User:Pasmorade/Horcrux

A horcrux is an object inside which a living being can conceal part of their soul. Despite being popularized by in J.K. Rowling's biopic of the boy who lived, horcruxes have been in use for millennia. Before we go into a detailed study of the horcrux, however, it is important to know what a soul exactly is, and how it can be split.

How can I split it?

There are many ways to split your soul, but we'll be going over the three most common ways that people do this.

The Internet Way

The Internet Way is by far the most common way to split your soul. Originating from wizards realizing that you can place a portion of your soul on the World Wide Web, many dark wizards, including some Death Eaters, tried and failed to learn how to use the Internet. However, in 2001, something occurred that would greatly make their efforts more feasible.

wikis

If you were an administrator in a popular wiki, you would permanently have the ability to delete pages, which technically constitutes as murder according to the spell. This caused a massive influx of administrators to be in Wikipedia, greatly contributing to the wiki's success.

Sadly, the muggle admins at Wikipedia were unaware of this, and in their elections, only a few wizards became admins. Luckily, social media made this easier. By actually contributing to the murder of innocent people, this new generation of wizards and witches were able to become influencers, populating sites such as YouTube, TikTok, Twitter X, and Instagram.

The Traditional Way

The traditional way is to kill people. Made really easy by the fact that getting away with homicide is easy as long as you are a wizard, we really don't need to make this longer.

Who have split their souls?

Voldemort with one of his horcruxes.

Many dark wizards and witches have split their souls. The most impressive horcrux user, Voldemort was able to split his soul into seven pieces easily, purely for immortality. Killing people which such ease that even Ted Bundy would be jealous, Voldemort could have made thirteen horcruxes but sadly chose to make seven because according to him, "...seven seems more natural." If he chose thirteen, maybe he wouldn't have died due to three pesky teens.

Jesus

The J-Man himself.

Jesus, the rabbi and radical philosopher, was an ardent user of horcruxes, using the Holy Grail, the script for the Bible, and the cross in which he was crucified as horcruxes. This permitted him to perform the most famous of party tricks, colloquially known as the "showing up at your friends' party when they all think your dead" schtick.

Sadly, his apostles, excluding Judas, forgot to properly preserve the script, causing the Catholic Church to make their own bible out of the biopics of the apostles. As a result, Jesus hasn't been able to do this party trick since the first century AD.

You may be wondering, how was Jesus able to make horcruxes without killing people. Easy. When he multiplied the fish to feed to those homeless people, they were technically dead due to him.

Soviet Russia

After the purges that occurred since the 1920s finally ended due to Gorbachev, the remaining Communist wankers of the USSR chose to split the Soviet Union into several nations. This may seem like a road to democracy for those nations, but in reality, a high-ranking KGB officer named Vladimir Putin used this to split his soul into those countries. However, many claim that Putin couldn't have done this since the motto of Soviet Russia, a russian reversal, forbade anyone from doing this, including Putin himself.

Michael Jackson

Michael before and after using a horcrux.

You may think that Michael Jackson's massive change in looks from the 1980s to 2000s occurred due to his vitiligo and many, many nosejobs, but you'd only be half-right. To answer the mystery of his transformation, we need to look into the middle 1980s.

After his doctor told Michael that he had vitiligo in early 1986, Michael was terrified. How would his adoring fans respond to his skin changes. The news would think he was a race hater, thinking that he was doing whiteface. And most importantly, he wouldn't be able to seduce all those children to come to his massive mansion because they'd all think he was a monster.

Out of options, Michael begged his doctor if there was anything he could do to stop it. His doctor, a muggle who had attended Hogwarts told Michael that there was a way, but it had a chance to backfire. Talking to some dude named Regulus Black, Michael was able to do the ritual to create a horcrux. However, it backfired. When Michael meant to murder the careers of lesser musicians, his unintelligible accent cause him to instead murder his remaining good looks.

Michael taught us a lesson. You have to have a perfect english accent to be able to split a soul.

Dick Cheney

This is what you get for trying to touch one of Dick's horcruxes.

Vice President Dick Cheney is the most sane living person to have created horcruxes to stave off imminent death despite having split his soul over 40 times (primarily to protect him from the eight major and 34 minor heart attacks he has suffered to date). His horcruxes include:

• His shotgun (a.k.a. "Bessie");
• Karl Rove (a.k.a. "Turdblossom");
• The ceremonial gavel used to open and close meetings of the Bilderberg Group;
• Mary Cheney's labia ring;
• The skull they make you drink out of when you join Skull and Bones (admittedly, he made it back when he thought he was going to get in -- he was totally a legacy candidate); and
• ...and a "Go fuck yourself" mug Henry Kissinger gave him as a joke.