HowTo:Beat jet lag
Imagine you have just crossed 12 time zones - from the present into the past, or vise versa. Fortunately you have landed. Immediately after disembarkation you feel like there is a mild earthquake taking place, you have to urinate but you don't have to urinate, you feel dirty and look askew. You find yourself in the twilight zone - the Korean DMZ, no! Worse: Customs and Immigration. You have lost all your rights - you're trying to appear innocent even though you've done nothing wrong. So, what’s happening? The beginning of jet lag.
Jet lag is the mental and physical effect on travelers caused by the ICMT-postulation - integral-converse-molecular-transfer or "Time travel", also known as inter-continental flying. Jet lag can be measured by using the common "iQuantum-moleculeometer"[1], but it's rarely 100% accurate except in case of a fatal accident.
Symptoms of jet lag range from death or cardiac arrest caused by bouncing off the cabin roof in mid-ocean dive, all the way to simply feeling disoriented seven days after landing. In the case where you safely walk away from the flight, there should be rejoicing with kettle drums, trumpets, and a gong sounding: you are alive!
But subsequent jet lag can be a problem even if you survived. There are a number of ways to "beat" or overcome the more adverse effects of time-travel. And this article is about prevention of jet lag by taking certain precautions before, during and after a successful intercontinental flight.
What is jet lag?
| “ | Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. | ” |
Jet leg results from Time travel -- Example: If you depart Singapore on the 31st of the month, on board a flying time-machine and teleport to Los Angeles, then you have traveled from the present into the past, as you will arrive before you left. But if you depart Los Angeles on the 31st of the month and fly to Singapore, then you travel from the present into the future, and arrive two days ahead of the past. We hope this is quite clear to you.
Passing yourself
If you travel around the World then you're like a time-dog chasing it's tail. And if you fly faster than the speed at which the past is traveling you could even catch up to and pass yourself. If you happen to pass yourself then you will travel out of the future and reach the rear of your past.[2] This is not recommended.
Primary symptoms
Severe
Following are the stages of severe jet lag: 1. Physical shakedown, 2. Mental breakdown, 3. Claustrophobia-panic, 4. Hysteria on free-fall, and 5. Disintegration on impact.
Moderate
Following are the stages of moderate jet lag: 1. Vibrating at 7 on the Richter scale, 2. Migraines, 3. A good chunder, 4. Zombie sleep crawling, 5. Giving confession in a church even though you're a born agnostic, 6. Overall incontinence, 7. Loss of passport, and 8. Loss of balance (must lie down, immediately).
Mild
Following are the stages of mild jet lag: 1. An extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to living, 2. Loss of libido and lumbago, 3. Loss of common-sense perception, 4. Loss of sanity, 5. Looking at holiday advertisements from around the world, 6. Considering further time travel, and 7. Joining Masochists Anonymous, and saying, "Hi! My name is (insert name), and I'm a masochist!"
Pictorial history of jet lag causing time-machines
Time travel - through the ages:
Modern time travel
Futuristic time travel
Ultimate time travel
How to reduce jet lag
Before teleportation
Be on the safe side and cancel your trip immediately, be late and miss your flight, send your suitcase ahead on a test flight, send your wife ahead on another test flight, send your kids ahead on yet another test flight, and now figure the odds are stacked against you, go home, and send your family a post card.
During teleportation
Don't forget to wear a parachute and goggles and you'll be the only survivor. Just imagine how people will stop laughing at you when the plane starts to go down. Also don’t eat or drink airline food or water, don't hear airline music or watch airline movies, don't breath airline air or use airline toilet, don't drop airline acid or snort airline coke, don't light farts in airline seat, don't shag a airline host, hostess, or pilot, take 6 grams of Xanax, take 3 ounces of Horse Tranquilizer, and 'double' yourself when sleeping.
After teleportation
Remember that there is no earthquake taking place, read the local news paper, sleep for 48 hours, eat only yogurt and papayas, sleep another 48 hours, drink a Red Bull, and think, Glory hallelujah - I survived!
Person experiencing jet lag
The success of all the above methods depends on the condition of the living being. If the flight was unsuccessful then the question of avoiding jet lag doesn't arise because you are dead. In fact, being dead is the most extreme symptom of jet lag known to medical science, and should be avoided at all costs, which includes wearing a parachute and goggles on board. But if you survive the flight then you can reduce the effects of jet lag by following this simple guide.
Also see
The Past • Back to the Future • Bill & Ted • Blackadder • Butterfly effect • Doctor Who • Dude, Where's My Time Machine? • End of Time • Flux capacitor • Future Santa • Ghost of Christmas Past • HowTo:Beat jet lag • HowTo:Go back in time and assassinate Hitler • HowTo:Travel Through Time • International Date Line • The IATT • Laws of Time Travel • SIDRAT • Space-Time Collapse • Stargate • STL • TARDIS • Temporal paradox • Temporal Prime Directive • Time machine • Time Travel Patents • Uncertainty Principle • Wayback Machine • The Present • UnBooks:Instant Messaging Translation Guide for 19th Century English Gentlemen • UnBooks:The Complete Asshole's Guide to Time Travel • UnNews:Correspondent travels back in time... • What If?:Dentists could time travel? • Why?:Won't time travel be invented? • Why?:Time Travel is Impossible • Why?:You Should Never Mess with the Space Time Continuum • The Future
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Featured on the 22nd of May 2010 |
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