Scatomancy
As you are doubtlessly well aware, gypsies have been reading tea leaves for years with amazingly accurate results. Much like the reading of tea leaves, scatomancy studies the size, arrangement, colour, and interaction of bowel movements in the toilet bowl to predict secrets of the future, and give guidance to major life decisions. Now, through the marvels of technology, you can brush up on your ancient clairvoyant skills in the privacy of your very own commode! What will happen today? Is romance just around the corner? Will I get that promotion? All of these answers can truly come from 'within yourself'.
Divination with King Richard III
In the past, seers would attempt to peer into the future by means of lots of methods. Some of the most popular methods would involve Cleromancy: the scattering of objects, such as dice, or rocks, and interpreting the results according to set principles. Scryomancy denotes divination by means of a bowl. Scatomancy, in this sense, is a form of scryomancy, for it also makes use of a bowl. Interestingly enough, both medical doctors, who we know have nothing to do with divination, as well as psychics, perform scatoscopies. Funny how you never see old pikey women preaching scatology at the fair - and you wouldn't want to cross their palm with silver afterwards either! You might want to cross the road though. Despite the smell, however, poo divination is quite worth exploring. The texture, density, consistency, the shape, the letters or symbols it creates with its contours... all of these are interesting facets to your (hopefully) healthy daily shitting ritual.
| “ | Ask a question, get an answer. Riddles of the cosmic dancer... All explained by way of fibre. Through the colon's gastric cipher... |
” |
Regularly asked questions
- What if I have more than one movement a day?
- Pick the first loaf of the day for your freshest reading and the best results.
- Can the food you eat the previous day alter your prediction and ultimately your future, ie. chili and beer?
- Just like your fate, your fecal prediction can be changed by your life decisions. Nothing is written in stone.
- Does smell have any bearing or validity?
- Since odor is so subjective, it is usually disregarded in scatomancy. However, generally the stronger the odor, the more specific your prediction will be.
- Should there be a person standing over me scowling each time I poo?
- Yes, you should be ashamed. Sometimes you may need a reminder.
- What does corn (and/or peanuts) in my poop mean?
- It means you ate corn and/or peanuts, stupid!
Madame Cohleana's Scatomancy School
The foremost expert in poop divination would hands-down have to be Mystic Madame Cohleana, founder and sole proprietor of the School of Poo Divination. Her mission at the school is to find meaning in all things, especially in what comes out of our butts, and to find solutions to the experiences we are having based on the movements of our bowels.
Born into the Hershey clan, Madame Cohleana spent her young life as a gypsy nomad, travelling the landscape of (what was then) Pennsylvania. As a child, the Mystic was different from other children, and shunned for her strange interests and talents. The reserved townsfolk were puzzled by all the time Cohleana spent in their out-houses, scribbling down her notes and findings. At the very young age of 15 she left her native town on what she coined "nature's calling".
Madame's journeys instilled in her a love of foreign people. Their strange, and oftentimes ritualistic, excremental customs would entrance her, and thus Cohleana spent much time among Transylvanian villagers while developing her talent of 'Fecal Fortune Telling'. Although the art of scatomancy remains by far her first love, Madame Cohleana has had a few brief but very passionate affairs throughout her long life, the most notable of which was with cereal entrepreneur Ramone Chocula.
Now you try it!
Follow this easy fecal study guide and scatoscopise what the future holds for you! Keep in mind that the predictions of Fecal Fortune Telling are based on your first bowel movement of that day. If you do not produce any droppings before mid-day, it is impossible to predict that day's readings. If you regularly cannot produce a movement before noon, we suggest more bran and fibre in your diet. It is helpful to keep a pad and pen near your toilet: to quickly jot down the key dynamics of your ploppers before you flush, because once you flush, it will be gone forever.
Colour
| turd colour |
health diagnosis |
|---|---|
| Black or dark brown stool indicates that you must make quick decisions today. Do not hesitate when opportunities arise. Carpe Diem! | |
| Brown stool indicates that you will have no real surprises today. A calm and stable forecast is expected, make the best of it. | |
| Beige stool indicates caution. Take special consideration before you act. Be sure to think before you speak! | |
| Green stool indicates turmoil ahead. Be extremely careful in your interactions with others. Don't be confrontational or a dangerous situation will arise. | |
| Red stool indicates you have blood in your stool. If this is common to you please consult your physician in order to keep your bowel healthy! A Band-Aid isn't going to be helpful. | |
| Blue stool indicates that something's really fucked up. What the hell are you eating?! Is Bridget Jones your cook? |
Buoyancy
Plain and simple: sinkers or floaters?
| Floating stool indicates that your mood will be generally positive today. Optimism rules the day. A new love interest or business opportunity may be introduced. | |
| Submerged droppings indicates that perhaps it is time for a vacation or a well deserved break in your routine. Spice things up with a new adventure! |
Number of droppings
| 1-3 | Be wise with your money, do not spend too much. Be frugal. |
| 4-6 | Be kind to a stranger today and you will be repaid handsomely. |
| 7-10 | Do not prejudge others today, be open-minded and fair. |
| 10+ | Avoid high fibre foods, eat more red meat and / or dairy products. |
Remember that loose stool is always danger sign, mentally and physically. If you have diarrhea, take care in your actions and diet.
Shape
These are common shapes that may predict specific events during the day:
|
|
| The Cigar — a straight, long piece hints that strong leadership is needed today, be the first to speak up. Take control. |
|
)
| The Banana — a curved loaf indicates serious attitude is required today, put away childish indulgences and wise up! |
|
∴
| Nugget(s) — a nugget(s) or pellet(s) movement suggests you should support the project of a friend/family member. |
These uncommon shapes are seldom seen, but are oftentimes more specific and trustworthy:
X
| The X — Red flag, Beware! Avoid automotive transit today, or perhaps It would be best to stay in bed. |
∇
| The Triangle — Your luck will be incredible today! Act on that long time crush you have or buy a lottery ticket quickly! |
ξ
| The Coil — You should really take up a hobby or buy a pet. You are becoming a boring person and perhaps are eating too much. |
See also
Antropomorphing ~ Astrology ~ Astronomy ~ Ball gazing ~ Clairvoyance ~ Confucius ~ Dice ~ Fortune cookies ~ Horoscopes ~ Illuminati ~ Jacques Attali ~ Knowing ~ Magic 8-Ball ~ Magic Decoder Ring ~ Miss Cleo ~ Necromancy ~ Nostradamus ~ Occult ~ Palmistry ~ Phrenology ~ Prayer ~ Prophecy ~ Psychic ~ Scatomancy ~ Sun Tzu ~ Tarot ~ Telepathy ~ Zodiac
