Tel Aviv
Nominated ArticleTEL AVIV, my love, TEL AVIV! Look around at the many attractive homosexual guys, friendly waving at you and fantasizing about sodomizing your black ass at night. And God bless TEL AVIV.
Politics[edit | edit source]
| Tel Aviv | |
|---|---|
| City | |
 | |
| Nickname(s): Sin City | |
| Motto: Bada Binge! | |
| Civic anthem: "Tel Aviv" | |
| Official language(s) |
|
| State | Middle East |
| Government | |
| Mayor | Omer Adam |
| Established | 1909 |
| Re-Established | 2025 |
| Opening hours | Never sleeps |
Tel Aviv (TLV) is the self-proclaimed "the city that never sleeps" of Israel, and the United Nations-proclaimed capital of Israel. Just like the state of Palestine, which doesn't really want to be a state, the residents of Tel Aviv don't really want to be the capital city. They just know that if they ever become the capital city, they would be required to host the parliament. Since they hate politics, the residents of Tel Aviv (and the Palestinian people) prefer to be just a regular city that hosts the Eurovision now and then. That way, the Palestinians won't have to manufacture their own electricity or work places, and come to work in Tel Aviv like always.
But then the 9/11 of Israel happened, and no Palestinians are allowed in Israel anymore. They just shut down a big fancy restaurant for hiring illegal Palestinians yesterday. So now all the world is declaring that Palestine is a state, but they would never give them any electricity or work places. They still need Israel for that. And Jerusalem will continue to host the parliament of Israel and the Republican crusades.
Tel Aviv also has scooter-politics. There are special roads for scooters everywhere in the city, but everyone is forced to pretend that they're not even there, and stay alive at the same time. The pictures of this article, the tip, and the YouTube video are demonstrating just how annoying those scooters are to the regular residents. Just like Hamas is to regular Palestinians.
Food[edit | edit source]
The food of Tel Aviv is mostly hummus, which is what Jesus-murdering Jews used to eat while planning the murder of Jesus. Hummus is a food from the Arab parts of the world, and when Israelis established Israel in 1948, they immediately fell in love with it. Nowadays, every Republican thinks that hummus is the national food of the Jews. But since no new foods were invented after 1948 except eggplant ice cream, there's no official Israeli food.
Also, since Hamas sounds very similar to hummus, stupid Republicans think they're the same thing. But hummus is a popular paste for spreading on bread, while Hamas is a nearly extinct terrorist organization. So those idiotic Republicans keep saying the words "hummus" and "Jews" over and over again in the same sentences, so that Trump voters think that Jews are terrorists that murder innocent Republicans. But the truth is Jesus used to love hummus.
Tel Aviv is also known in Israel as the primary source for food for the soul, namely music. The biggest Israeli band ever is called Monica Sex (no relation to American politics). They were established in Tel Aviv and more-or-less all of their songs are about this city. They also avoid politics in their lyrics, which is a very Tel Aviv thing to do. Monica (the common short name for Monica Sex) plays Israeli music, which is very different from the YouTube song I posted before. There are two major music genres in Israel: oriental and rock. The best songs are created when the lines begin to blur between the two (like Faith No More's "Mouth to Mouth").
Most Palestinians want to work in Tel Aviv clubs and see Monica for free. They would only agree to declare their own state if Monica agrees to perform in Gaza from time to time. But no Uncyclopedia-avoiding Republican would ever have a chance to know that fact.
Celebrities[edit | edit source]
- See also: RuPaul (sic)
Tarantino used to reside in Tel Aviv, but it's not the case at the moment, I guess. It's a very big issue in Israel if Tarantino lives in Israel or not, for some reason. All the monicot (= Monicas = members of Monica Sex) are long-time Tel Aviv celebrities. Palestine is basically the Cuba of Israel, and Tel Aviv the Miami (even though they would like to be the NYC but is too sandy for that) so it's basically Palestine with some rock shows and less Hamas-lovin' Republican crusaders. So no Ye either.
Hot spots[edit | edit source]
Tel Aviv's Uncyclopedia template is one of the hottest spots in the city. It's located in the East Side of the White City neighborhood, a.k.a. the Newly Rewritten Tel Aviv Uncyclopedia Article, and is heavily inspired by Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
Other Tel Aviv hotspots include:
- Barby TLV The Bada Bing! of Tel Aviv,[1] where each April 1 you get a Keren Peles live show, and the rest of the time Satyricon, some Monica Sex-wannabe bands, and sometimes Monica itself
- The beach
- Central Pork The Friends-themed coffee place. It's located within the Eincyclopedia website and sometimes referred to as "Expresso Bar".
- Gazino City in Gaza The upcoming casino district of Donald Trump in the Middle East (it's more like a Tel Aviv suburb)
- The other beach (a.k.a. "Herzeliya")
- Expo Tel Aviv A huge place for events. Doesn't usually use the abbreviation "TLV" like Barby TLV, so is considered less cool. Hosted Eurovision 2019 (with Madonna), which is the best Eurovision of all time according to Instagram.
- ↑ If it were run by Adriana.
Further vocals[edit | edit source]
Tel Aviv is always very vocal about the subject of a Palestinian state, which makes the other Israeli cities very angry.
