Vestments gathers together in the mighty name of Laiho to listen to Children of Bodom albums and drink till they can't see straight or even tell what band they're listening to.

Derka Derka Bagel[edit | edit source]

Derka Derka Bagel is a phrase almost completely unknown outside of Laihoism, but is held with high regard by Laihoists and is possibly the most religious phrase in the world. It was brought into Laihoism by a high priest named Meatloaf[shit], who is known as "the Spirit of laihoism" the only people allowed to say "Derka Derka Bagel" aloud are Meatshit himself and those select few who Meatshit has bestowed the blessing of Derka Derka Bagel upon. Namely, the creators of Laihoism (beerdo and Sronpop) The author of this article (Fleagorth) and an unknown friend of several Laihoists, who is not, in fact, a Laihoist but will become one shortly after reading this. If you speak the holy phrase when it has not been bestowed upon you then you will be justly shot and mutilated and/or dropped in a vat of boiling oil with several babies to be feasted upon at a vestment party.

Spin-offs[edit | edit source]

A rabid Viking Penguin, who happens to be a fervent Laihoist and the head of the LSTIC (Laihoist Sacred Texts Inventing Comitte)

Some Laihoists have been divinely inspired to start their own religions. Thus we have Warmanism (worshiping Janne Wirman, Alexi's pet keyboard player), Skwigelfism (hailing Skwisgaar Skwigelf from Metalocalypse as God), Mäenpääism (devoted to Jari Mäenpää, Ensiferum's old singer and Wintersun's sole member), Heriism (extolling Heri Joensen from the band Tyr), Lorcan/Connorism (hailing two homosexual sisters as gods), SLAMism (dedicated to slam greats such as Devourment), and a few others. Conversely, some n00bs have decided to steal the sacred idea of Laihoism and apply it to their own lame bands. Hence we are plagued by AFIism, Triviumism, Bulletformyvalentineism, hotemoguyism and a host of equaly appalling atrocities. There are however brother religions to Laihoism, The cult religion of Emohateismand another who can be compared to the awesomeness status given how all of the true laihoist practice it, the newly founded lorcan/conorism, which worships laihoism's creaters as gods, much like the muslims worshipping allah (but not as gay).

Influence on Society[edit | edit source]

Laihoism has absolutely no influence on society as a whole. This is because all Laihoists are such losers that no one will listen to them except for other Laihoists. This isn't saying much seeing as all Laihoists do is talk about who is the bigger Laihoist.All such enquires should be forwarded to founding Laihoists Beerdo and SronPop who will promply bitchslap the matter closed. All Laihoists strive to one day achieve actual religious status, so they can call holidays whenever they want. Such an event would be catastophic and would likely cause widespread hangovers.

No Girls are Laihoists[edit | edit source]

A Laihoist doing what Laihoists do best

There is no such thing as a female Laihoist, one reason for this is the fact that girls aren't manly enough to be Laihoists. Several girls claim to be Laihoists but their only motive is that they want to get a true Laihoist to have sex with them because true Laihoists are extremely manly and have huge sausages. A few other girls claim to be Laihoist because they want to have sex with Alexi Laiho; however this task is impossible since they would burn if they touched him. The reason for this is unknown, some say its becase or his relationship with fellow bandmate Janne Warman, and girls cannot sleep with gay guys. Whatever the reason, his penis can butt through steel. This has caused many problems with fans who get too close to the stage, just ask One Eyed Wendy if you dont believe me. There are also an incredibly small number of girls who think that Alexi Laiho is far greater than any other man and greatly admire his musical skills. These girls may or may not want to have sex with him. These girls may consider themselves Laihoists but because they don't actually consider Alexi God (they merely think he is awesome) they are not tr00 Laihoists, just pathetic horny little girls and no one likes a desperate chick (unless shes hot, then its ok).

Founders[edit | edit source]

Laihoism was founded one drunken night is a pub in Ireland, where two legendary gobshites who are known only as Beerdo and SronPop thought the idea of basing a religion around Alexi Laiho would be both 'Awesome' and 'Badass' and after trusting the duties of writing the holy texts of Laihoism to a bunch of penguins, Laihoism was born. Not much is known about these two drunkards, as their uncyclopedia pages are not finished yet, how ever I think its fair to say that Sronpop has a particularly large penis. (note that this section was Authored by Sronpop, also known as "The Drunken Friend".)

True Laihoists[edit | edit source]

The only tr00 laihoist is one who regularly speaks in discussion at the alter of Laiho (groups.myspace.com/laihoism). There are only a handful of these people and they are held with high regard among lesser folk. These tr00 laihoists are such losers that they have nothing to do but drink, toke, eat, play guitar, drink, sleep, drink, listen to heavy metal, worship at the alter of Laiho, drink, go online and drink. All while drinking. Their names have only recently been discovered and they are Meatloaf (birthname unknown, lives in Dillon's yard), Dillon (is most entertained by making fat jokes about meatloaf), Chris(a most successful mafia don. Both The Godfather and The Sopranos are based on his life), Tyler (taller than a tree), Conor (not a bumble bee, has a religion based on him), Lorcan(rumored to be creator of laihoism. Has not been seen in months and is rumored to have been abducted by aliens or attending farmer college), James (murderface murderface murderface), Alex(has a huge dick), Xander(who's head is forever on fire), Tim (the drummer doodily doo) and the other Tim (with the V). these are the few that worship the most (some on a daily basis) and can do whatever they want to noobs, Emos and people claiming to be Laihoists and are not.

Laihoism's Bitches[edit | edit source]

Laihoism has three main whores who sleep with true laihoists on a regular basis and are the only women in the world held with high regards by Laihoists. Their names are Divya, Electra, and Chloe. Chloe owes the men of Laihoism nudy pics and has yet to provide. It is rumored that she has givin them to a wannabee bitch but this has not been confirmed. It is also rumored that she loves to suck Dillon's cock 24 hours a day. Divya is a yankee that has moved to California to help spread the word of Laihoism with the 2 other true Laihoist that live in California, Tyler and Xander. Electra is rumored to look exactly like Alexi on a good day, and may be his long lost twin sister. She does not want to sleep with Alexi because it would be awkward to have sex with her duplicate.

The concept that there are no female laihoists has been challenged by the existence of Electra. She wants to have sex with Skibanaesism and not with Alexi, also she actually worships Alexi for his music and not his dick (unlike many male laihoists). Electra is (disputably) the only tr00 female Laihoist.

How To Become A Laihoist[edit | edit source]

The first thing to do to become a Laihoist is click this link and join http://groups.myspace.com/Laihoism To become a Laihoist you MUST hold conversation at least once a week or you will be shot and mutilated. For the first few weeks or so the veteran Laihoists will treat you with no respect and you will be bashed and heckled constantly. If you can hold your ground you will eventually become a true Laihoist. Take a a veteran Laihoist's word for it do not say anything negative about Children of Bodom or Alexi Laiho for you will be bashed without end until you redeam yourself. If you are the lead guitar/singer in a band, you may grace your rhythm guitarist with one solo per album just as long as you play a solo right after he does and steel his thunder. If you can do these things you will eventually be treated as a true Laihoist and will share all the benefits of Laihoism, which is pretty much nothing besides constant heavy metal and drinking Legend has it that in order to be the ultimate Laihoist, you must concoct an "Irish Car Bomb" and then consume this beverage without throwing up.

Famous Laihoists[edit | edit source]

Retrieved from "https://en.uncyclopedia.co/w/index.php?title=User:Zana_Dark/GUIdos&oldid=5864727"