Joyce
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Joyce Drake (or just Joyce) is the only Christian female singer that ever mattered.
Joyce Drake (born 1947) is a 48 time Grammy Award winning, sexually religious pop icon, and a 20 time Academy Award winning actress. Though she only cut one record, entitled Joyce, her work is among the most sought after cult LP of all time. But Joyce would prefer that you not use the terms "cult" or "cult following" when speaking about her because it has demonic undertones, "And that," says the soft spoken grandmother from Sealy, Texas, "is not what I am all about."
Some might say she is "bigger than Jesus Christ", but Joyce would surely not approve of this comparison, mainly for her own protection. The singer has struggled throughout her career to remain relevant, and undergoes constant reinventions (not unlike Madonna or Kylie Minogue), and even had a temporary sex change in 2002. She has struggled with public sexual problems her entire career, and became involved with drugs and alcohol late in her career, which led to an Oprah appearance, and a major comeback that led to her selling more than 50 million albums in one week. In July of 2009, Joyce Drake was elected to be the new queen of Hawaii. In 2010 she faced a massive commercial backlash due to an Illuminati scandal with Christina Aguilera. In 2011 she returned to fame with, "Born This Day", and broke internet download records. At the mid year her career again declined, as she converted to Buddhism.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Joyce Madonna Drake was born in the ghetto of New York City, where her mother worked as a whore. Her father an hero because God told him to, because his wife was a whore. Joyce grew up living in shit and was forced to starve for days at a time. At age 7, she finally entered a one-room schoolhouse, where she learned about prostitution, and how to have sex with men four times your age. At age 14 she became involved in prostitution, and worked in threesomes alongside her mother. She dropped out of school at age 16, and spent as many as 20 hours a day performing sexual acts. By age 18 she was found by Hugh Hefner at the side of a ghetto, passed out with four drunk men next to her. Hugh saved her from the ghetto, and brought her back to the mansion with him. At the mansion, Joyce learned about safe sex, and in her spare time, learned about Christianity from Dolly Parton. After three years at the mansion, she found out her mother died after being raped and beaten by a gang. Joyce broke down and turned to God for help, where she was informed she would have to sing her entire life, because it's what her mother wanted to do, but never could do because she was a whore.
Career[edit | edit source]
In 1978, Joyce began working on her debut album, alongside Dolly Parton and Cher. By the middle of the year, Holy Joyce was released to flop sales and fell of the chart shortly after release. Joyce broke down and entered depression, and was forced to spend a week alone in a dark hole contemplating about her awful singing. She then realized people don't care about her or her music, so she needs to slut it up. Dolly Parton told her to get implants and wear slutty clothing that makes her breasts look like sex symbols, which led to Joyce doing so. Joyce had a total image change, but decided to keep with her religious music theme, and the next year, she released Prayers of Joyce, which saw some good sales, but not enough to make her happy. So then later she found James Brown, had sex with him a few times, and got some soul from him. At this same time, she was informed by Iraqi spies that Madonna was going to be releasing an album, and God told her that she was going to be so fucking huge that she would need to release a rival album to make more money for the Pope to be happy.
From nowhere, to legend[edit | edit source]
In 1983, Joyce Drake, the wife of an Assembly of God minister from Texas was full to the brim with the Love of Jesus. "I gave my heart to him, and he changed my life, and yet, I felt that I needed to sing songs of praise about him and hoped it unlocked the door for others."
And so, with great reservations about the public nature of her endeavor, Joyce Drake stepped into the recording booth. What followed was an afternoon of what would otherwise be magic, however Joyce Drake prefers that we not describe the sessions as magic, but rather divine guidance. "Magic implies something that is unnatural. Jesus does not perform magic, he doesn't need to because he is the one true Lord. I prefer to believe that it was his hand, guiding me, and that the special relationship that I have by giving him my heart is what helped me to create this work in His name."
Following the recording (and after paying the jug band that backed her up), Joyce next traveled to Stella's Smart Shop to have her hair done. From there she traveled to the Olan Mills Studios for her album portrait.
"I chose a dress of many colors, in honor of Him in hopes that my record would reach many different colored people. Just as I was about to have my image captured, the photographer said 'I never suggest this, but could you hold a red rose?'" said the singer. "I was taken aback. A red rose? 'Yes,' the photographer said, a red rose, a red the color of Jesus' blood as he hanged on the cross. And that is how I came to hold the rose."
And as fate would have it, a week later, Joyce had a call from her record promoter. Clyde Williams, Joyce's promoter had called to suggest, nay implore, that they simply call her album Joyce.
"He felt that just having my first name on the album would beckon to the consumer, not in the way that a harlot beckons to a man, but it would call out to them and beg that they read the message on its back cover."
And thus, Joyce began her climb to becoming a legend.
Nothing Like a Virgin[edit | edit source]
After establishing herself as an artist, with some fans, she decided it was time to release her first pop album. She met up with David Bowie and James Brown, who taught her the path of U2, and gave her some Cyndi Lauper and pre-Tifanny vocal shit, to make her sound futuristic. The lead single, "Why Won't You Fuck Me?", was a massive worldwide hit, and went #1 on more than 40 charts, and gave her debut album sales of more than 2 million worldwide, very large at the time. Her album went on to sell more than 23 million albums, and established her as the largest singer on Earth. She would later release a dozen more singles, all going top ten, and giving her the distinction of having ten top ten singles at once, a record never matched again (except a long time later by her).
A music video for the single "Why Won't You Fuck Me?" was directed by Andy Worhol which is know for the famous establishing shot of the irresistible Joyce climbing out of a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup. Along with the closing scene of Joyce successfully seducing Andy Worhol whom found her to irresistible to finish his hamburger.
God's Thriller[edit | edit source]
A year after her supermassive worldwide hit album, she decided she wanted to go back to God and still have sexual music at the same time. She also decided she wanted to be black, so she wore blackface, and released her (not a Michael Jackson rip-off), God's Thriller, which shot to #1 in 70 countries, sold 6 million it's first week worldwide, and sold 40 million+ worldwide, giving her a dozen worldwide #1s, and enough money to buy a Australia. After doing so, she forced australians to buy her albums or else they would be sent to life in prison. This led to riots that did nothing, so everyone was screwed and forced to buy her albums so she could outsell Michael Jackson and Madonna, and still be the most popular singer ever.
Re-Joyce[edit | edit source]
A few years later in 1986, Joyce decided she wanted more money, so she spit out another half-ass album, full of cheesy gospel ballads, and zero pop songs. The album flopped at just 6 milliom copies, and pissed Joyce off to the point where she massacred 40,000 australians and banned Madonna from ever releasing an album in Australia. At he same time, australian Kylie Minogue was on the verge of being the new-Madonna at Joyce's chagrin. Joyce became very angry and commanded a bounty on her head, which was never fulfilled. Joyce later apologized and admits she was too drunk on Jesus juice to even know what she was doing. She later revoked her apoloy a few months later, realizing Kylie is a clone of Madonna, and an android sent from space to replace all pop music sluts.
Career demise[edit | edit source]
By the late 80s her career began to wain, and even though she won a few Grammys every year (thanks to giving pleasure to the Grammy voters), she still was facing flop sales, and no one showing up at her tour. She later revealed she was the spawn of Hitler and wanted to start a new Holocaust to kill all the australians, because "they were fucking up her career, and God didn't like them." However this did nothing except cause a huge downfall in her sales, and lead to her albums being banned in more than 200 countries, causing her to flop hard. Her compilation The Best Joyce Collection charted basically nowhere, and led to Joyce returning to sex and flashing her breasts on public television worldwide, during the Olympics.
A few years later she released The Erotic Bedtime Story, featuring a lesbian duet with Madonna, and a sex book filled with pornographic photographs of her, Madonna, and numerous lesbians making love. The book went straight to #1 and was sold in schools across the world to teach children about sex, as well as the album (which features real orgasm sounds). The album became a hit, and Joyce was back at her prime, but nowhere near her previous peak. Her next album, Christianized, with the lead single, Christianizer, bombed, and led to poor album sales, proving she was still a flop.
Comeback, Hit Joyce One More Time, Lesbianism[edit | edit source]
Joyce decided it was time to return to mainstream non-Christian pop music, so she followed Britney Spears and met up with Max Martin (after hours of oral sex), and released Hit Joyce One More Time, an all sex pop album. The lead single went to #1, while every other single went top ten, making Joyce the second artist to have ten top tens from one album all at the same time, a record she set herself a decade earlier! Joyce appeared on Oprah and had live lesbian sex with Oprah, making Oprah the first black lesbian of television, and Joyce the first Christian lesbian of television. Both went on to make public appearances about their relationship, until they decided to breakup a year later, after Joyce found Christina Aguilera (Xtina). This led to many duets, many lesbian appearances (more than with Oprah), and massive album sales in excess of 20 million plus.
JOYCE2000, sex change, future[edit | edit source]
After a good time of lesbian fun worldwide, Joyce went back to the studio and sucked Max Martin's dick a few more times to get more addicting lesbian tracks with Christina Aguilera and later, a threesome lesbian anthem with Britney Spears. The album went to #1 everywhere, sold 24 million albums, and made Joyce wet to the point she decided she wanted to have a sex change. In July 2002, Joyce had a penis surgery, and began posing in Playgirl alongside Justin Timberlake, which infuriated Britney Spears. Then Britney decided she was going to sleep with Christina to further her album sales, which angered Joyce, leading to her releasing numerous pointless album, including a compilation, remix, and a dozen other albums that weren't even official. Her albums sold more than Britney, which pissed Britney off to the point she madeout with Madonna on MTV.
World domination[edit | edit source]
In 2005, she released a film titled The Joyce Ship to Space, a film about her own ship that sails to space as she falls in love with a boy, and everyone dies. The movie made $4,000,000,000 (4 billion) worldwide in one year, won 20+ Academy Awards, and gave Joyce the distinction of best actress ever. She decide she wasn't ever going to make movies again, because it was boring, and she wanted to sing. So then she released Sex on a Dancefloor, featuring a new lesbian duet with Madonna, which skyrocketed to #1 worlwide, and sold tens of millions.
Her next album, THE JOYCE COLLECTION VOL. 1 & 2, a compilation that featued hundreds of songs on two discs. The album sold 40 million copies and made Joyce the first billionaire lesbian Christian singer. Joyce later revealed in an Oprah interview, she was not a lesbian, and was just pretending to be to be famous. Don't You Fuck With Me, went #1 in 300 countries, and on two planets, making her the first artist to go #1 outside of Earth, and the first artist to sell 20 million copies in one week, and the first artist to sell 70 million albums in one year alone. She later decided to have a sexual relationship with Kanye West, and changed her name to 'JoYce DrAke, codename, seXy JoYce. The alias was awful, but the world ate it up, and Joyce sold 3 million albums in one day, 20 million in one week, and 200 million in a year.
She later went on to sleep with every man in Hollywood, before revealing that Clay Aiken was gay because he wouldn't sleep with him, which led to him cgay, and ruining his own career (because they were all homophobic, like what Joyce's old fans were), to the pleasure of Joyce.
Comeback #2[edit | edit source]
After a year of partying with Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse, receiving 20 tickets for driving under the influence, and skipping 6 court dates, Joyce announced it was time for a comeback! After sleeping in a church for 27 hours, and having dreams of the bible, Joyce decided it was time to return to the public eye, and wash the filthy sex images of Britney and PCD out their eyes. Her new album, "ChurchHouse", was released on April 6th 2009, and sold more than 700,000 copies in just 1 minute. Because of the huge influx of sales, iTunes crashed and later announced they sold more than 24,000,000 albums in just one day! By the end of the month, Joyce earned 3 #1s (due to downloads alone), and announced a world tour titled JOYCE LOVES EVERYONE with more than 430 tour dates, and an opening act of freakshow talents, Lady Gaga, Sextina Gaguleria (Christina Aguilera), and Pussy Dolls (Pussycat Dolls Nicole Scherzinger..WHO?). Her new album, image, and tour, boast a strong sexual image, with Joyce wanted the world to know, sex is fun, sex in church is fun, and having sex is what we're here for! Her new single, "Just Prance", is for her gay fans, while, "SexyFace", is her new worlwide smash about sex! Both singles went to #1 and sold 40 million copies, while her follow-up, Please Don't Leave Me Alone (In Church), a duet with P!nk, sold 70 million copies in one week, and made even the Pope cry. Joyce is currently touring the galaxy, and planning on returning home after she find the meaning of life.
The Flop Era[edit | edit source]
In 2010, or around there, she came out with her much anticipated 39th album, "The Emancipation Of Joyce". The album was supposed to be her third comeback, and set the stage for her world tour with Christina Aguilera. Unfortunately Floptina's Bionic Curse spread to Joyce and her album didn't even achieve Gold status (as of 2011). The album debuted at #187 on the Billboard Hot 100, and the joint concert with Christina was canceled! Despite the poor album sales, the canceled tour, and the fact Joyce was struggling to stay sober for public performances.. Her management released a string of singles (with low budget lyric videos), hoping to boost album sales. The year generally went by as a blur to Joyce (duh), and her fans complained she was being marketed wrong. Everyone knows the album flopped because she sold her soul to the illuminati and unfortunately used Christina's flop blood sacrifice.
Born This Day[edit | edit source]
In 2011 Joyce promised a full fledged comeback that would destroy all pop divas. In January 2011 she released "Born This Day", to proclaim she was being reborn (spiritually). The single was a smash and debuted at #1 on iTunes within 2 minutes. The single sold 3 million digital downloads in a day, and 10 million in a week. It spent 15 weeks at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100, and established that Joyce was better than the rest. Follow up singles were smash hits, and pop stars came crying to Joyce begging for their songs to be remixed for success. So Joyce sold out and began recording remixes for her lesser peers, while still establishing her Billboard Hot 100 reign. In May 2011 the album, "Born This Day", was released. However Amazon.com became greedy and sold the album for $0.09 for the first 24 hours. Thus, the album sold 200 million copies in one day, and 1 million copies the rest of the week. To date the album has sold 202 million copies, and continues to smash the charts (at position 185!). None of her singles since "Born This Day" have been #1s, but her fans continue to support her! At this same time, Christina Aguilera (once Joyce's best friend), continued to flop, and was signed to "Flop Factor", where Joyce made a cameo appearance in May 2011. Since then Joyce has embarked on the "Born This Day Ball", and planned to release a holiday album in late 2011!
Buddhism: The New (indie) Joyce[edit | edit source]
In mid 2011 (specifically July 3, 2011), Joyce suffered a midlife crisis caused by menopause. She shaved of all her hair and locked herself in her hotel room for 3 days and 4 nights. Early on July 8th, Joyce released herself from her self-exile, and announced to the world she had become a Buddhist. She later met with the Dali Llama and held a press conference on her website with a Q&A for fans. By the end of the summer Joyce had recruited 20 followers to Buddhism off her own public speaking. In September 2011, she released her smash single 'Büddha & I', which reached #96 on US iTunes in just 5 days and sold 18,250 downloads in that timeframe. The single did not chart on the Billboard 100, and led to Joyce attempting suicide. On the evening of October 2, 2011 Joyce held herself hostage in a McDonalds and attempted to pour coffee with a temperature of 275 celsius on her face. This was filmed on just one local news station in a 30 seconds clip. Joyce later came to terms with her career demise and parted ways with her label. She created her own record label "India Soup Records". After assessing the chart trends for Holiday season 2009 and 2010, she decided the public loved Susan Boyle. So in November 2011, she released another new single "Marry the Light", a love song to Buddha. The music video was filmed and released, showing a biographical look at the midlife crisis and the suicide attempt of Joyce, and her plea for fame. The single peaked at #119 on the Billboard Hot 100 Bubbling Under chart, and sold 53,000 downloads total. Joyce released a holiday album, "Have Yourself A Joyce Xmas", which peaked at #187 on the Billboard 200 chart with 4,480 sales. In late December 2011 Joyce announced she had returned to her previous record label, after realizing she is a flop without them. She denounced her Buddhist affiliations and said she is prepared in 2012 do to whatever it takes to regain her cult appeal.
When I am down, he lifts me up[edit | edit source]
The album sold a respectable 150 copies, before being consigned to the remainder bin of history, where the rest languished.
"And then Jesus created the Internet, and like him, my career arose from the dead."
And oh, what a friend we have, in Je-sus[edit | edit source]
Within ten years of public access, Joyce found a rebirth on the Internet, where he album soon became a coveted collectible, selling for for up-wards of $700.00 on eBay, and soon Joyce found the recording greats of the world at her door step. "But I would prefer that you not use the word 'Covet' because our God tells us not to covet our naighbors wife, which is a metaphore for being preoccupied with unhealthy desire. So I would say that people sought out my songs and my testamony. There, isn't that nicer?"
"You know, I was speaking with Bono over cups of piping hot Postum (I never drink Coffee because its a drug and we all need to just say no to drugs) and I said to him, 'Bono, blessed are those who put their trust in the Lord.' and Bono wept. Bono wept right here in my kitchen," said Joyce in a 2001 interview with Barbara Walters. "So Bono and I prayed, together here, with my husband present, and we prayed for a better world, and I believe -- I never think about Jesus, because I believe in him -- that Bono lifted up his heart to the Lord. Right here in my kitchen."
New album[edit | edit source]
In March 30th, 2024, she announced the new album Christ is Lord featuring twelve 20 minute megachurch-ish songs, released in August 21st later that year.
Illuminati[edit | edit source]
In early 2010 it was revealed to various blogs that Joyce was apart of the Illuminati. Her fans denied the rumors, despite the huge evidence of massive occult symbolism in her videos. Joyce herself was believed to have been mkultraed to the point where she created a new alter ego (Javid). Her new ego appeared briefly in some of her videos, and spoke with a strong cockney accent. Joyce also began changing her image to prepare for her new album.
In June 2010, a new website called VigilantJoyce appeared online. It revealed in-depth information about Joyce's videos, lyrics, wardrobe, and such. Later it was revealed that the reasoning behind Joyce's long historical sexual image was due to mkultra sex kitten reprogramming, and mkdelta reprogramming of her sister (whom no one knows what happened to). Joyce herself briefly mentioned such information on "The Talk". However she referred to the Illuminati as, "them", and claimed they murdered Michael Jackson, and would punish her if she spoke of "them" again. Joyce has long since denied such claims, and refuses to speak about the "Illuminati". In 2011 Joyce stopped doing meet & greets, and demanded fans not even look in her eyes. Some believe she's becoming a reptilian, others believe she's just stressed from the constant mkultra reprogramming (phase 4) treatment. And then the hardcore Joyce stans believe the Illuminati is a hoax, and Joyce is perfectly, and sexually healthy!
After Joyce's meltdown in mid 2011 and her change of religion, many including VigilantJoyce speculated she was rebelling against the elite. Joyce had reportedly parted ways with the major industry (her handlers), and later resided in a rural town in Nepal. However in late 2011 she completely reversed all this, and returned to her previous record label with no morals. Everyone has speculated she's returned to the Illuminati and is now attempting to usurp Rihanna as Princess of the Illuminati.
What's next for Joyce[edit | edit source]
Now a grandmother, Joyce is sure the days of fame are behind her. "I know that there are those who laugh at my artistic endeavor, but if I can save just one person from a fiery afterlife in Hell, it would be worth it."
Discography[edit | edit source]
Singles[edit | edit source]
1980: "(Nothing) Like A Virgin"
1980: "From A Distance God Is Watching Us (So Turn On the Light and F**K Me, I Wanna Put On A Show)
1980: "Papa Don't Preach (Just Cuz You God and Ya Think Yo' Know It All)f/Rappin'Jesus
1981: "Like A Prayer"
1981: "Breath of Heaven (WTF? Why Am I Pregnant God? Yo!), "On The Inside (Lesbian Sex Theme of "Prisoner Cell Block H)"
1982: "He's Got the Whole C**K in His Hands"
1984: "God Only Knows Who I'd F**K Without You"
1985: "Holy Hour", "Joyce Is A Virgin", "Out of Hell", "Bite Me Now", "Fucking Around the Christmastree", "Do You Want Sex?", "Thriller (Joyce song)", "Woman in the Mirror".
1986: "Jungle Bitch", "Freakshow", "I Want Sex Now (Hurry Up)", "I'm Not Madonna"
1987: "Fuck Kylie Minogue", "Australian Holocaust", "Sexy Showgirl", "Jesus Is My Man", "Cum Back"
1992: "Erotic Sexual", "Black Girl", "Fucking This Bed", "Out Of Control (I Need A Tampon)", "Worry About You (Are You Gay?)", "In The Middle Of The Street (We're Fucking)",
1998: "Hit Joyce One More Time", "Sometimes Joyce Cries", "Joyce Is Crazy", "Joyce Is Stronger", "Just Joyce!"
2000: "Baby Bitch, It's Joyce", "The Joyce Rain Song", "All About Joyce"
2001: "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman", "Juicy Joyce" ft. Christina Aguilera,
2005: "Jesus Take the Wheel (I Can't Drive On Parole)", "Oops, I Touched Myself"
2006: "Post-It To God", "God Is My Boyfriend", "Don't Cha Wish Ur Preacher Were Hot Like Me?"
2007: "U + Ur Hand of God" (Popular radio-edit: "U + Ur Bible")
2008: "Touch My Bible", "Fall For You - During Communion" and "4 Minutes To Go To Church', "My Milkshake (Is Made With Milk From My Tits)"
2009: "Gives You Heaven", "My Life Would Suck Without God", "Just Prance", "SexyFace", "Please Don't Leave Me (Alone in Church)", "Touch my Bible", "Suck My Cross", "God's Penis In My Pussy", "Cumdrops" + (B-Side Re-Issue Of 1980 "(Nothing) Like A Virgin") "My Legs Are Spread On Jesus' Cross", "I Fissed A Girl"
2010: "Rude Pastor", "Not A Christian Tonight", "Popstar 101", "Te Amo (She Doesn't Love Jesus)", "Only God (In The Universe)", "What's My Baptism Name"
2011: "Born This Day", "S&M (Sin & Me) [Remix]", "Pray Till The World Ends [Remix]", "Last Sunday Night [Remix]", "Judas (Deserves No Crown)", "Edge of (God's) Glory", "Büddha & I", "Marry the Light"
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- "U + Ur Hand of God" was covered by Pulse Music Board member JessieLou. She is now known around the boards as "sinner" for butchering the greatness that is Joyce.
