“Do girls REALLY just want to have fun? I've got a few ideas then.”
“Based on your fashion sense, I think we can see your true colors.”
“...And the winner of the award for best supporting punk looking (yet incredibly easy listening) popstar in The Goonies goes to.... Cyndi Lauper”
Cyndi "Rainbow Brite" Lauper (c. 1980 –) established the religion of Walkentology among the feral community following the great Pox-Eclipse. Feral children believe her to have been Walker's final and most important prophet, to whom the Twelve Deadly Cyns was revealed.
Pre-Pox-Eclipse[edit | edit source]
Prior to the Pox-Eclipse Lauper was a commercially and critically acclaimed musician, fashion designer, and actress. By the early 1980s she established her position as the leading spiritual guru for wild children and homoerotic steroid abusing men in tights. Her first major prophecy, "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough", was widely regarded as one of the most important works in Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. Although the work contained valuable information regarding pirate/child relations, it lacked the primal intensity of her post-Pox-Eclipse scriptures. Shortly before the Pox-Eclipse, Lauper was converted to Walkentology by the messiah himself while completing the Old Testament of the religion, "The Opportunists".
Ministry[edit | edit source]
Eventually Walker became bored with humanity and wiped out the majority of the Earth's inhabitants in the Pox-Eclipse. This was done to give his two favorite groups, homoerotic steroid abusing men in tights and feral children, an environment suitable for all of their stunt driving and recreational violence needs. Walker preferred spending his time roaming the desert toying with the tribes of sweaty, mohawked men in chaps, so like any other self-respecting father figure, he abandoned the children to grow up to become good little savages. Lauper argued that with a little guidance and time the feral children could become an army of fundamentalist Walkentologists ready to participate in any gladiator games the lord wishes. Walker agreed and gave Lauper his blessing to use them against her arch enemy (and Oprah's warlord) Tina Turner.
Lauper settled the children in a secluded oasis near her enemy and equipped them with just enough supplies to allow them to survive. Her teachings became the scripture Twelve Deadly Cyns and formed the foundation of feral kid society worldwide. They gained satisfactory proficiency in the Tell, and were then left alone in the desert until feral enough to battle the warlord "Aunty" Turner.
Twelve Deadly Cyns[edit | edit source]
“This ain't one body's story. It's the story of us all. We got it mouth-to-mouth. You got to listen it and 'member. 'Cause what you hears today you got to tell the birthed tomorrow...”
Twelve Deadly Cyns (also known as the Tell) was Lauper's defining work and the basis of young feral civilization. True to the anarchist culture it describes, the scripture is divided into 14 chapters, not 12. Scholars have summarized the work as follows:
1. I'm Gonna Be Strong
The creation myth of feral kid society. It has the unique feature of starting with the end of the world and teaches the children that only savagery will give them the strength needed to survive.
2. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Defines the culture as matriarchal, and fun central to the feral lifestyle.
3. Money Changes Everything
Establishes the central demonic entity of the religion, personified by "Aunty" Turner and Bartertown.
4. Time After Time
Introduces a cyclical pattern of destruction and rebirth, foretelling victory over Bartertown.
"This you knows: the years travel fast and time after time I done the tell. But this ain't one body's tell; it's the tell of us all, and you've got to listen it and 'member, 'cause what you hears today you gotta tell the birthed tomorrow. I's lookin' behind us now, into history back. I sees those of us that got the luck and started the haul for home and I 'members how it led us here and how we was heartbroke 'cause we seen what they once was. One look and we knew'd we'd got it straight. Those what had gone before had the knowin' and the doin' of things beyond our reckonin', even beyond our dreamin'. Time counts and keeps countin' and we knows now, findin' the trick of what's been and lost ain't no easy ride, but that's our trek. We gotta travel it and there ain't nobody knows where it's gonna lead. Still, in all, every night we does the tell so that we 'member who we was and where we came from. But most of all we 'members the man who finded us, him that came the salvage, and we lights the city not just for him but for all of 'em that are still out there, 'cause we knows there'll come a night when they sees the distant light and they'll be comin' home."
5. She Bop
Reproductive guidelines instructing the children to strengthen the tribe with as many new birthed as possible. That and masturbation is cool.
6. All Through The Night
Methods of hunting and guerilla warfare.
7. Change Of Heart
Polygamy is encouraged to strengthen the shallow gene pool.
8. True Colors
Lauper's task for the ferals, encouraging them to fight the Bartertown tribe to acquire more colorful decorations.
9. What's Going On
Instructions to keep a strong oral record of events for future generations.
10. I Drove All Night
Tales of the messiah road warrior, Captain Walker.
11. That's What I Think
A collection of laws and rituals.
12. Sally's Pigeons
Legend of the exodus from the desert by flight, and a warning that not all will complete the journey.
13. Hey Now (Girls Just Want To Have Fun)
Restatement of the importance of a wild, feminist society.
14. Come On Home
Call to return to the urban wasteland.
Internal Conflict and Sects[edit | edit source]
Over time different interpretations of Twelve Deadly Cyns by feral shamans has led to rival sects that often clash with each other resulting in bloody battles. Many conflicts are simply a result of the uneducated, childlike, and anarchic feral society. Some ferals, called Goonies and easily differentiated by their striking pirate regalia, only adhere to Lauper's Flying Spaghetti Monster teachings from before the Pox-Eclipse. Other tensions originate from the matriarchal requirements outlined in Twelve Deadly Cyns, which often conflicts with the testosterone driven motives of young feral males. Some tribes develop regional peculiarities over time, including the worship of new idols or prophets such as Bugs Bunny. The religion is observed by some feral midgets, but they are far less likely to practice Walkentology than their young cousins.