Antitheism
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Antitheism is the sister religion of Atheism that came into being at around 42 BC. Antitheists believe in Athe but worship her older sister Antithe. Antitheism should not be confused with anti-he-ism - an extreme form of feminism.
The Antitheist Doctrine[edit | edit source]
Antitheists agree with Atheists that Athe exists and doesn't wish to be bothered by the problems of puny humans but they don't believe that Athe is perfect, just stuck up. Because they see no potential reward from worshipping Athe they instead worship her older sister Antithe. Antithe is generally veiwed as being much sluttier and looser than her sister and is believed to often indulge in alcohol and drugs. Antithe is also depicted as being much less vengeful.
Antitheists are often opposed to other religions such as Christianity and Islam because they teach morals that oppose the behaviors that Antithe approves and lead you into an unfufilling life .
While Athe is believed to exist in the human incarnation of Amber Heard (by anyone other than atheists, who don't believe that), Antithe is believed to have possessed several vessels over the years (by anyone other than antitheists, who violently oppose the belief). According to the mythology, Antithe possesses the body of a female celebrity, binges on alcohol, drugs, and sex, then searches for a new vessel while the old one goes through Rehab. Previous vessels of Antithe have included Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, and Lindsay Lohan. According to prophesy, Antithe will next possess the body of Miley Cyrus.
Antitheist Views on...[edit | edit source]
...Afterlife[edit | edit source]
Antitheists believe that Athe created the realms of Heaven and Hell and restricts them both. However, they believe that if they worship Antithebdubzand live life as she would that she might sneak you into Heaven when Athe isn't looking
...Abortion and Gay Marriage[edit | edit source]
Antitheists have no problem with either, in fact it's believed that Antithe has had several of both.
“Eh, Whatever”
...Creation[edit | edit source]
Antitheists believe that Antithe created the universe when she was high, thus explaining some of the crazier laws of physics like String Theory.
...Evangelism[edit | edit source]
Antitheists try to spread the word of Antithe by "deconverting" members of other religions. "Deconverting" is considered less of a ministry than a form of recreation by most antitheists, and is all the more enjoyable for them as it can be performed from the basements of their mother's house. Methods of deconversion include:
- Taking random verses from the Bible, usually the Old Testament, out of context and telling Christians how terrible they sound
- Delivering long rants on blogs and forums about how Antithe is the only truth
- Going on Amazon.com or the Internet Movie Database and bashing books and movies that are contrary to Antitheistic beliefs
- Insulting people's intelligence and calling them "irrational", "stupid" and "poo-poo heads."
While most of these "deconversion" tactics are aimed at Christians, antitheists swear they will get to the Muslims next, because, after all, Christians are obviously the more immediately threatening.