Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Archives/08-14
Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost Labyrinth Mattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.
It shuld be no surprise that the page has been mercilessly trolled with other complete joke nominations including The Chief of AIDS and The Zombie of AIDS.
If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!VFH smells
By Frosty
This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.[This Can't Be True]
You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.
Biopic
This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.
If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).
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From The Logs
- 16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)
- 11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)
- 09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)
Top VFH Competitors
- Rape (11/0)
- What's-his-name off that thing (10/0)
- F4 (10/0)
VFH Highlight Of The Week You Are Gay (14/0)
From The Forums
UnSignpost News Frosty thinks all the other administrators are highly useless. Yeah, sorry guys but you are.
Quote(s) of the Week {{{quote}}}
Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."
No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".
Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.Forum dramaz
By Frosty
Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.
But drama can be entertaining when coupled with cheap scotch and buttered popcorn to the humble obverser. But mainly it's bad, so stop it. No matter how funny you think your drama mongering will never compete with Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter... ...and the sequel rest of the trilogy.
Biopic
This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of winning losing.
He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...
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From The Logs
- 11:50, 6 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.115.32 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (You are the weakest Chink. Goodbye.)
- 06:40, 6 August 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked XReaper (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Horse dick)
- 06:14, 5 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.116.97 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Enjoy this beefy cock.)
Top VFH Competitors
- Rape (12/1)
- F4 (11/0)
- Jared Leto (10/0)
VFH Highlight Of The Week What's-his-name off that thing (12/0)
From The Forums
UnSignpost News Confucius say "Shut the fuck up and edit an article".
Quote(s) of the Week {{{quote}}}
It was dark times being without Uncyclopedia. Maybe if I got out of the dark and went outside once in while it would be less dark. But you know, lazy me.
I plan to visit Uncyclopedia and do my 'thang (wink wink) at least once a week. But I hold no promises because you can't trust me. I'm a hoe and 3!OH!3 told you to NOT TRUST HOES.
However, I'm sure you guys found out why I was absent from the site for a good 200 years 4+ months and it was because my old laptop KOed and I finally got a new one for school.
So that means I won't be uploading images of Madiq. (pictured)...
I missed you, just kidding, but really. However, I didn't forget you, maybe sometimes,
Is this a haiku or something? My grammar sucks too.New admins for you!
By Sir Peasewhizz
Beware everyone, as a result of this there is now an additional 8 new sysops/administrators. They all expect BJS and prizes.
Kip the Dip
Leverage
Supergeeky1
Banzaikitten
Mr-ex777
Colin "All your base" Heaney
Lost Labyrinth
Cat the Colourful
They expect sacrifices. So chop, chop. Make haste.
Biopic
This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...
They were nice. And that is it for today's Biopic. What the fuck did you expect? A fucking biography on the Borgia family?
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From The Logs
- 05:37, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Frosty (talk | contribs) (I felt bad ;_;)
- 05:36, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Adminning while drunk)
- 05:35, August 13, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) resurrected Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs)
Top VFH Competitors
- Humans (12/0)
- F4 (13/0)
- HowTo:Cure homosexuality (11/0)
VFH Highlight Of The Week UnBooks:Holmes On Homes (16/0)
From The Forums
UnSignpost News This just in: Don't hit your children.
Quote(s) of the Week {{{quote}}}
By Banzaikitten
Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.
But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.RAHBs Sexuality
By Banzaikitten
I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.
Shame on you
By the curate
As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.
| “ | Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you! | ” |
These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.
Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!
Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work!
Biopic
bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.
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From The Logs
- 15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)
- 15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)
- 05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)
Top VFH Competitors
- Humans (12/1)
- UnDebate:What does the fox say? (13/2)
- Jared Leto (11/0)
VFH Highlight Of The Week F4 (13/0)
From The Forums
UnSignpost News
Quote(s) of the Week {{{quote}}}