User:Gneomi/Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant

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Miss Chernobyl 1997 at her job at a local Walachia★Mart

The Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant is an annual beauty contest originated from a country in Europe called Ukraine. Since 1987, the beauty pageant, or usually referred as "Krokizevska Tev Nukizevka" in Ukrainian language is held every year in Sheffield, a small town just 15 minutes downwards from Kiev. That is by driving. The demographics shows, people usually turn up to the contest by walking, preferably with their pet dogs and cats, which will consume just around 45 minutes. Every year, citizens of Ukraine together forget their daily business such as counting chickens and attend the Miss Chernobyl contest that features the most beautiful women in all of the Ukraine.

Quite contrary to the conventional beauty pageant, such as Big Brother and The Apprentice, Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant has more competitions than ever before. Although the contestants will not receive hundreds of thousands of money, they will not feel bad because actually some people watch the show. I do. The participants endure a grueling biohazard suit contest, talent contest, and of course some speech about how much they care about world peace or whatever. Candidates get special prizes for more than the standard number of breasts. Death does not hamper a contestant's chances, as long as their body maintains a healthy green glow. The first video game based on the Pageant called "S.T.A.L.K.E.R Shadow of Chernoybl" was released in March 2007.

History[edit | edit source]

The explosion[edit | edit source]

The first Ukraine's nuclear power plant. Notice the well-designed green chimney.

In the early 1980, countries around the world are competing in every aspect they can think of, such as fatter citizens, worst-eyesight nerds, biggest panties and so forth. However probably the most recognised, yet underrated is the competition in energy quantity. Not to be confused with that little bicycle-like machine that generates electricity and blinking lights, some superpower countries were trying to defeat each other by producing energy from nuclear power plants. In a way, this is good, because then these countries can have enough power in case we are invaded by some kind of aliens. This has been reflected in many movies like Deep Impact and Armageddon so this issue is self-explanatory.

Ukraine is known for its risky plans, notably the Chernobyl power plant. If you look on the picture on the left, they have made some sort of antenna in blue on top of the some kind of green chimney. And on its left, the giant statue can be noticed. So there it is, they have not carefully placed three objects in three different colours, blue, green and red. In China, this thing is called "Feng Shui". If the power plant was in China, surely the Chinese government would have removed or recolourised the power plant.

To make it even worse, two of the mechanics at the power plant did some random experiments prior to the energy-making-competition. The first mechanic, Sagdiyev Sardine, put a chicken in the reactor, and assumed that he could start a company to compete with KFC. The second mechanic, Kournikova Sardine, put another chicken in the same reactor, a female one. The chicken then had sex and the semen was contaminated with some various hazardous substances, which resulted in a massive explosion.

The beauty pageant[edit | edit source]

And this is just the beginning.

Since the explosion that occurred on April 26, 1986, Ukrainians felt different, some felt really different. A case has been reported that many Ukrainian women had at least three breasts, some four, some even five breasts. Even some other women grew penises in their body, mostly in their chin area. Wombs grew outside of their mother's body. There are many other related cases that you would not have thought about when you first saw this article's title. It is just horrifying. The Prime Minister of Ukraine at that time once said, "People of Ukraine, you are beautiful, no matter what they say. Words can't bring us down". The Prime Minister, Fregferv Tuvlev has been known to have a deep passion with Christina Aguilera.

Two years later, in the annual Ukraine parliamentary meeting, one of the important people put his hand up high in the thick air of the parliamentary building, requesting to speak. His request was rejected, for once, then twice, then three times, for around seven times. Later that day, he put his hands again, and this time, he was allowed to speak. He said, "I love my people, they are beautiful, no matter what they say. Let's make a Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant!". Just like an orchestra, everyone in the meeting room woke up and shouted "YEAH!".

The meeting went well, although one rejection came up from a lady in the parliament, Zevanya Kulofski, pictured on the right. She did not think the beauty pageant was a good idea, since she thought she was not beautiful, no matter what they say. The parliament building went silent, that they could hear a pin dropped. It went like that for about five to six minutes. But then after Miss Kulofski died hour later, they signed the proposal of the beauty contest. No investigation was held related to her death.

Competitions[edit | edit source]

Every year, women from all around Ukraine gather to finish four challenging competitions.

Lucky draw contest[edit | edit source]

Before the real grand finale beauty contest begins, firstly the judges, and the contest's crews need to select 50 lucky women, preferably young female in Ukraine, to keep the rating high. The beauty pageant usually kicks off in early March, to remember the incident that happened 21 years ago, the Chernobyl incident. Most of the time, the contest will receive no less than 6,000 letters each year, in which 4,000 of them are complaint and SPAM letters. As a result, only 2,000 of them are real letters. These letters are then gathered in a huge football field in downtown Kiev, where all people can see the lucky draw. From those thousands of letters, only fifty women will be selected to go to the next round, which is the biohazard suit contest.

Throughout the history, this is probably the most important, yet horrifying stage of the contest. In every letter, there are three passport-sized photos of the contestant, which includes them in a bikini, in a suit and naked. The letter also contains some personal details like name, alternate names, date of birth, date of death, amount of radioactivity and so forth.

Biohazard suit contest[edit | edit source]

A contestant from west Kiev in a fluorescent biohazard suit.

Physical shape is also an important part of Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant. And maybe this is the most important part, although all other stages are important too. But really, what makes this contest different is the physical shape of the contestants, which makes this stage is the most crucial one.

So after the first stage, the contestant will try to dress in a biohazard suit in their favourite colours and models. They then will walk on stage in front of hundreds of millions viewers in various seductive poses, just like the one showed on the left.

The contest is not as easy as it looks, because it looks very easy to just put the suit on and walk on stage. However in Ukraine, most people have three legs and four arms, two in which positioned across the chest. Therefore it is a bit hard to put these suits on. In most cases, one contestant would need up to five crews to help her to put the suit on, and keep the suit in that shape for two hours.

Another challenge of this stage is that the contestants must do yoga while holding twenty computer nerds.

Talent contest[edit | edit source]

After the biohazard suit competition, there would be only twenty contestants left. And the contest is heading towards the most exciting stage, which is the talent contest. In this stage, contestants are given free choices of talent they would like to display. It could be vary from counting frog's eggs to editing Wikipedia, or even vandalising Wikipedia. Note than the selection of the talent greatly affects the scores, since the level of difficulties between one another can be very different. Vandalising Wikipedia would surely be much harder than editing Wikipedia. Throughout the year, it has been recognised that having sex with one eye closed is not a talent whatsoever.

The judges will select five contestants from this stage, and they will head to the next stage, the Jerry Springer stage.

Interview with Jerry Springer[edit | edit source]

Jerry Springer with two Ukrainian youngsters.

The final stage of the beauty pageant is an interview with Jerry Springer. Since there are still five contestants left, the viewers then must watch all five interviews since Springer has created a some-sort of device that will force the audience to watch all of them. This stage will also determine who will be the next Miss Chernobyl, and Springer will put the crown right after the fifth interview, so it is all up to Jerry Springer.

Firstly each contestant will have her own interview in person with Springer. Here they will talk about normal stuff such as world peace, nuclear power plant, complete episode of Heroes, the future of Family Guy and the reunion of Guns N' Roses. After five common interviews, all of the contestants will be gathered together in a large couch with Springer on a different chair. He then started to read out the quotes that the contestants have made about other contestants. As a result, usually one contestant will stand up and start fighting the the contestant next to her. At this point, the contestant closest to Springer will start ripping her dress off, showing her five large tits. Chaos in the studio. Once again Springer has saved the day.

Finally, after about half an hour of madness, everyone goes back to their own changing room and waits for the final result.

Previous winners[edit | edit source]

The first Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant was held in 1988. If it is year 2007, then there have been 19 beauty pageants. Below is the list of winners of each pageant.

Urban legend[edit | edit source]

See also[edit | edit source]

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