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- 300 BC - Sultry Indians invent the art of pawnography, along with a compendium of important openings and positions.
- 1440 - Johannes Gutenberg invents the printing press after tumultuous break up with scribe ex-girlfriend. (Pictured)
- 1858 - Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln go head-to-head in the Lincoln-Douglas Debates. Douglas wins over the crowd with a rousing, Sorkinesque speech on raising interest rates.
- 1866 - The corpse of Abraham Lincoln starts to stink real bad.
- 1949 - Siam calls itself Thailand during a night out on the town, like we wouldn't notice.
- 1956 - Newly formed country of Ghana frees itself from British rule: "What about the aqueducts?" says Empire.
- 1997 - IMB's Deep Blue, wearing a stunning monokini, defeats tanned Grandmaster Gary Kasparov in a game of Extreme Beach Chess.
- 2015 - Jeb Bush's secret family Guacamole recipe leaked to the world by WikiLeaks. "The public have a right to know!" exclaims Julian Assange.