Catherine the Great

Catherine loves horses, too bad about her legs, though.

This article is about the Russian prodigy. For Catherine with the Great Badonkadonk, see Catherine Zeta Jones.

“Promiscuous. P-R-O-M-I-S-C-U-O-U-S. Promiscuous.”

~ Catherine the Great on Oscar Wilde

Cathy Jones or Catherine the Great (born November 6, 1998) is the current "Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion of the World" and the Future Skills Academy "Home School Student of the Year" two years running, chosen by George Payne. Catherine also was the first woman Pope, Sloth, Sean Whipper, Pig Murderer as well as being the first person to fall off a 3 meter high fence and has amazing volleyball serving "sound effects". Catherine is so great that when she was 3 months old she got pregnant with her first child, naming it Ray. After her most favourite teacher in the whole world. Who also, sorry sean, happened to be the father.

Early life

Catherine age 4, shows great aptitude for finger painting.

Cathy was born in Moscow, Texas in a small farmhouse built over a dormant Indian burial ground. She attends school on the weekdays and likes to sleep in until 7:30 AM on the weekends. Fond of Sunny Delight, Cathy has been known to shrewdly trade half a box of animal crackers for an entire eight ounces of unopened Sunny D. She has soundly bested her older brother Rickie in every academic class; including recess where she once scored the only recorded ‘cherry bomb peppermint stick triple double’ in four square history.

Catherine the 'Okay'

At birth when discovered Catherine was not a boy she was simply called Catherine the 'Okay'. Only later was her superiority to Rickie discovered. Catherine was awarded the sobriquet of 'Great' after successfully explaining and demonstrating her mother's cervical cap to her second grade class.

Russo-Turkish Spelling Wars

Catherine made the Jones Academy second grade class the supreme force in academia by the Spring of 2006. She singlehandedly smashed the Ottoman High School Killer Bee's All-American team at the Crimean Spellathon with the word 'kamikaze'. Cathy then dethroned Elizabeth Regina Simpkins of Essex Middle School with the word 'sarcophagus'.

Teenage years

Cathy is expected to graduate from Jones Academy, and then attend Oral Roberts University in Tulsa. This should keep Catherine celibate until marriage or death, whichever comes first.

Married life

Like so many from her background, Catherine is expected to marry a well-to-do white Christian male horse. While her mother and stepfather laugh off any suggestion that she is anywhere near marriage, they have met in their personal Star Chamber to discuss ways of inviting a union between their daughter and James Warwick Earl, of nearby Stuart Estates. Catherine, however, seems to prefer a Mister Ed.

Death

When Catherine began her regular daily routine of fornicating with ponies in the stables, she accidentally aroused a large horse, which immediately mounted her, crushing her to death. After the horse had finished, it was shot and mounted (not in a dirty way) in a Russian musuem, right on top of a wax figurine of Ivan the Terrible. Her story is regularly reenacted on many, many websites and every Friday night in Tijuana, Mexico.

In Heaven Catherine plans to rendezvous with her dead cat Punkin as soon as possible. She also intends to interview God on the Platypus (A word from her first national spelling bee appearance) and hopes that he can clear that one up for her.

Catherine is the sole member of Brownie Troop 666.

Catherine's Mom on Catherine

Catherine is wonderful to have in class. Unlike her brother Rickie who is preoccupied with wearing his superfriends underoos. Catherine prefers the crust cut off of her PB&J sandwiches, and my baby gets whatever she wants. Last week I even let her outside to play in the back yard for a few minutes, then it became overcast and she had to come back in where it’s safe. Catherine loves to spend hours by the window of her room looking out at the sky. And when I catch her doing that it’s back into the basement with her, or the leather box as I like to call it. That reminds me I think it’s time for Catherine’s V8 bath.

Rickie on Catherine

Say uncle!! Say uncle and I will let you up!!! Rickie lets Cathy go. The other day I asked Cathy to spell Gonorrhea, and she actually did it! Kids, they grow up so fast. Class is boring, who wants to go to school with their mom and sister? They can both kiss my a-s-s.

Adelaide on Catherine

Bless her soul. Catherine needs to start asking for forgiveness now, if she ever wants to go to heaven.

Cathy’s Dad on Catherine

What? She's a spoilt little brat, who needs to be more respectful. Now watch out, I need to go find me my fourth wife.

Everyone else on Catherine

She was a stuck-up little jerk. I peed in her Bundaberg Ginger Beer one time. She drank it all. It was a personal victory for all of us. I will swan her one day.

Enemies of Catherine

• Dan Quayle
• True Love
• Stewie Griffin

Oppressive Russian Stuff

Mother Russia	People – Language – Moscow – Siberia – Russian Ocean – Russian Empire
Soviet Union	Soviet Union (Mathematics) – Ukraine – Belarus – Soviet Britain – Russian America – New USSR – Russian reversal (joke)
Famous Figures	Vyacheslav Molotov – Nikola Šećeroski – Vladimir Putin – Yakov Smirnoff – Fyodor Dostoyevsky – Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky – Yogi Berra – Anna Kournikova – Igor Stravinsky – Ayn Rand – t.A.T.u.
Major Events	Russian Revolution – Battle of Kursk – Chernobyl – Яussian Яevolution of 1917 – 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse – Laika: the first dog in space - American Invasion - Russian Invasion
Climate	Winter – Deepest darkest winter
Shady Organization	Order of the Communist Pear – Soviet Space Program
Russian Culture	Communism – Grammar Communism – Gulag – Molotov cocktail – lɒƨɿɘvɘЯ nɒiƨƨυЯ – Russian double reversal – Cowmunism – Battleship Potemkin
Russian Cuisine	Cabbage – Famine – Vodka – Novichok