User:Sucharush/The Killers
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| The Osmonds | |
|---|---|
 The Killers posing with some of their groupies | |
| Background information | |
| Origin | Las Vegas, Nevada, United States |
| Genres | Post-Spunk Revival |
| Years active | 1939-1945 |
| Labels | Islam Records Scared of Heights Records Marijuana Records |
| Website | thekillersmusic.com |
| Members | Brandon Flowers Dave Keuning Mark Stoermer Ronnie Vannucci Jr. |
“His voice lacks emotion”
“Meh! The Bravery are Better”
“What a Handsome Fella!”
- This article's got soul, but it's not a soldier. Not to be confused with The Osmonds
The Killers are the first Mafia Rock Band formed by Ron "The Nooch" Vannucci (drums, percussion, rifles) in Las Vegas in 2002. The band consists of his hairdresser Dave "Hello Boys" Keuning (guitar, bagpipe, hairdryer, curling tongs), a local Jesus lookalike called Mark August September October Stoermer (bass guitar, healing hands), and a Church of the Latter Day Saints proselytizer who happened to knock on his door that day named Brangelina Flowers (lead vocals, skin flute,triangle.).
The group's debut album, Hot Rods (2004) brought the band lots of vagina, which the lead singer called "gross." The second album Sam's Brothel was released in 2006 while their compilation album Sawdust And Other Debris (containing B-sides, rarities, new material, and generally disgusting sex noises) was released in 2007. Their third studio album Gay & Enraged (produced and ruined by Stuart Price) was released in 2008. Although The Killers claim to kill groupies after their concerts, this is untrue. They merely rape them, and bite off their fingers.
Band Members[edit | edit source]
Brandon Flowers[edit | edit source]
Brandon Flowers was born on the 21st of June, 1981, on the Lost Island.
Before joining The Killers, he owned a flower shop in Nevada called Brandon's Roses, he was also little Jimmy in an Osmonds tribute band.
He was dumped by his first band Big Penis after socks were found down his jeans.
Brandon is a devout mormon and has six wives and two husbands.
In 2003, Flowers lost his memory after being attacked by a pheasant, and for six months thought his surname was Brightside. Years later, Flowers finally got his revenge on said pheasant by drowning it at a midnight concert. He commemorates this event by wearing the pheasant's feathers on his shoulders.
Brandon Flowers is a Demi-God, his Dad is Zeus and his Mum is a mormon
Brandon has claimed that he has soul, but then admitted that he's never served in the armed forces.
Brandon also suffers from an affliction of the body that delivers wave upon wave of Near Fatal Orgasms (NFOs) on anyone who happens to glimpse upon his perfection. These NFOs reduce the inflicted into a seething mass of uncontrollable sexual desire, which can turn fatal if the inflicted makes physical contact with the hapless Brandon. These deadly NFOs are now the leading cause of death among Victims, claiming more lives than concert asphyixiation and death-by-jealous-fangirl-vying-for-Brandon's-attention-(the-slut).
Brandon is accepted by most to be probably the most attractive person ever, apart from Chuck Norris.
In July 2010 it was confirmed that Brandon was indeed one of Tiger Woods' mistresses.
Flowers told NME magazine that there is a beast inside of him that wants to beat up Justin Bieber's hair, he latered apologized to the hair and stated that he would wear 'Bieber bowls' on his shoulders during The Killers next tour.
Dave Keuning[edit | edit source]
Nicknamed "The Hungarian Hairdresser", Dave was born Carrot Top in Budapest on the 28th of March, 1983. He is the youngest member of the band. During a tumultuous childhood of trying to realize his dreams, at age 17 he briefly donned the moniker "Tavian Go" and bleached his hair blonde. He later ditched this effort due to the lack of female fans and overabundance of male fans, then changed his name to David Brent Keuning as a loving homage to the subject of his wet dreams, Ricky Gervais.
Dave is featured in hair care advertisements all over the world, and received $1,300,000 for appearing in a L'Oreal ad.
In 2010 it was reported in UK newspaper The Scum that a statue of David was erected in his home village of Pororetsky in Hungary, although it turned out that it was just a scarecrow.
Dave is currently in a somewhat abusive relationship with his left hand.
Ronnie Vannucci[edit | edit source]
Born in Sicily in 1946 , Ronald Vannucci Jr. was the first of 21 children. His family moved to New York in 1951, followed by a trek to Las Vegas in 1997 following the tragedy that was Hanson's rise to fame. Not much else is known about the drummer, much to the dismay of many interviewers. He remains tight-lipped about his personal life, often repeating the words "I ain't saying nothing" when asked , although it is known that he spent three years in prison during the 80's. Vanucci has also denied claims that he is Ronald McDonald, despite a YouTube video that suggests otherwise.
Vanucci formed The Killers in 2001 after losing all the money he made from organized crime by betting on the New York Yankees to win the Super Bowl.
In 2005, he was convicted for looking too much like Krist Novoselic from Nirvana.
In 2006 Ronnie declared his dislike of Harry Potter by saying "He's the biggest asshole I've ever seen and i've showered in prison."
In 2007 Vanucci and Potter reportedly had to be separated after a bust-up in a London nightclub.
Ronnie denies ever having plastic surgery, despite having the looks of a man half his age.
The cast of hit MTV show Jersey Shore are all in fact Ronnie Vannucci's love children.
Jesus Tapdancing Christ! I mean, Mark Stoermer[edit | edit source]
Mark Stoermer was born in Bethlehem, Israel on the 25th of December, 1970. Stoermer learned to play the Bass Guitar at age 1.8. In 1990, the bassist claimed that John Lennon was his father, although Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code suggests that Mark was conceived from Jesus' frozen semen.
In 1995 his good friend Biggie Smalls introduced him to New York gangster Ronnie Vanucci. Two years later in 1997, Vanucci invited him to play the part of "Crabman" in his new TV show My Name Is Earl but Stoermer declined and instead decided to spend 4 years living in the desert.
In 2001 he joined Vanucci's new band The Killers, after the band's original bass player Osama disappeared.
It has been claimed that Stoermer is actually "The Stig," a racing car driver from the British car show Top Gear. Stoermer has denied these claims and argues that he doesn't even drive cars, because they don't wear make-up.
History[edit | edit source]
Formation and early years (2001-2003)[edit | edit source]
Keuning and the other members (apart from Flowers) met at his house to discuss becoming a band. Flowers, a devout cult follower on a recruitment drive, knocked on the door. Stoermer, being the kind Messiah that he is, opened the door and allowed Flowers in. Flowers immediately got to work on his mission, rambling on for eighteen hours about his religion. "The Nooch" then proceeded to throw a drumstick in Flowers' face and promised him a spot in the band if he would shut up about Brigham Young. Flowers accepted, and the band immediately got to work.
Hot Rods (2004)[edit | edit source]
Hot Rods went to Number one in 15 different countries including Madagascar , East Germany , Czechoslovakia , Austro-Hungaria , Tibet , Antarctica , The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia , North Dakota , Azerbaijan , Poland , Lalaland , Teletubbyland and The Isle of Man.
Media Reviews[edit | edit source]
NME magazine's review of Hot Fuss by Gavin Tomkins says "superb, amazing, astonishing, fantastic, remarkable, astounding, extraordinary, magnificent, spectacular, enjoyable, satisfying, immense, positively radiant, faultless, outstanding breathtaking, marvelous, delightful, pleasing, great, brilliant, perfect and fucking ideal but thats enough about Me and NME; The Killers album was alright I suppose"
In its highly objective one-sentence review of Hot Rods Rolling Stone Magazine called the album "gay shit"
In a lukewarm review, Pitchfork Media didn't like it, but then again, they don't really like anything except Radiohead, or Animal Collective and any other big pile of shit so no one was really surprised by that.
In a mixed review The Independent called it "Cuntacular."
Sam's Brown Hole[edit | edit source]
Sam's Brown Hole was banned in many less liberal countries like Sweden and England for inciting Homo erotic behaviour , it was however a big hit in the Middle East and Texas.
Media Reviews[edit | edit source]
Rolling Stone reviewer Rob 'massive gaylord' Sheffield said the album was
"Gayer than last night when i was balls deep in the Jonas Brothers. (-12/10)"
Gay & Enraged[edit | edit source]
The third studio album Gay & Enraged was a huge success and a scientific study found that it turned 29% of straight American men Homosexual with only 2% becoming Enraged.
Battle Born[edit | edit source]
Oh my fucking dead cat, they're at it again! The Killers are working on their fourth studio album supposedly titled "Battle Born", set to be released sometime in 2012. This album is said to bring more cheesy pickup lines and guitar riffs and less vocals, drums and bass guitar. They came to this decision when Brandon, Ronnie and Mark all decided to do solo projects and leave Dave at home to cook and clean and actually do something that would benefit(or so he thought) the next Killers album.
Classifying The Killers' Music[edit | edit source]
No one can really tell for sure what kind of genre The Killers' music can be classified into. Most reviews and articles written about the band are about how hot Brandon Flowers is. However, one song entitled Indecent Rocks and Balls seems to indicate that the genres "Indie" and "Rock & Roll" have been merged into their own genre.
Epilogue[edit | edit source]
Whereabouts[edit | edit source]
It is now believed that The Killers is/was recording its follow-up album, somewhere inside one of the remote unbombed caves in Afghanistan where its music still sells. Saddam Hussain helped them with their upcoming album after exile from Iraq where he is being chased by ladymen asking for sex. He provides the excellent array of banging noises heard in their smash hit `freedom for the dangerous`:These are bomb noises detected by the stereos blasting soulful music to homeless Afghan's.
When asked why they decided to record their album in the deserts of the Middle East, Flowers replied, "In the desert, you can remember your name, 'cuz there ain't no one for to give you no pain. Also, the dry, arid heat keeps my eyeliner from smudging." It is reported that Neil Young will meet the band in Baghdad for makeup tips, and cold lattes.
What to Expect in the Near Future[edit | edit source]
The new songs are expected to be more American-influenced, a reaction to the negative feedback that its music is more Icelandic-oriented, probably due to Stoermer's own doing, because he is Jesus, and Jesus believes in the land of Bjork.
In one of the rare interviews since the career-ending journey into married life, Flowers promised to infuse more "Oasis-styled songs and attitude" in the album. Fans and skeptics alike expect that the move would be a great departure from the over-all image of the band, as there would be more sex, drugs, alcohol, mud wrestlings, hair-pullings, hotel trashings and catfights in its future tours, which could eventually lead to "divorce."
However, Flowers is still being held captive by one of the many ravid female fans, rumored to have a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend Brandon Flowers had in February of 2002 (see 'Brandon Flowers').
The Victims[edit | edit source]
As mentioned in its title, The Victims is a select club; for a small price, you can get killed by Las Vegas' best. Really, all they do is tell you that they're taking you out at midnight for their 'sexy time', but really, they strangle you and take all your money to go towards their escape to the Himalayan Mountains. Sadly, since they kill so many people, there's a 23 year extrance wait to go on to the 'next place'. But once you are accepted, you go off to a special place called "A Place You've Never Been Before Because We Don't Want Your Sorry Ass." You can chat with other Victims on topics such as "Beetle Juice or Darth Fader?" "Revlon or Maybelline?" and you take to the polls in relation to subjects like "Brandon's or Dave's Snap pants?"
Disco-graphy[edit | edit source]
Hot Rods[edit | edit source]
- 1. Jimmy Was A Casual Acquaintance of Mine
- 2. Mr. Tight-hide
- 3. Smile Like You Want Tits
- 4. Somebody Sold Me (A Sex Slaves Tale) - featuring Madonna
- 6. Ghandi , You're a Star
- 69. On Top (Kama Sutra Version)
- 8. Change Your Pants, They're All Sticky
- 9. Relieve Me Natalie
- 10. Midnight Ho
- 11. Everything Will Be Alright (As long As You Don't Remove That)
- 12. Fabulous Indie Cocks and Twats
Sam's Brothel[edit | edit source]
- 1. Sam's Brown Hole
- 2. Enter Him
- 3. When You Were Drunk
- 4. Ling (that vietnamese prostitute that sucked me off in the toilets at burger king)
- 5. For Reasons You Shouldn't Know
- 6. Smack My Behind
- 7. Rubber Jonny (Tribute to Freddy Mercury)
- 8. Cones
- 9. My List of STD's i have
- 10. This River Is Quite Mild Actually
- 11. Why Do I Keep Cumming Too Early?
- 12. Exit Him
Tracks From Sawdust And Other Debris[edit | edit source]
- 1. Tranquilize Her And Stuff Her In The Refrigerator (Feat. Lou Peed)
- 2. Shadowplay With Flashlights
- 3. All The Pretty Facials
- 4. Leave The Comdom on the Elf
- 5. Sweet Talk Me So We Can Both Have Sex With A Leprechaun
- 6. Under The Gloryhole ("Remastered" With More Cum)
- 7. Where The Black Girls Have A Shankfest
- 8. I'll Show You How To Merge Wikipedia And Uncyclopedia {Note:This would destroy the universe but whatever}
- 9. Move Away (because Black people have moved in next door)
- 10. Unglamorous Indigenous Rock My Cock ("Remastered")
- 11. Who let You Go Out Of Your Kennel Ann Coulter?
- 12. The Salad Of Michael Kwanzaa
- 13. Amethyst, Take Your Sweet Ass Back To 3rd Street And Whore Some More
- 14. Daddy's Eyes Are Best Served With Sushi And White Grape Juice
- 15. Sam's Town (Happy Toad Version)
- 16. Romeo And Juliet's Dog
- 17. Change Your Hairstyle Again Madonna
- 18. Mr.Brightpenis (Jackie Loo Cunt's Fat Rainbow Marmaduke Re-Re-Re Mix)/Answers From The Captain
Tracks From Gay Enraged[edit | edit source]
- 1. Keeping In Touch With That Horse I Slept With
- 2. Hugh Grant
- 3. Pacman
- 4. Joy Ride On An Atari 2600 Controller
- 5. A Dusty Dildo
- 6. This Aint Your Wife Tiger Woods so why are you fucking her ?
- 7. I'm Not Gay
- 8. Nuclear Pussycat
- 9. The World We Die In
- 10. Goodnight, Hope The Travel Goes Well With All The Whoring You Do
- 11. A Blowjob From A Cripple (tribute to Heather Mills) - featuring Sir Paul McCartney
- 12. Titty Wave
- 13. Forget About My Shed (Especially The Felony's That Are In It)
- 14. Four Wens(The Secret Life of a Chinese Family of Whores)
Unreleased tracks or B sides only on singles[edit | edit source]
- 1. Get Trashed Until I Come Up With A Better Excuse For Why There's A Black Hole, Kathy Griffin, And Various Christmas Tree Ornaments On Our Kitchen Floor
- 2. Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself Because I Really Don't Give A Shit About What The Actual Title Of This Song Is (Although I'm Not Supposed To)
- 3. Where Is She? What!? She's With Deondre Again!? I'm Gonna Kill Those Two Motherfuckers!
- 4. Stereo of Truth
- 5. A Crippling Blowjob
- 6. Forget About What I Didn't Say And Never Will Say
- 7. Tidal Wave Of Racist Jokes (Seriously There's Too Many On This Page)
(Supposedly recorded tracks mentioned for two and a half seconds during random interviews a year and a half ago)
- 8. Freezing Down My Balls
- 9. Ghost Town (Literally)
- 10. Nightmare Land (I'm Pretty Sure A Million Bastard Children Of Ann Coulter And Rush Limbaugh Live There)
- 11. Coal City (A.K.A. 1/3 of Wyoming)
- 12. Vibrationless (It's Out Of Batteries)
- 13. A Change Coming On (I'm A Pre-Op Transsexual)
- 14. The Erecting Testicle(a song only performed live at their 2011 gigs that was written for their upcoming album "Battle Born")
Christmas Songs[edit | edit source]
For some reason, The Killers release a Christmas Single every year, starting with 2006. The single's money supposedly goes to helping Product Red, though it is most likely used to fund their next Christmas single.
- 2006 - A Great Big Shit On Ann Coulter's Face
- 2007 - Don't Rape Me Santa (Yet)
- 2008 - Joseph, Better You Than Me To Play Russian Roulette With A Fully Loaded Gun By Himself
- 2009 - A Very Merry Unbirthday To You & Me, Guadalupe
- 2010 - Boots, That Are Going To Be Kicking Your Face In If You Don't Get Me A Sandwich Bitch
Demo Songs[edit | edit source]
- 1. Replaceable Anus
- 2. Desperate For Some Hot Dilf Love
- 3. Oh Yeah, And By The Way, I Raped Your Family, Gutted Them One By One While Forcing The Others To Watch, Then Set Their Bodies On Fire With Kerosene On Your Patio And Watched Them Burn To The Ground While Jacking Off Over Their Burning Flesh And Eating Popcorn (I Recorded It And Put It On Youtube In Case You Want To See It Sometime)
- 4. Waiting For Love Letters From Iwo Jima
List Of People The Killers Have killed[edit | edit source]
- 1. Any band that Brandon Flowers says copies their sound, or any band "stealing their success".
- 2. Anyone that gives their albums bad ratings
- 3. Jimmy Neutron (in a justified manner)
- 4. The Jonas Brothers (again, in a justified manner)
- 5. Jeff Goldblum. As admitted by The Killers themselves, "it's like a massage really, except you kill people." Well they enjoyed one hell of a massage when they murdered Jeff Goldblum (confirmed) and threw his mangled corpse off a cliff in New Zealand (again, confirmed). Apparently Brandon Flowers was displeased with his "only satisfactory" performance in Jurassic Park.
- 6. Tom Cruise Brandon was displeased with the name Tom.
- 7. Tom Hanks Same as above. According to Brandon, "names should have at least four letters... or else you die."
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- The Killers was one of the bands that headlined the 2005 Bands To Believe In Festival, along with Fall Out Boy, Panic At The Disco, Coldplay, Green Day, The Bravery, Avenged Sevenfold, Evanescence and other equally self-important bands. It was no small feat since the band got to play in the main and big tent-like stage for a change, in contrast to the 2004 Bands To Bury Festival where it got a slot near the dumpster. The tent-like stage reportedly was able to accommodate approximately four fans, the most notable of which was the "late" great Oscar Wilde. Wilde allegedly suffered incontinence after watching the band perform which led to his untimely demise fifteen years later.
- Hot Rods was the fastest-selling album in the history of the universe, averaging a worldwide sale of 1 album per year. The band's label has reportedly manufactured a total of 1 CD in its entirety.
- Sam's Brothel was the best album made by faux British vocalist-led band since you were young. It sold (Insert however many people/things Ann Coulter has slept with) copies in it's first month of release. Holy shit that's a lot!
- Upon starting their tour in late 2006, The Killers finally allowed Theodore Julio Espino Hernandez The Third to join them in their gay ways.
- The Killers have an ongoing competition to see who can look most like a woman much to the delight of The Kaiser Chiefs.
- When asked why on their B side album Sawdust And Other Debris they re-recorded two of their B Sides (Under The Belt and Hanky Panky Rock And Roll) and made them shitty despite angering their fans, Brandon Flowers responded, "If we want to fuck up our songs so no one will like them except us, we can!" He then proceeded to have a temper tantrum.
- Sawdust And Other Debris sold -1 copies. When The Killers asked their label how this was possible, they said that only one copy was made and a gaggle of grues stole it and shot it into the sun.
- Gay And Enraged sold 666,666,666,666,666,666 copies in its first year of release. When The Killers asked their label how this was possible, they said that 99.5% of the CD's sold were bought by Satan, because he was thinking that it was a violent death metal album, as indicated by their name. After he found out it wasn't, he immediately exchanged all of them for various actual death metal albums. He then killed the band members of the cds that he bought with their own cds by slitting there throats after breaking part of the cds edge because he is after all, evil/Satan.
- Brandon Flowers had a Welsh Rarebit when he was young as a pet (BFWR), but he had to humanely euthanize it because "It wasn't good looking enough". Oh yeah, and it like killed all the inhabitants of Seattle and replaced them with large piles of semen and feces or something, I dunno. BFWR was reunited with Brandon Flowers when they were putting together Sawdust. He even got to sing lead vocals on the "remastered" versions of "Under the Bazooka Gum" and "Glamourized Rocks and Rollos" on Sawdust. (That might explain why they made most living things' ears bleed when first hearing them.)
- The Killers consist of 3 dancer, and 1 human. (It is not known who is which though.)
- The Killers are actually named after a gay bass drum in a gay music video for a gay band (Old Chaos). This is contrary to popular belief, because it is thought they named themselves the Killers because one day, Brandon Flowers' grandmother came to a recording session, and stared at David Keuning's face for more than 8 seconds. You do not stare at David Keuning's face for more than 8 seconds.
- The Killers most famous song is called "deedeedeedeedeedee",named after the song's signature guitar riff. People in certain social circles such as 50 Cent and Barack Obama refer to this song as "Mr. Bright House" because a Tampa cable company told them to.
- Interstate 4 is good.
The STD Trilogy[edit | edit source]
The "STD Trilogy" is about how the boys met up with Jenny Creig and had some good times. Here's the story...
- Part 1- Meeting Jenny:
The boys are at a night club breaking their backs just to know a good prostitute when they see Jenny Creig (looking like a prostitute as always) walk in and start mingling with the men. Intrigued, Brandon walks up and whispers "Somebody Told Me you give good BJs, do you have the potential to satify me and my band?" Jenny said back in a normal voice tone "It's not comfidential and I definitely got the potential". See "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers for more details
- Part 2- The Herps:
Back at the motel, they're doing what they do best, getting BJs from hookers. But Jenny, being the needy whore that she is, wanted more. So The Killers gave in and yeah... you know what happens. Well, the next morning the boys went to the doctor to get checked because they don't trust Jenny at all. They found out that Jenny has STDs and herpes and had passed it on to them. The Killers, not feeling like loving her no more and having All The other Pretty faces that they could have done without punishment ringing in their head, went back and told her and she shook and bleed while they killed her. See "All The Pretty Faces" by The Killers for more detail
- Part 3- The Motive For The Crime:
The police were called about Jenny being found and called the boys in for questioning. They stated that they did her that night but it wasn't the same, they had a fight about who was going to get the next BJ. They said that she said she was clean, but the tests stated otherwise. She couldn't scream while they cut her throat, they swore they'd never hire another hoe. They said there was a motive for this crime because Jenny Creig was a lying whore of theirs. The police saw that there was truly a motive and that they had also been trying to lock Jenny up for months. They were thanked with gratitude and let go.
See "Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine" by The Killers for more detail