Immortality
“Take it.. IT'S YOURS!!!”
“Killed it, tea bagged it and, raped it.”
“I did all that 2 minutes after I was born.....bitch”
“I'm bored.”
Immortality is state of eternal existence, possessed by all living beings.
NOTE: The Immortal page contains all of this information and more.
Since it is impossible to prove categorically that a living being will die, they must be assumed to be immortal, until such time as they actually do die, if indeed that ever happens. Of course if the being dies, it's impossible to prove the point to that being, who will either cease to exist (and therefore not be avaiable to receive the proof) or, still existing in some afterlife (and therefore still, technically, immortal).
Ergo, each of us must consider ourselves immortal visa ve we will never learn of our own lack of existance. Your life insurance was therefore mis-sold, and you have a case against the insurance company which sold it to you.
Conversely, it's impossible for any being OTHER than yourself to prove to you that they are immortal, since the only way they can do that is to exist forever without dying, which will take forever to do, and therefore never be completed.
Immortality should not be confused with Immorality or Oscar Wilde, which are commonly considered to be better adhesives.
Thinking you're inherently immortal (which is all lies!) is the cause of juvenile behavior among emos and new age cults. They self-destruct in the delusion that everyone is a perfect being and that moral wrongs, guilt, and death are all an illusion that will not effect you. The irony is that they believe in forgiveness (which assumes wrongs do exist) and would feel "guilty" if they didn't don't love everybody. This proves that immortality isn't inherent, but conditional (it depends if we want it).
Why do we still die? Some say it's "soul sleep, but most people think some sadist alien gods left us here to "evolve" on our own as if we were some gods of our own, but actually it was us who abandoned the Gods and we only think we're gods because the fallen Enlightened one tricked us into thinking that we are actually angels in bodies, but actually we're bodies possessed by devils! This is where people get the idea that they possess a life force or identify the consciousness as the life force. They think "my life, my rules". Heck, since they believe that they create their own reality, what "truth" is there? Algebra is red and 2 plus 2 is fish! If they can do that, what moral right to they have to defend "love" (the principle of life itself)? This is where some environmentalists go mental thinking that they can break the laws of physics. They deny that energy must have a source (God?) or else it would go against the law of inertia.
Ways to Become Immortal[edit | edit source]
- Eat a SpaghettiO.
REASON: Long noodles bring long life. Life is calculated by the integral of (x_AB) where x is the length, where the axis is rotated on 180 angle (as the arctan, c, of the diameter) in the terms of "circling the square."A is one end of the noodle, B is the other, C is between.
SpaghettiO's are circular noodles. There is one side and therefore no points. The rotational axis is even 360 degrees, placed in the center and is produced by the inversion of the range of AC and BC subtracted from the Z axis Omega minus ABC3 value. Now, the arctan of the diameter would be 0 since a circle is identical when rotated, meaning that c=0, the #diameter|lim=infinity, angle AB equals infinity and the integral of x=AB;life=x=infinity; therefore, SpaghettiO's make you immortal.
- Eat a Flinstones-themed vitamin gummy.
REASON: Flinstones-themed vitamin gummies have small traces of Uranium-235 placed inside of them along with special proteins to redirect the uranium to your vital organs. Since Uranium-235 has a half-life of 703.8 million years, and taking multiple gummies increases the half-life of each other gummy's uranium contents exponentially by its own half-life[citation needed], you'll be good to go for the next 703703703703703703703703703 million years if you pop enough of those suckers down the gullet.
- Vote Republican.
REASON: Republicans are nuclear powered (e.g. Dick Cheney...Q.E.D.).
- Eat a Republican.
REASON: Logically follows from the former two methods.
- Wreck time and space (The easiest way)
REASON: You can't die if you don't have the time to do so. Filling your schedule with a bunch of stuff should do the trick for a while but destroying the spacetime continuum does basically the same thing for way less effort.
- Piss off god (How else could Zell Miller still be alive?)
REASON: God is actually an epic troll lord and gets stronger with every negative reaction thrown his way so he'll keep you alive so long as you keep the insults coming.
- Scream I-D-D-Q-D while surrounded by man-eating zombies and demons. Doing so will turn your eyes gold and you will be completely invulnerable. You will, however still be vulnerable to tele-fragging, so do not stand in a teleporter.
REASON: Smoke enough crack and you'll understand.
- Become an Eagle Scout
REASON: At the cost of having to learn how to tie every single kind of knot known to man, you will eventually achieve ungodly powers.
- Try not to die by avoiding death at all costs
REASON: If you can't follow this one that's just a skill issue to be honest. Get better.
- Become Keanu Reeves
REASON: Common sense.