Jonesy Laysing, also known as
Dick Jonass Nick Jonas, is a Yugoslavian guitar player, singer, inventor of Poop Pop Music, guitarist, cheese collector, world record holder for best hair, guitarist, and once had plastic surgery after riding a skateboard. He is the least gay out of the Jonas Brothers. His cell phone number is rumored to be 317-747-1536. He is also a national cheese collector. He is Yugoslavian. (or is he Croation?) To all those Nick lovers, he made up all that information about himself, because he thinks you're gullable.
We do not know where in the U.S. he had lived. Many people say "Oh, he's from Guam." but he's not. Guam has nothing to do with the U.S. OR Israel.
Yes, all the nice males hate this guy, but give him a little, and ONLY a little respect. All the girls could scream "Oh my god! Nick's the best!" Don't do that. That's TOO much respect. I know you can relate to that. Nick is in his closet right now, and would not come out. Reports say he has become a terrorist; a major threat.
History[edit | edit source]
Jonesy Laysing was born on July 7th, 1969 in Yugoslavia. His father, Joshua Laysing, was previously raised in Belgium. His mother, Jade Bassrato, was 15 years old when she and Josh got married. She had webbed feet. As Jonesy was being raised in Aubolt, Croatia, He renamed himself "Nick Jonas" and his parents accepted. During the Cold War, Nick was tired of the boring music played in his town. He invented pop music, which was a dance genre with a rock-like feel. About a year later, his most famous quote was "Give me Pop or give me death!" How could Nick's parents stand his atitude? Unfortunely, they don't know how.
“Although, this website is gay. Nick Jonas is the hottest guy alive. Do Not believe that he is gay. He is hotter than the sun. Even the owner of this website thinks he's hot. Thats why the owner is gay! ”
Education[edit | edit source]
“Nick was a disgrace to our school name.”
Joshua and Jade are fed up with Nick's atitude, so they shipped him to the United States. The school he went to was The Official School of Mississippi. Children were whipped when they did something bad or answered a question wrong. Later, he ditched school, nothing to worry about. Roald Dahl was one of his classmates, and he can relate to that.
His teen years were simple. Living with the wolves in Alaska, Macedonia. Want proof? He can scratch his ear with his foot. He can also fit his entire body up his own, and nobody else's, ass. He also had a strange height. He's taller than the average human, standing at 2'9 feet high, in meters. May I please note he doesn't have any testicles? He shaved them. Screw Finland!
Jonas Brothers[edit | edit source]
“Nick was the rotten apple of the barrel all along.”
“I have to say, GOD DAMN, I'm really really good!”
Nick joined the Jonas Brothers around 1985, and used the Pop genre and wrote the first ever pop song: "Love Bug". The Jonas Brothers originally started with a solo singing career for Nick, but when his brothers Kevin and Joe sang backup for him, the record producer hated their sound and all three of them. The song was so successful, that they
invented wrote another song: "SOS". He joined with two of his long lost brothers: Joe Laysing and Kevin Laysing. However, no one bought their albums. Later, They went from pop to emo. Everybody has to admit, they are awful! You see, this is why siblings shouldn't be in a band together. Especially the Laysing Jonas brothers!
Trip to Luxembourg[edit | edit source]
Fed up with being a Jonas Brother, he took a
vacation trip to Luxembourg. He bought the entire country with only $1 in the U.S. currency. (It was so small!) He did not want anyone, not even you, to know about it, so he never went there again. I'm serious!
Hollywood Life[edit | edit source]
“He's not the weakest link, he's the God of Po(o)p!”
Nick moved officially to Hollywood. He appears on Oprah in almost every one of her episodes. He tries to demonstrate to her that impossible things are possible. Oprah thinks he's nuts, but he thinks he's great.
And Nick is great. During the Kids Choice Awards 2009, host Dwayne Johnson tried to summon the Slime God. Nick was actually given the key of G. (for green.) After singing "Love Bug", a huge explosion in green slime happened at the KCA. It flooded the whole theater.
Nick stars in a TV show with Joe and Kevin. The TV show is called "Jonas". The plot of the first episode is that Nick breaks up with the band.
In 2007, ABC hosted the special "How Nick Jonas came to be". Turd Fergason interviews Nick and Nick talks the night away with the history of himself.
Yes that young boy Nick jonas, He's very good at writing lyrics.. Just listen to these lyrics.. "I never trust a dog to watch my food And I like to use to the word "dude" As a noun, or an adverb, or an adjective" GENIUS! -Sir Paul Mccartney.
Family[edit | edit source]
Wife[edit | edit source]
In 2005, Nick Jonas married Selena Gomez. They have a 38 year age difference, but they don't care. They went to McDonalds for their honeymoon, and ordered a happy meal; in the process, receiving a he-man action figure toy.. A year later, in 2006, they bought a cheap country house in the city.
Wilde Scandal[edit | edit source]
2 years after getting married with Gomez, Nick had left to Scandinavia to shoot a movie, Horton Hears a Who. Nick had immediately noticed one of the extras, Olivia Wilde. Nick had fallen in love. Although Wilde was already married to Oscar Wilde, Nick had a crazy crush on her so Nick had decided to take control. Nick had took Olivia to his hotel room. Olivia gladly went along, not knowing Nick's crazy scheme. Once they started becoming friends, Nick had started stripping Olivia.
"I went shirt first, bra, jeans, then panties" ~ Nick Jonas
Olivia thought he was playing the board game, Apples to Apples, but she was incorrect. Olivia had been raped by Nick. Nick didn't know about the cameras in the hotel suite. He also wasn't familiar with Oscar Wilde working at La Quinta Inn, where Nick was staying. Oscar had immediately called the police to arrest Nick. Nick was taken to a Mental Asylum.
When Gomez found out, she immediately bailed him out due to the fact that she was madly in love with him.
Nick had immediately lost interest in Gomez, and when Gomez found out, she became a lesbian and found a girlfriend. Of course, all of America knew, but Nick was too busy trying to make a condom with ham to listen to the news. Gomez had stayed with Nick to get half of the money he makes.
Dog[edit | edit source]
While Selena was getting used to things, Nick got a huge dog! They named him Bob, how random! He was a mutt, a mix of Black Lab, Yellow Lab, German Shepard, White German Shepard, Jack Russel Terrior, Hound Dog, and Male Poodle.Nick Jonas got this Dog because he missed Kevin Jonas. He needed something to remind him of his brother.
Hair[edit | edit source]
Nick Jonas is known for having the best hair of all time. The runner up for the best hair ever was John Travolta. If you talk about how great Nick's hair is, John Travolta would come to your house and kick you. But don't worry, he won't do anything if you talk about Chuck Norris's hair! So true. The prices for oil are getting higher and higher because he is putting it all in his hair. (literally.) Osama Bin Laden demanded Nick to stop putting all the gasoline oil through his hair, because Saudi Arabia is all desert. He was under arrest, but he ran away when the dumb Iraqi police wasn't looking.
Broke[edit | edit source]
The Jonas family got very broke after Nick fell for a Nigerian scam online. Selena got so angry at Nick that she took Nicky(Their daughter), Bob (Their dog), and her girlfriend (Demi Lovato) to move to Canada. --- Nick was so enraged that tragicly, he sold his hair on Ebay.. And then Selena also got enraged, because he sold his hair for $3. They now live a bad life in the Central African Republic.