Metalheads
Nominated Article
“I have more hair than ’em.”
Metalheads are a primitive forerunner of the human race that display heightened levels of aggression, exceptional constitution, narrowmindedness, and a strong affection for loud, violent, evil-sounding, vaguely otherworldly (Brutal) music. They are widely accepted, by most academics, to be the basis for Gods and supernatural deities in all popular religions. While the average Metalhead sees himself as a rock god, the average person sees a woman in bad need of a new wardrobe. However, this dreaded aperture when presented on stage begins to shine like gold in the form of sounds manipulated via surprising mental and physical manual dexterity.
Origin[edit | edit source]
There are the main four theories (and one Idea, which is long and boring, so usually discounted) to where the Metalhead and Metal music in general, has come from. It is still under speculation if any are true, but (surprisingly enough) opinion five seems to be gaining popularity.
Theory One (Ancient Race): The earliest known Metalheads date back to Scandinavia during the 5th century, when they were known as Vikings. When a large earthquake separated Britain from Scandinavia, families were separated and some Metalheads became depressed. They left the very awesome and testicle driven Scandinavia so they could go whine about their parents not loving them. Those ex-Metalheads became Emos, and all Metalheads were so embarrassed by their close brethren that they would publicly abuse and torment them at any occasion with white-hot drum stands. During the Fourth Ice Age, another group of Metalheads decided to go search for food. This group, led by the noble and courageous Lemmy, crossed the Bering Strait in pursuit of antelope and loud music. But during a brutal war with the native Wiggers that inhabited the new continent, the group of Metalheads was dissolved into small tribes of between four and six members, which came to be known as bands. This is where many historians agree that the true Metalheads of our day emerged as a separate entity from their Viking brothers. It was also during this period that the Metalheads adopted their uniforms of jean jackets, long hair, black shirts, and jean pants. These were all used to keep warm during the exceedingly cold period.
Theory Two (Insane Prophet): The Origin of the Metalheads dates back to the Ancient Egyptian times when the great Pharaoh Ozzeth Ozbournei came across a piece of heavy metal known as Iron Maidenium (which was in the shape of a bat at the time). He mistook it for a sandwich and devoured the piece of heavy metal, causing him to go insane. During his tirade, he took up a guitar and started to play some basic chords while screaming loudly and unintelligibly. Some of his loyal subjects heard and created instruments to go along with him. And so the Metalhead breed was formed because anyone that was exposed to this type of music was instantaneously infected.
Theory Three (Resurrection): In 1350, a group of Egyptian lute players were slaughtered by Asiatic warriors. The ghosts of the lute players did not pass on but instead inhabited the lutes. The Egyptians discovered that the lutes had been cursed and burned them. However, one lute did not burn fully. It was locked away and hidden in an unmarked tomb in the desert until the Middle Ages. On a dark storming day, which has been since described as the Black Sabbath, an unnamed man with a bad case of Cholera came across the Tomb of the Cursed Lute. When he lay eye upon the lute, he was immediately drawn to it. He took the Lute and brought it back to his hometown. When he arrived the Soul of the dead lute player possessed the man and attempted to play for the crowd. But the man's Cholera caused his hands to shake violently while playing the lute. The music that erupted from the lute was so brutal and unheard of before that the crowds' heads began to explode. Lute and Guitar players alike began to master the art until they became resilient to the new riff, and they began to breed. The Children were called Headbangers because the riff made their heads rock back and forth instead of explode, and the Children whose heads didn't even rock were called Metalheads for they were as strong as metal against the power of the riff.
Theory Four (Creation): God created humans. Two to start with: Adam, and Eve. As stated in the words of the Bible, Adam ate an evil apple. This apple contained mercury and caused Adam to go mentally insane and have mental fixations of an object called a Guithahr, and wrote strange characters upon a marijuana leaf in blood. He looked at these blotches as, what one would call nowadays, a "Musical Note", and shortly after created this "Guithahr" out of bamboo, a hollowed-out coconut, and strips of thin bark braided together. He stored both, the Guithahr and the papyrus, in a cave somewhere in the modern-day Middle East, where a young man named Jesus Christ found them some 4,000 years later. Jesus Christ recited this writing to the feeble-minded and caused them to believe that he was their lord. This writing is now contained within the Bible. Many copies of this "bible" were made, but none were the same. The original was the only one containing the lyrics. Unfortunately, the original Bible was sold to a local chariot barter for a wagon spoke and was lost in history, until a man by the name of Tom Williams in the early 16th century discovered the bible, and turned it into a play which was looked down upon and laughed at by many people for as long as the play went on. Tom Williams committed suicide with a soldering iron at the age of 62. He dropped his iron on the bible, causing it to burn. A witness, a scientist by the name of Edmund Seymore-Pillis saw the burning bible and thought "That’s cool, maybe someone ought to write a song about a burning bible". Seymore had invented a time machine not a week from the occurrence and decided to test it out. Pillis was launched into the future some 500 years to the year 1969. He found a man in his early adult years by the name of John Michael Osbourne, who thought Pillis's idea of burning bible lyrics was very interesting. On a walk, during their discussion, a sheet of iron fell on Pillis. John attempted to help the iron sheet off of Pillis, but Pillis died. His last words were "Get this heavy metal off of me." John thought about what he had said and believed that "Heavy Metal" should be a new subgenre of music. He and his friends began writing music about mentally unstable cargo trains and bible burning. The ones who enjoyed listening to this type of music became known as "Metal Heads", i.e. the first word of the genre and the word head.
Theory Five (Pentagram): (Never to be mistaken for a Billygraham!) Amadeus, met a demon called Baal in the olden times when music was infused with spirits like wars, plagues, rapine, and slavery. In the age when organs and pianos were the better medium. Amadeus, strung a Spanish guitar with the lightest and deepest gauges on his piano, in a fit of pure insanity, just like the night when he was four and wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". Compelled by the summons to lay the contraption in a ritualistic symbol, he hexed it, bedded a maid upon it, cast his blood on it, and asked Baal to live within it. Baal cracked and contorted the instrument into a wicked shape called a Stratocaster, with one evil word emblazoned on the fret: Fender. In a chest, it went, forgotten by all but the line of the greatest composer and musician of all time. Until a young robber broke into the attic one stormy night and stole the fabled ax sometime in the late 60's. He went on to found a group, after the spirit of Baal connected to the band via a Baphomet likeness one of them was sketching for an album cover. "In this sign conquer. Let my poison seep into the music of this world," it spoke. Frightened, oddly aroused, and tripped out on LSD, they hearkened to the animated image and through the underground, a vibration of the basic noise of Hell seeped into the bands of the day. Each gig begat a new infection, each riffled to one more, each lick demanded a counter, and every chord was a pentatonic balance. Supernaught was that band – they begot Venom, who begot Slayer & Metallica, who were the birth pains of Sepultura. In them was metal truly born, of Hell's black influence and the demonic riffs of the mighty: "Ax of Ages" was at last awake. The Metalheads, are the soldiers of the first tide of pagan rise and unbelief with minds like steel traps focused on the guttural moans of Hell. So they hex the masters to this day, and the heralds of the end play host to powers they perceive not in a fool's disbelief on album after album of cursed melody. But for the few who know, they usher in the darkness, they call out the blackness. In Germania, where it now resides, the harbinger of the final chaos. Metalheads will be cast in steel with horns and cloven hooves. But they will perish, insignificant nothings they are. Yet while they serve, they revel in the fires and the lusts of the flesh. Be it murder, drink, or sex. In that sign, they wage war, and woe to the vanquished and victors alike.
Traits[edit | edit source]
Metalheads are generally Broken into few groups, The "hardened", long-haired type is most common. They hang around areas such as record stores, general exposed areas drinking, screaming and performing very simple acts of socializing. They dress in skinny denim jeans (or just plain denim), any heavy metal band shirt (basically any band that has been around since the 19-fucking-70s) and occasionally boots or Chuck Taylors. Metalheads are generally seen in groups harassing anyone that has a different opinion than them. And depending on what type of metalhead they are they will commit certain acts such as drinking, sacrificing rodents and children to Satan or complaining about their math teacher.
Metalheads tend to hate people who judge them as inferior and creatures of lesser intelligence. They get up into groups and proceed with a well-known metalhead pastime known as being edgy. And on special occasions, they perform the metalhead ritual known as moshing. It is possible to align oneself with a tribe of Metalhead through simple acts like reaching out and communicating with them on a similar level to other humans. But remember that their tastes in things can be "bizarre", it's just the mentality of their kind.
Breeds of Metalhead[edit | edit source]
Metalheads come in many different styles, shapes, and flavors. This you can tell by what they are wearing, what makeup they have on (usually applies to Black Metalheads and (unfortunately) emo/metalcore fags), and how much they harass people. These are the different breeds of metalheads in today's society.
Common Metalheads[edit | edit source]
Half-Metalheads / Rockers This kind of metalhead is probably one of the most common. They love metal but are slightly more into Rock 'N' roll and/or Hard rock (see below.) They despise every kind of metal that has guttural vocals or screaming in it. For a metalhead, they wear quite basic clothing. Usually just a band tee, jeans, construction boots, and maybe a small leather wristband or a leather jacket. They're usually bald or have shaggy mid-length hair.
Almost Metalheads / Hard Rockers Unlike Half-Metalheads, these people actually listen to Rock that's typically played on any active radio station. They have the same appearance and personality as their counterparts, mostly wearing band shirts, jeans, and boots. They are better than you in many, MANY ways.
True Metalhead (Spelled true with a "U", not a "V".) Just a general Metalhead typically seen with non-tight jeans, casual shoes (Chuck Taylors Mainly), and an Iron Maiden shirt. Will listen to a wide spectrum of metal from heavy metal to thrash metal, speed metal, and of course, death metal. The best and least annoying type of Metalhead, tough, down to earth, he doesn't feel the need to tell the world he likes metal with gimmicky clothing styles or cliques, he simply gets on with his own life and lets other get on with theirs. Mainly seen in packs or alone in public places. People tend to question their style, their way of living, and especially the music they listen to (and their long hair if they have it). These guys are the coolest of metalheads and will get along with mostly anyone, but their most hated enemies tend to be emo/scene kids and Nu-Metal posers. They are usually found to have actual experience with musical instruments, thus their like for this wide spectrum. They can be found trying to convert Headbangers. These guys were put here to rock the shit out of you.
Headbanger/Thrasher The most dangerous Metalhead breed and brutal form of the Metalhead seeing that the words "hardcore faggot" are repeated on a regular basis. Known as the Metal equivalent of Go‑Go dancers, they are seen standing around in packs attempting to get everyone moving while continuing their spree of windmills, which is totally not anywhere near similar to hardcore kids. With their hair that reaches below their shoulders or longer, they engage in the mating ritual that is Headbanging, a windmill motion of their famed locks, which is used to signal other potential Headbangers into an orgy that is the Mosh.
Black Metalhead (Trve Mehtulz) They are typically seen in smaller groups. On special occasions, they paint their faces with children's face paint, which they refer to as "death paint". They also enjoy eating a wholesome breakfast of babies dipped in cancer. "I like my coffee black, just like my metal."
Pagan/Satanic/Folk Metalhead First and foremost the majority of them are pagan, so they either worship Satan or Norse Gods. They are one of the most dangerous, for they fear nothing and have no weaknesses because they know that Satan/Odin has a nice place for them in the halls of metal when they die. They worship their god(s) like a screaming squeaker worships Fortnite while despising Islam, Jews, and Christ-cucks. They love on stage horror acts like; animal sacrifice, bloodletting, bible burning, destruction of holy grounds, and even filling the sprinkler systems with the blood of scene kids and making them go off at random.
Brutal/Death Metalhead Doesn't the name explain enough? BRUTAL ... Metalhead ... God, you are stupid.
Goregrind/Pornogrind Metalhead Brutal Metalheads on speed. It is suggested that you avoid them, as they can survive a full wrath onslaught from Chuck Norris much longer than any mortal.
Doom/Sludge/Drone/Stoner Metalhead Typically seen sitting in their Living Room or Den smoking weed, this breed of Metalhead listens to slow, somewhat depressing, atmospheric, and/or extremely heavy but slow Metal.
Power/Speed/Medieval Metalhead Wish they lived in Middle-Earth.
Progressive Metalhead This breed of metalhead most easily blends in with mainstream society in terms of looks. Progressive metalheads are almost invariably musicians and like to let everyone know it, as when listening to their music they will insist on explaining to you all about the polyrhythm in this part and the eight-string tapped arpeggio in the guitar solo.
Heavy Metalhead These Metalheads will listen to any music as long as it has Screaming/Guttural vocals, or has especially heavy riffs.
Passive Metalheads These metalheads have no extra title, as they listen to almost every form of metal except deathcore which is for pussies.
Not Brutal Enough Metalheads[edit | edit source]
Nu-Metalhead They think that the word true is spelled with a V and not a U.
Gothic Metalhead An oxymoron, Gothic Metalheads normally consist of misguided Mallgoths who think Goth and Metal are synonymous. They can be found in hottopic but are not emo‑fags.
Glam/Hair/Sleaze Metalhead These are the guys that fucked your mom in the '80s. Very friendly most of the time when you first meet but don't be fooled by their passive nature, they just want to get in your pants. They have extremely long girly hair-sprayed hair and are generally seen in extremely flamboyant clothing. Their attire consists of Snakeskin cowboy Boots or Chuck Taylor high tops. Despite their attire, however, they are rarely homosexual in any way. Also, it is amazing to know they will probably get laid in a week more than you ever will in your life.
Fake/Poser Metalheads[edit | edit source]
Deathcore Kid The gayest breed of "Metalhead", normally hang out naked in groups of two to eight. PISS THEM OFF, they will run for their lives.
Metalcore/Post-Hardcore/Screamo fag Research has concluded that the best way to deal with these fags are to make them give back their sister's pants and burn their Asking Alexandria shirt.
Insecure Elitist We're not even going to say anything. Except that they're most commonly found on YouTube, making rant videos on Avenged Sevenfold using MS Sam's voice, all while demanding whiny A7X fans to listen to some underground band they've never heard of.
Scene/Emo Fags They say they aren't conformists, but look at a pack of them and try to find any individuality amongst them.
Juggalo The Juggalo is a mysterious creature. Often confused as a Metal or Hard Rock fan by outsiders due to black shirts with blood on them, the Juggalo is the bastard child of Goth and Hip‑Hop, yet hated by both communities. When possible, punch them in the face really hard, they will either cry or write a dis‑track.
Participation in The War of Rock[edit | edit source]
Metalheads were an important ally for the Loyalist forces in the series of worldwide conflict known as The War of Rock. Although it is a metalhead's tendency to go against anything non-metal, their blind hatred for/need of nourishment from the Emos, Nazi-Punks, Rockers, Scene Kids, etc. of the "New Rocking Order" forced the metal armies out of isolation from the rest of the music world, and entered the conflict, horns raised, heads banging.
Metal doctrine is at the heart of the root cause of the conflict. The argument started when Jack Black announced to the public that he believed the "New Rocking Order" to be "Homosexual Loser Piggies, who couldn't Rock like Dio, who rocked for a long long time".
Many Metal Army Divisions won key victories for the Loyalist forces. Taking a hiatus from their status as Jesus, the underground band of Iron Maiden is responsible for singlehandedly defeating Funeral for a Friend and Korn in a single day. Another famous battle is the Battle for Hollywood, specifically the Thrash Charge. The bands snuck up the hill to the Hollywood sign and caught General Avril Lavigne by surprise. What followed was four hours of a bunch of guys beating up a woman. Rest assured, they all thought they were big men by the end of it.
Metal Chicks[edit | edit source]
The female metalheads are often chicks with hot bodies if you're lucky (there are still some "mooses" running the colors). Unlike ordinary humans, the Metal Chick is dominant over the male, deciding where he sleeps, what he does all day, what he can eat, and when he can breathe. Also unlike ordinary humans, the metal chick will not punish the male by withholding sex; rather, metal chicks actually have a way to punish their males by having tame sex with them (the male prefers it rough). The Metal Chick has a second set of teeth, one that isn't in her mouth.
Those female metalheads who are not sadistic will always be "the man" in bed. You should keep these things in mind to avoid being raped by metal chicks.
- If you hear a metal band will be doing a concert in your local area, leave the town and stay somewhere else until the band has moved on. After metal chicks are done flashing their tits to the band members, they'll always go out and find young men to rape.
- Keep a good supply of company and a counter female. These items have been proven effective in repelling any form of metal thottery.
- Don't listen to emo, rap, or pop. Remember that metalheads live on a diet of emo kids and posers, and act very feral to Chavs (ongoing wrath war). Forms of music other than metal are signs to a metalhead that food is not far away.
If you do end up getting raped by a metal chick, keep this in mind:
- Whatever you do, don't irritate the metal chick. She can use her "second" set of teeth at will.
- Don't resist. Resisting will irritate her. Besides, she has the strength of ten people so resisting is kinda pointless.
- While being raped, don't cry or fearfully scream for help. Instead, yell angrily at the top of your lungs, as it sounds like metal singing, which will please the metal chick, making her less inclined to hurt you.
Metalheads in today's culture[edit | edit source]
Today, metalheads are characterized as people who wander around starting fights over the internet for no apparent reason. They can be sighted at concerts wearing their jackets covered in band patches, taken from the medieval practice of bearing the coat of arms on a shield. For example, the House of Slayer has been beating the shit out of Cute is What We Aim For for quite some time. The mortal enemies of the Metalhead clans are great in number, including the Emo/Scene Clan and the Posers, as well as the Hardcore try hard clan, a wretched crew of flesh which crawls from deep, subterranean pools of custard. They pretty much hate anyone who's either an Emo, Prep, or Chavs because they all share the idea that metal is a joke genre.
