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- 5400 BC – Ancient Druids create early pornography out of large stones on the Salisbury Plain in England, sadly it only works one day of the year, leading to many wars.
- 1940 – World War II: France surrenders to Germany, and that's all everybody says about France, no one remembers the Partisans! Sacrebleu!
- 1964 – The Ku Klux Klan bankrupts Bed Bath & Beyond after buying out all their white linen sheets.
- 1982 – John Hinckley is found not guilty be reason of insanity after disagreeing with Reagan's ideas on supply-side economics.
- 1994 – Study by the University of Cambridge shows that 14% of people born under the sign of Cancer are mauled by giant crabs. (Pictured)
- 2002 – The WHO finds a cure for polio, they go on to perform "Magic Bus" and "Pinball Wizard" to throngs of celebrating doctors.
- 2007 – Pluto sues the International Astronomical Union for defamation of character and libel.