Mickey Mouse
Michael Todras Muszkewitz, later changed to Michael Tevens Muszkewits (March 16, 1898 – November 16, 1985), better known under his stage name Mickey Mouse, was a Jewish-American slapstick comedian, actor, pirate and entertainer who served as the role model for Walt Disney's eponymous cartoon character. Born to a poor Jewish family in Breslau (present day Wrocław, Poland), he emigrated to USA in the wake of the First World War in late 1914, at the age of 16. There, he worked as a steamboat captain, an entertainer at the famous NYC Opry House, and had many other jobs before being noticed by Walt in 1928. Walt then proposed that Mickey move to California to work at his cartoon studio by providing a voice for the animated anthropomorphic mouse. Up until his death, Disney was unaware of Muszkewitz's Jewish heritage. When Disney died, Mickey left the industry and became a rabbi at a local mosque. He was eventually succeeded by his 16 children, but left them nothing.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Cloudy Origins[edit | edit source]
It is true that coal miners were not the best of people. Sure, they could do better things. There were millions of wonderful jobs out there, and most of them paid quite well. But these miners did not want to make vast amounts of money doing nothing. They wanted to lead themselves to an early grave and getting wages that would make a rat laugh. However, there was a contradiction. Mickey Mouse was that...um...mouse. He was rescued by Walt Disney's private Vigilante Committee, the "D.W.A.R.F.S." (Doctors With Animals Reading For Smoothies) and taken to Burbank, California, then known as the Nasty Convenience Store of America.
Early Career[edit | edit source]
Michael was a timid mouse-like thing, and had to be on happy pills for his first few performances. Steam Boat Willy was originally going to be a drama, you know. Later Disney began to realize that the general population, slightly smarter than the population now, were dumber than his aunt's casserole recipe. So, rather than show the world wondrous stories and intellectual discussion, showed stupid things dancing to tinny music. Thankfully Mickey, suffering from mild mental illness, was perfect for the job.
Favorite Quote[edit | edit source]
Mickey had a good quote that he used often: 'Why does Pluto not talk?' He was always told 'Pluto is not real. Neither are you for that matter. Now go about your work.'
World War 1[edit | edit source]
During World War 1, Mickey was rumored to have killed over 2,000 German soldiers, 1,000 Austro-Hungarian soldiers, 15,000 Ottoman soldiers and later, possibly 500 American soldiers just because they bad mouthed "Uncle Walt". He entered the war in 1915, two years before America entered the war. Coincidentally, there was also a German spy named Mecky Muose who was reported to have killed many people of New Orleans. Many believe these are both the same person, but the CIA has never reported Mickey Mouse being a German spy. Meckey Muose went missing in 1965 when America entered the Vietnam War.
World War II[edit | edit source]
During WWII, Mickey was said to have gone to war. It was plastered all over the country. 'Famous mouse fights for our freedom even though he is apathetic towards it' and 'Donald duck has eaten his hat' were announced by the greatest radio announcer, that being Billy Dilworth from Toccoa, Ga.
Mickey was known throughout the German population as the infamous "Der Maus," (The Rat")and his catch phrase "DIE NÜB!!" could be found on many leaflets distributed by the Seven Dwarves to unsuspecting French. During the siege of Franz Josef Land, Der Mouse could be seen screeming squeeky curses and flatulating in the general direction of his enemy's castle. These skills boosted his troops' mana points to a whopping over 9000 and provided them with max weapons and infinite ammo.
Mickey Mouse was also said to have battled Joseph Stalin, FDR, and Winston Churchil in a 3 on 1 kung fu battle to decide the fate of the universe. The mouse nearly won, until Homer Simpson, Mario, Weegee, Barack Obama, and the Reverend Al Sharpton warped to the past and killed him by luring him to a giant mouse trap filled with smoked gouda cheese.
However, thanks to tickets to Disneyland costing upwards of 800 dollars and using cheap Chinese sweatshop labor to build very poor Tigger plush dolls and one size fits all Goofy hats, he was later cloned and swore revenge against the three wise men. These men were known as John McCain, Buzz Lightyear, and Woody Allen.
Mickey was in two assassination attempts in 1934 by Donald Duck and another by Daffy Duck, therefore ducks were banished from his reich by his "final solution" to prevent any future "ducks" by flying bullets.
Pirate Years[edit | edit source]
Later Mickey mouse got angry because his macaroni and cheese wasn't cheesy enough and decided to lead a group of Cuban exiles, Al-Qaeda and Taliban rejects, and the ghost of John Wayne in a pirate ship known as Mickeys Terror, marauding around the Caribbean sea stealing all the plastic raincoats and Dale Earnhardt Junior commemorative plates he could. His pirate quest ended in 1972 when he crashed into an invisible iceberg and Mickeys Terror was sunk.
Return to Acting[edit | edit source]
He later attempted to make a comeback in the late 1970s porn film series [Mickey Does Monte Carlo however this was poorly received by Gay Porn fans who found the idea of a talking mouse a bit too unbelievable. After getting addicted to heroin, he resorted to scaring little children and stealing their lunch money.
Mickey Mouse and Vietnam[edit | edit source]
Mickey Mouse controlled forces in Laos, Cambodia, China, and Vietnam after the beginning of the Vietnam War. His favorite battle tactic was to paint a Volkswagen bus yellow and fool the enemy into thinking it was a massive Twinkie.
Shortly afterwards, Mickey Mouse had an heart attack by watching Mickey Mouse Club House masturbating to Annette Funichello.
During Mickey's brief stint as a fluffer, he was raped by a Thai Wrestler named 'Ting Tong Takei'
After the Vietnam War, an attempted assassination on Mickey failed because of Pluto's affliction with a Japenese Mafia. Pluto shoved a piece of Sushi down the assassin's throat, choking him.
Mickey's Second Renaissance[edit | edit source]
Mickey was finally killed off, albeit temporarily, in the feature film Syphilis Symphonies, in which his partial recovery from leprosy is complicated by a sudden attack of rabies. The Michael Moore Mouse Foundation was set up in his honour to assist those who are living with a combination of leprosy and rabies.
Mickey, at the time of his death, was taken to a dilapidated back room somewhere in a movie set on the Disney backlot. He was resuscitated with a makeshift defibrillator constructed out of a Honda generator, a set of halogen stage lights, some jumper cables, two large forks and a rubber chicken. He then went on to complete the next two movies in the Pastor of Muppets Trilogy, Pastor of Muppets and Mickeus Delenda Est.
Mickeys Jewish Awakening[edit | edit source]
following his major box office failures that was the Pastor Of Muppets trilogy Mickey realized that his life was going nowhere and decided to study the ancient practice of Judaism he eventually became a rabbi at a mosque in Israel in October of 1976 however due to his major Sexual Assault allegations the Israeli government sent him into exile in Gaza where he was held hostage by Hamas for 3 months he then decided to rip godawful ass during a Waterboarding session due to his long term chronic constipation he had since 1969 this was enough to kill 3 Hamas militants and leave another 12 in the hospital due to this he was considered a major threat and was released back to Anaheim, California where he continued to father 6 more children who would grow up to have no damn clue of what a good parent looks like.
The First Accident[edit | edit source]
Following this, Mickey was in a car in June 1977 and it stalled on some train tracks. A train carrying roughly 1,500 metric tons of TNT was on a collision path with it, but before it crashed, it decided to blow itself up. The Mickster himself was blown 140 feet into the air and came to land in a rather large oak tree, where he upset a nest of bees. He fell and broke his left arm, and then was raped by a gorilla with lube. In the underworld he made a pact with Satan and now could only truly die in Disney World.
Mickey’s Elder Years[edit | edit source]
After coming back from the depths of hell Mickey realized he was an old fucking man however he couldn’t die unless he entered Disney World so Mickey decided to go get fucked up on every drug imaginable as his heroin addiction spiraled out of control Mickey’s 16 children suggested he go to a retirement home however Mickey decided to chug a bottle of wine and leave, flipping his children on the way out he got into his car and proceeded to drunk drive to the nearest casino he lost all his life savings after gambling and so he shot himself in a alleyway but then he remembered that he couldn’t die unless he was in Disney World so he decided to drive his car off a cliff stranding himself in Vegas and him realizing what happened 25 minutes later.
Mickey Live[edit | edit source]
In a last-ditch attempt at making money Mickey decided to scrounge up anything he had left and perform live on the streets of Vegas he called his routine “Mickey Live” and during one of his routines he infamously said “Why did the chicken cross the road, to get to the other side”!!! People were appalled by what he said and they decided to throw rocks at him Mickey then went into a racist tirade as he hijacked some guy’s moped and drove off to who knows where.
The Second Accident[edit | edit source]
While he was driving a moped on a lonely country road in early July 1981, he had an accident trying to attempt to collide with a chicken that was crossing the road but he crashed against a platan and stuck into it. The consequences were disastrous, he broke all his bones and his hip was never found. He had to keep the plastering on for two years, being consequently idle and extraordinarily fat. When he took off his plastering he weighed 389 lbs. He started eating so much cheesecake, that his next doctor's appointment he stepped on the scale, and it was revealed that he weighed 666 lbs. (Satan kept him alive, though because Mickey was not in Disney World.)
The Death Of Mickey Mouse[edit | edit source]
On November 16 1985 Mickey was on a plane to New York to go commit terrorism when suddenly the plane started to drop thousands of feet in the air the pilot before the flight did 9 different tabs of Acid and was passed out unconscious Mickey in one final heroic move decided to get up to the cockpit and attempt to crash the plane into The Twin Towers to make an even worse terrorist attack but he accidentally pushed the wrong button and sent the plane crashing into none other than Disney World Mickey realized it was the end for him so in one final hurrah he decided to sing “Erika” before ultimately crashing into space mountain causing a disaster, Mickey later woke up in the underworld where he will be left to rot forever as people celebrate his death with a new annual holiday known as “The Mouse Is Finally Fucking Gone Day” and the all lived happily ever after until 9/11. When Mickey's followers enacted his plan that he never managed to complete.
