Talk:Israel

WARNING! This page contains profuse whining. Proceed with caution.

YES THEY SMELL READ BAD.

Comment

Does it have to filled with so much hate to be funny? I don't think anyone finds that very amusing, just pathetic... Remove the hate stuff, keep Elvis. Elvis is all about the lovin' :-) David Igra

Ok guys, Remember this is about being funny,Not political sentiments. Remember that people will think your a bunch of tasteless and ihumorous bastards if you vandalize articles with actual politics. --206.223.233.60 18:17, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

Elvis=Funny

You never know what's going to make you lose it on Uncyclopedia. I'm in bed next to my wife who is falling asleep, I read up to where it shows Elvis's Hebrew name, and I just fucking lost it-- giggled so hard my wife started yelling at me for shaking the bed. 207.237.129.183 01:58, 12 May 2007 (UTC)

WHAT A BUNCH OF PUZTES AND SCHMUCKS.....DONT YOU REALISE YOU JUST BLEW YOUR CHANCES OF A MORTGAGE!!! WHAT'S YOUR BANK MANAGER'S NAME.....HAHAHAHAAHAHA Rabbi Chaim Locheim Mazzel Tov

The barbed-wire Israeli flag compares Israel to the Nazis. Needless to say, this can be interpreted as being quite offensive. 72.227.153.206 04:54, 31 August 2006 (UTC)

FUCK!!!! This is TERRIBLE!!! It's QUITE OFFENSIVE! Call the POLICE! Do SOMETHING!!! Before PEOPLE GET OFFENDED!!! Sir Famine, Gun ♣ Petition » 23:16, 31 August 2006 (UTC)

Famine, I'm extremly offended by your remark. Please, do it again. -- Brigadier Sir Mordillo GUN UotY WotM FP UotM AotM MI³ AnotM VFH +S 11:43, 1 September 2006 (UTC)

I am a bit disappointed by the de-emphasis of Vin Diesel. --George guy 02:51, 15 December 2006 (UTC)

LOL, I live in Israel and find it the second most funny article in Uncyclopedia, right after HowTo Learn:Hebrew article. keep on the good work! ^,^ there are some lines here that just made me fall on the floor laughing! XD

YEA!

This is the Greatest article i have read! Go and die all you Israeli's, welcome to the real world, this is what everyone else thinks of you! Comapares to the nazi's, you twats are fucking nazi's!

I absolutely agree. Apparently we are no longer allowed to edit this article to outline the irony of Israel!!

YEAH WE ALL ARE! NOW GET ON THE TRAIN! -- Brigadier Sir Mordillo GUN UotY WotM FP UotM AotM MI³ AnotM VFH +S 20:43, 2 October 2006 (UTC)

Damn right: no blanking. This is a vital part of the article. It creates athmosphere. --Medvedev ^(scream) 16:38, 29 October 2006 (UTC)

I'm an Israeli and I eat Muslims for lunch.

I'm a Muslim and I eat Israelis for lunch.

If the Israelis were real Nazis, Gaza would be a glass parking lot ten years ago.--George guy 07:23, 16 December 2006 (UTC)

That's 'cause ze stinking juden don't have the guts to pass on the gass. --Megus 13:57, 16 December 2006 (UTC)

That's cuz we are human, unlike u arab and nazi dogs.

OK, enough is enough. This page is going for QVFD. Brigadier Sir Mordillo GUN UotY WotM FP UotM AotM MI³ AnotM VFH +S 11:52, 27 December 2006 (UTC)

Israelis eat Muslims for lunch? I thought they ate Christians, not Muslims? Oh right, the liars spreading the Wikipedia:blood libel have changed, my bad Rickyrab 20:28, 25 October 2007 (UTC)

fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim fuk antisemetizim

wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum wat means antismtisum i expect an answer from an israeli no wait,do israelis even hav internet or jus use american satelites;my point usa-ians worship isreal-ics86.96.228.86 16:15, 12 January 2009 (UTC) Yeah! Israel beats the Arabs again! Wooo Wow, now that's a catchy tune. Taz is sooo last century... --Medvedev ^(scream) 19:14, 5 February 2007 (UTC)

I think this evens the balance compared with the wikipedia page about Israel lets not pretend that Israel is a nice place to live. I don't hate Israelis because their Jewish either! as hard as that might be to believe...

Israel is an amazing place to live

Indeed.

Yes it is true.

No doubt.

I agree

You have my sword

And you have my bow

And my axe

I hate this article

It makes a flame burn in my heart because of its reference of an oppressed nation being a part of it. Israeli Defence Force occupies Palestine, steals their olive trees on which they live off of, occupies their nation in which mothers and their babies and children live in fear of a bomb on their heads, or their home bulldozed. Please lighten this up. This reminds me too much of oppression and basically liiving destitutely in a 360km² jail cell. —Ionas Dalton Freeman 03:38, 30 December 2007 (UTC)

none of that is true, only a year ago the Hizballa attacked Israel and we had to fear a missile falling on our heads. five years ago, going into the bus was a gamble because some arab could blow himself up with the rest of the bus. even today, the city "sedrot" is being attacked daily. the Israely army is trying to stop the constant bombing on its citizens heads.

we are trying to help the arabs build a country but they refuse to help us help them. there is a civil war in their lands between the "hamas" and the "fatach" and people there are being killed by their own leader all the time.

Those pesky palestinians and their requests for the return of their houses, villages,farms,roads,sons,water and country. Who do they think they are ? ⦿⨦⨀ phrage 07:39, August 22, 2010 (UTC)

no matter how much we suffer from their terrorism we still send money,water,food, and health care. and in exchange they send us missiles and suicide bombers.

79.178.15.128 11:47, 30 May 2008 (UTC)`

Wikipedia is the address for this speech. ~ 16:12, 5 February 2009 (UTC)

You guys SEND money water food and health care????!!!! That's a f***ing joke right? Just a couple months ago I saw a lot of news reports from the AP and PRESS that told of how Israel is blocking anything from anywhere being sent in and out of palestine lands. They had to go to f***ing Egypt to buy food. Don't try and spread lies to make everyone feel bad for the "poor Israelis". Taking a bus is a gamble for Israelis but going in the street is a death wish for losing limbs in Palestine.

And of course, everything that AP says is true. Remind me, when was the last time you visited or rather lived in the Middle East? Hmmm? Yes? ~ 07:23, 4 July 2008 (UTC)

I go there more than 12 times a year. and i was born in the middle east. My job requires talking to politicians in the middle east. and i help with the peacekeeping in the middle east. Fine, dont trust AP.

Well, let me see, I was born there, I lived there for most of my life, I was an officer in the IDF for six years, I have two degrees in Middle Eastern studies and Counter Terrorism, so yes, I won't be trusting AP if you don't mind. ~ 21:29, 17 July 2008 (UTC)

You dont have to look at AP or PRESS. Its good that you know so much. Do you disagree with my statement? If you really, REALLY, look closely while in the Middle East isn't what I say true? For every 2 Israelis killed there're 20 Palestinians killed. The UN doesn't like Israel. The international community deep down doesn't like Israel. And you know that if Israel lost the US's support, you wouldn't exist. I'm not antisemitic. I'm anti-zionism, anti-Israel. If Palestine and Israel were united with a fair government that helped them both, I'd be f***ing stupid to hate Israel. Sadly that's not the case, is it? And Palestine is to blame as well. When there is peace and some diplomacy starts again, some damn terrorists send in suicide bombers or rockets, screwing up the peace process. The palestinian government is not angelic either, they have their own agenda which doesn't really contribute to understanding and peace. You can't have a fight with only one side. All wars involve more than one party. However, Israel is also at fault and don't deny that. I take that you're Israeli, I don't expect you to believe me, but take a closer look, and you might be surprised to see that your government is not perfect.

I never said they were perfect, far from it. I said that the truth is quite far away from statements such as "you weren't exist was it not for the USA" or "are you fucking kidding me about the food deliveries". These are very far from the truth. And I don't need to look better, unlike you I live it, each and every day. But this is not the place to discuss it, if you wish, you're welcome to come to my talk page. ~ 16:41, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

Are you a bot/sock puppet? You're real account is called codeine? And you're british according to codeine's page. If that's even you. Hmm. Interesting...

God, how I'm tired trying to explain a joke. here is my page which is linked from my so called bot one. ~ 11:23, 20 July 2008 (UTC)

I believe it is a joke and not by shear stupidity that you consider "the land of Palestine" anything other than just a name for the people who live there. Open up a map and show me where Palestine is? YOU CANT TO IT! They have never had their own lands and even when they were given some to live in it was by Israel... before Israel was formed it was land owned by the British Empire and the break up of the ottoman empire. Further proof that the only one who wants peace is the fact that since the "ceasefire" Hamas led palestinians have launched over 300 Quasams (rockets) into Israeli territory and Israel is trying to please the rest of the world which seems to be against them by taking it, They did this before from 2005 until Dec 2008 when over 5,000 rockets were launched in the intention of causing fear and unrest in southern Israel. The Hamas doctrine which was established in the 1980's states that all documents of peace or treaties are invalid and have no meaning. They pledge that their intentions are the obliteration of Israel and the murder of ALL jews, followed by a formation of a Islamic Theocracy. They are fully supported by funds by Iran and Syria in their "secret" war with Israel. Before the Hamas they funded the Hizballah and the Fatah, as well as other Arab-Palestinian Terrorist organizations. They call themselves "liberation forces" to make it sound like they are a revolutionary group for their people but the sound of Destroying Israel is no liberation its, and I hate this word but.. Genocide. The deliberate and systematic destruction, in whole or in part, of an ethnic, racial, religious, or national group. -BOOM (John Madden)

Genocide is killing shitloads of innocent arabs and hoping the mindless terrorists were between them. Get over it, the Islam page is even worse. The ownership of the "Holy Land", a Jewish state and a democracy. Israel can only have two of these.. the other will automatically be eliminated.

If you took a look at the actual history, proven by internationally recognized documents and archaeological evidence found by Turkish (yeah, Muslim) archaeologists, you would see that not only is the Jewish claim to the State of Israel historic, but legal. Several full contracts in the Old Testament have been found archaeologically. If you think that Israel hasn't tried to find a peaceful solution with the Palestinians, try looking at all of the resolutions and proposals for a two-state solution. Each time the Palestinian governments say that they want all of Israel or none of it. Look at the facts, and I understand that this is meant to be humorous, but humor is always grounded in truth, and this article is COMPLETELY FALSIFIED. I take this article as extremely offensive. Believe me, I am VERY self-deprecating, but this is HATE SPEECH! Please try to not offend 30% of the world's Nobel Prize Winners, 65% of the world's College Professors, and 83% of the world's magnanimous figures. --- Ra'ayah Ligal, Israeli and American Dual Citizen

Instead of making pompous declarations, how about you put some effort into it and try to rewrite the document? ~ 08:53, October 12, 2010 (UTC)

My Suggestions for a new Israeli Flag

Hello everyone!
I have made three flags which i'm puting them here for your vote:

• 

  1. An Israeli flag with the word "Chai"

• 

  2. An Israeli flag with the Dome of the Rock

• 

  3. An Israeli flag with the Jewish Hat - The Shtreimel

• 

  4. An Israeli flag with the famous Falafel in the middle

• The Voting will be held for a period of a month untill march 14th, and The flag that will recieve the most votes will be placed instead of the current flag.
  
• Please vote for your favourite flag!
  

Oren neu dag 19:53, 14 February 2008 (UTC)

If by the 14th of May 2008 there will be No voting. the decision to replace the current flag with one of the contenders will be left for me do decide. --Oren neu dag 19:14, 5 March 2008 (UTC)

I Have Decided - The new flag in the article is "Israeli Falafel Flag.svg"!!. --Oren neu dag 17:28, 18 March 2008 (UTC)

You do know that your decisions are null and void, schmendrik. :) ~ 23:00, 18 March 2008 (UTC)

I gave ppl a Month to vote on the flag, and since nobody wanted to participate, the decision was left for me. --Oren neu dag 10:22, 19 March 2008 (UTC)

I know, I just wanted to use the word Schmendrik is all! ~ 13:24, 6 April 2008 (UTC)

The best flag would be an israeli flag with an eyepatch in the middle.--81.166.88.105 20:21, 24 June 2008 (UTC)

actually

"kadima" means forward, not straight... RaymondAK-47 16:46, 7 June 2008 (UTC)

So you are saying they are all fags? -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

We are all, in fact, fags. Can I have your number? ~ 17:28, 7 June 2008 (UTC)

Anything for you, big boy. -- Sir Mhaille  (talk to me)

Are there any heterosexual administrators at Uncyclopedia? MrN 21:35, Jul 17

Where's the fun in that? Unsolicited conversation Extravagant beauty PEEING 16:44, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

Girls just wanna have fun--Sycamore (Talk) 16:46, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

Dudes, just make two Israel articles: one that is blatantly pro-israel propaganda, and another that is anti-Israel, complete with Holocaust denial.

I don't see what the problem is

It's just an article. It's not like the stuff on Islam is any less hateful. xD Uncyclopedia is funny, but it's hateful. --Konewka

I'm sorry, but if you're not israli or jewish, you simply cannot write this:

" Anti-Israeli We don't support the zionist occupation of Palestine!

Anti-Israel Wipe It Off The Map!

Anti-Semite Drive Them Into The Sea! (See Also: Anti-Semitism) "

National fighting style

Should it be noted that Israel's national fighting style is Jew jitsu?

Only if it is also noted that its chief rival is Krave 'Hot Magmaminous Kock. developed by notorious IDF Sergeant and heavy metal Lesbian Lemme Lickthenfeel in lonely desert patrol tents grappling with her inner slut.-- ⦿⨦⨀ Phrage (talk) 09:33, August 25, 2010 (UTC)

and that Brooklyn's is Jew Doh!

but lesbe serious just for a moment: Israel's fighting style (this season anyway) is actually -Urban Chic with Bulldozers and a sprinkling of phosphorus and spent uranium for lasting make-up effects. Hamas simply die for it .-- ⦿⨦⨀ Phrage (talk) 09:21, August 25, 2010 (UTC)

keep going on, losers/

it's pathetic of you to think that posting angry articles on the internt would actually change somthing. we are here, and we are determined to accomplish the zionist vision, and no one can stop as. you already tried, and you failed

Mystery Poster please help:I think I might have "ZIONIST VISION" but I am not very accomplished -should I see an optician,a Rabbi, or a psychoanalyst ? i think you swallowed two of your es- do they not fill you with love or somthing on the internt-- ⦿⨦⨀ Phrage (talk) 09:38, August 25, 2010 (UTC)

Damn Jews...no sense of humour. Rabbi Techno kvetch Contribs FOXES 16:19, December 5, 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, and those fucking Zionists are the worst of the Jews. ~ 17:06, December 5, 2009 (UTC)

They killed Jesus - did you hear about that? Rabbi Techno kvetch Contribs FOXES 17:08, December 5, 2009 (UTC)

Is that Jesus Levinstein? That nice boy down the street?! ~ 17:21, December 5, 2009 (UTC)

WOW I JUST REALIZED I'M JEWISH

WOW SHUT THE FUCK UP —Paizuri MUN ♦ Talkpage ♦ My Contributions ♦ 02:12, December 26, 2009 (UTC)

What sense of humor are you talking about ? how can someone call himself a killer?

Call yourself a killer ? I bet your eyes are as red as your ink. just put your lips together and blow the other guy away like you always do  ! killer blow job ! sorted! Anybody seen the Omid Djallili movie "the Infidel"?-- ⦿⨦⨀ Phrage (talk) 09:07, August 25, 2010 (UTC)

Thank you all for asking about my eyes (see above then left, no wait, right, no, left, actually look down to the ground cocaine ) Who knew that Zionist Fiends could be so caring? I opted for the optician(a nice jewish boy, naturlich ) and he prescribed a two state solution-to be applied immediately.-- ⦿⨦⨀ Phrage (talk) 09:52, August 25, 2010 (UTC)

great stuff

The Funniest Piece I have yet come across on Uncyclops. Who knew that Zionist swine could be so witty and self deprecating yet tender and considerate when circumstances demanded it, even in the face of UN resolutions ?.

Is -George guy gone from Uncyclopedia ? There seem to be no bits from him since 2007.-- ⦿⨦⨀ Phrage (talk) 09:07, August 25, 2010 (UTC)

why is the template fucked up?

huh!? RaymondAK-47 07:25, August 24, 2011 (UTC)

Page written by jews

PAge is written by jews. It sucks. Whiel articles about France, USA, Saudi Arabia etc are damn funny, this one sucks.

I am gonna start a major edit soon.

New COA for Israel

Israel is now Pfizerland! Feel free to use:

Na'al (talk) 06:29, 20 September 2021 (UTC)

Thank you Na'al, that's beautiful, I'm putting it in there. At least until COVID is dead because I love the current one. ~ Kakun · talk 04:53, 21 September 2021 (UTC)

New flag for Israel

Israel - The state of Beynonizem, Which is equal to the P.M. Yahir Lapid(iot), Which is the presenter of Channel 2 / 12. So Israel is the State of Channel 12 (or Channel 12, the State of Israel):

Na'al (talk) 17:09, 22 September 2022 (UTC)

I'm not sure people will understand what the "12" stands for. Let me think about this a while. ~ Kakun · talk 23:03, 22 September 2022 (UTC)

At first, I wanted Shlomo Artzi in the middle, but then I came up with that (photograph of Shlomo artzi in the middle of svg... complicated) Na'al (talk) 16:35, 23 September 2022 (UTC)

IMPORTANT NEWS

The ongoing violence in the Gaza Strip, which has resulted in the deaths of Palestinians, is a direct consequence of Israel's unrelenting pursuit of land and power at the expense of the indigenous Palestinian population. This brutal campaign, driven by a white supremacist ideology, has left countless innocent men, women, and children dead or injured. The international community must hold Israel accountable for its actions and work towards a just and peaceful socialist resolution that respects the human rights and dignity of all people in the region. – Preceding unsigned comment added by 51.15.82.67 (talk • contribs)