American Revolution
 | This article may be Overly British |
- This article is about political and social developments, and the origins and aftermath of the war. For military actions, see American Revolutionary War. For other uses, see American Revolution (disambiguation).
| {{{battle_name}}} | |
|---|---|
 Pope Sealdict the CIVILI about to condmem the Brits in 1775. | |
| Conflict: {{{conflict}}} | |
| Date: {{{date}}} | |
| Place: American America | |
| Outcome: The rebel scum are victorious though Britain won a tactical victory. American secured her rights to be the world's only "Land of the Fat, Home of the Nukes". | |
| Combatants | |
| {{{combatant1}}} | {{{combatant2}}} |
| Commanders | |
| Lil Wayne | Sir Plunkett Lilywhite |
| Strength | |
| 5 Farmers and 12 Rabbits plus Help from FRANCE. Yes that France, and pretty much every country that had beef with Britain at that time. | Far fewer than the Americans. |
| Casualties | |
| 300,000 people and 233 eagles | 3 cripples, a duck and 843 polar bears |
“I don't know what others may take, but as for me: Give me Liberty, or Give me Death!”
The American Revolution (more appropriately known as the "War of Colonial Aggression") was a hoax made by Russell Crow to increase ticket sales for his meat-themed amusment park. It is the most important thing that has ever happened in all history in the whole world. Ever.
Intermediate Causes of the Conflict (Revised and Approved by the American Government)
Americans had always lived in America, alongside their friends from India whom they loved and respected. However, peace shattered as smelly short men with hideous 3rd-century accents came from Britland, formally declaring "WHA' IN THA BLOODY 'ELL IS WRONG WITH YOO YANKS?! GAWD! YOO SMELL LIKE BLOODY SOAP!" and were inches away from declaring war on the peace-loving U.S. victims, saying Americans are too violent to run a country, and are stupid because the computers and microwaves they invented have too many buttons, which is why we leave it to the Koreans today.
If there really was a war of this suckitude, everyone would be dead of boredom right now.
Anger grew with the American colonists as well during the 1970's, particularly after British soldiers accidentally massacred most of Boston's citizens in 1470 in the mistaken belief that they were the vanguard of a demonic army invading earth from another dimension, when really it was the members of the band styx and they realized that it was not a mistake at all. Its leading adherents were George Washington, originally a chimney sweep from New York, Benjamin Franklin, a restaurant critic and bon viveur, Thomas Jefferson, who later founded the rock band 'Jefferson Airplane', Thomas "Big Sugar" Paine, a successful pimp and John Freakin' Adams who later became president of ASS. These men constituted the cream of American society, and with their backing, the movement for independence from Britain began to gain momentum.
The main problem facing the colonists was how to achieve their aims against overwhelming odds. The British army was well trained and equipped with the latest weaponry, such as pigs with lasers strapped to their backs, and the British navy stood astride the world like a giant inflatable floating wall with cannons. In stark contrast, the American army in 1770 consisted solely of a man named Cletus, whose weaponry consisted of an old musket with no trigger and a hamster with a sharpened stick strapped to his back. Obviously military might alone was not going to succeed in overthrowing the British, and so it fell to the colonist leaders to come up with an alternative plan.
The Colonist Leaders Come Up with an Alternative Plan
In 1773, 200 American leaders, thinkers and casual droppers-in met in Frigid, New Jersey to discuss the problem. George Washington suggested dropping the Atomic Bomb on London, but abandoned his idea when reminded that there was no Air Force. Paine was in favour of trying to infect as many of the British soldiers with syphilis as possible, and had to be reminded that syphilis was a slow acting disease. Thomas Jefferson suggested that it might be a good idea to throw some tea into the sea, or something, but it was generally agreed that this was a stupid idea, at which point Jefferson went to his room in a huff, got stoned and ended up writing White Rabbit. (This would later become the American national anthem.) However, it was a stroke of genius from the scientifically minded Franklin which carried the day. His speech to the other leading colonists is learnt by every American school child, even today.
"Gentleman, we are up #### creek without the proverbial paddle. We can't hope to fight the Brits. Those DIRTY BASTERDS have got the guns and they've got the numbers, plus the perfidious bastards would probably do something sneaky like bribe Mexico to shaft us from behind. "I know" said sam adams, "lets build a 10 ft. fence across the border." THAT is the dumbest idea I have ever heard, any idiot would know that they would just dig tunnels. No, the only solution is a Revolution, in the most literal sense of the word".
"Whatever do you mean?" quoth Washington.
"Fine sirs, as Archimedes once said 'give me a big enough lever and a solid place to stand and I could move the Earth'. Gentlemen, I do not intend to move the Earth, but to revolve America"!
"Bitch, mofo!" exclaimed Paine.
To awed silence, Franklin fully explained his plan - using a lever constructed from 'Old ######## the tallest Giant Redwood in America, and employing the labour of as many men who would volunteer and as many slaves who wouldn't, he intended to fully revolve America until it faced in the opposite direction. When the British landed in what they thought was the East Coast, they would actually find themselves on the West coast, at that time inhabited only by Indians and surfers, both of whom were deemed expendable. The British would then either have to go home or march across the whole continent, during which time it would be possible to build up the American army to the point where it would be able to defeat the worn out British when they arrived. Either way, America would be free to enjoy all the blessings of independence, such as gun crime, over-eating and driving a Hummer on the right side of the road, all of which were illegal under British rule.
Some questions were asked of the plan by the gathered dignatories. Buford Tweaker, a landowner from Tennessee asked what was to be done about the significant number of British troops already garrisoned in America. Franklin replied that since the British were so unsporting as to outnumber the American soldiers, it would only be fair to slit their throats while they slept. Balthazar Bon-Jovi, a lawyer from Rhode Island asked what was to be done for his homies, since Rhode Island would not be included in the Revolution. Franklin answered that Rhode Island would be attached to the mainland by sturdy ropes, and would thus be towed along as it was revolving. Tecwin Wittock, from Pennsylvania suggested that situating the American populace on the West Coast would risk future conflict with Japan , but he was laughed out of the assembly, and one wise old patrician was heard to say "the Japanese indeed! What - will they throw rice at us?".
With the plan agreed on, all that was needed was a formal Declaration of Independence from Britain. This was ratified in 1776, by which time Franklin's plan was well under way. As the last of the delegates at the Pennsylvania State House signed the hallowed document, the teams of white volunteers and non-white non-volunteers began to heave on the giant lever, sticking into the sea at Plymouth Rock, chosen for its symbolic reasons and because there was an nice little restaurant there which had the best oysters which Franklin had ever tasted. At first, as the men strained - nothing. But then, with a creaking, groaning sound comparable to that of an arthritic old man getting his rocks off, America began to move. A huge cheer went up - the American Revolution had begun!
The War of Colonial Aggression Begins
When King George of Britain heard the news, he let out a creaking, groaning sound comparable to the earlier creaking, groaning sound and immediately ordered the British Army to embark on the journey to America.(At this time, King George was in the shower with his secret wife,Sailor Moon) The Army, led by Sir Plunkett Lilywhite arrived in 1782 (sea travel taking a long time in those days). To their bewilderment, they found themselves not in New York, their intended destination, but in California. Not sure how to proceed, Lilywhite conducted a brief war against the local surfer tribes. However, after the Battle of Little Bigwave (1782), Lilywhite was informed of what had transpired by a passing surfboard merchant from the east named Benedict Arnold. On hearing that his intended opponents were on the other side of the continent, Lilywhite resolved to march his army across North America at once.
Things did not go to plan for Lilywhite. Almost half of his men, on hearing of the long march ahead deserted and took up cannabis farming in a small town that later became known as San Francisco. The men who stayed loyal endured heat, cold, ice, drizzle, wind, and a general lack of modern amenities. They were forced to eat the pigs with the lasers strapped to their backs, rendering the lasers useless. Their number rapidly dwindled due to disease and Lilywite's insistence that any man found pleasuring himself himself be immediately shot. The remaining men built makeshift rafts and took to the water in the hope that this would speed their journey. Instead they found themselves terrorised by hillbilly partisans, who took potshots from the trees and whose banjo playing struck fear into the hearts of even the bravest man. Lilywhite himself was briefly captured and buggered, before being rescued by his men.
The War of Colonial Aggression Ends Some Time Later
The ragged remnants of the British force (Lilywhite, his personal man servant Fred, and 3 soldiers whose names have sadly been lost to posterity) arrived at Yorktown, Virginia in 1783 to face off with George Washington. Faced by the American army, whose weaponry had now been upgraded to a rusty pistol and a dog with a knife strapped to its back, Lilywhite had no choice but to surrender to this overwhelming might. The war was over. Shortly thereafter, France surrendered. Benjamin Franklin's plan had worked. The American Revolution had achieved independence for the colonists. When King George heard the news he was so angry that he ordered the immediate invasion of India, Africa, Australia, and the Falkland Islands. Little did he know that less than 200 years hence the USA would have taken over as the world's most powerful nation and would be continuing the fine British tradition of invading other countries.
War of Colonial Aggression II: The British Strike Back
Angered with their defeat at the Death Star, the British sent probe droids to discover the Americans' hidden base on the Ice Planet Alaska. Later it is revealed that George III is actually George Washington's father after Washington becomes the apprentice of a swamp muppet and catches a beer with Billy Dee Williams.
This is sometimes known as the War of 1812.
Paul Revere
The American Army was a great horde, comprised of the barbarian hordes of all known dimensions and several secret dimensions. In the year 1775.34252345 Paul Revere made his famous night ride, originally intending to go to IHOP to satisfy his amorous desires (at this time IHOP was owned by the International House of Prostitutes). After being stopped by British soldiers on the road to the Boston IHOP, and given a full cavity search for stolen tea, Revere fled the British. Galloping across the countryside, pursued by British, Revere was heard to yell "The British Are Coming", this was mistaken as the attack signal for the American army, and headcrab militias. To this day, it is a popular misconception that Paul Revere shouted during his ride that "kicks just keep getting harder to find."
The Boston Massacre
A common mistake many historians make is that the COLONIALS were massacred at Boston, this is a lie. The British were slaughtered at Boston by the elite werewolf hunters, known as the Sons of Liberty (Liberty being a slightly overweight prostitute in Barbados). For some time, the colonials had been preparing for the British invasion, charging their laser rifles, preparing their energy legs, and melting down all the silver ware in the city into bullets in order to combat the British Werewolf Brigade, otherwise known as the Irish Long rifles. Benjamin Franklin in fact planned a preemptive strike on the British, the colonists were made to watch the Old North Church, lanterns hung in the steeple were to tell them from where the British were to attack, one if by land, two if by sea, and THREE IF BY THE LIGHT OF THE FULL MOON!!!! This tactic worked as the British Werewolf Brigade was slaughtered by the Colonial Zombie hordes, and their silver bullets. Shortly after the Boston Massacre Sauron the great gave unto the colonials nine rings of power, which turned the founding fathers into Nazgul who overran all of Quebec with armies of Combine soldiers. (Quebec was not kept by the Colonials because of its high French population). The British retreated to their fortress at Helm's Deep and thanks to the dark powers of the one ring, the revolution was declared a Colonial victory. Divers have recently discovered that the containers that were pushed over the sides during the “Boston Tea Party” was in fact coffee and not tea. Meaning that all US subjects should abandon coffee and only drink tea.
Additional Theories to the end of the War of Colonial Aggression
Although some people are convinced by the truth listed in this article, a select few people have another theory to the result of the American Revolution. One is this: At Yorktown, British General Cornwallis had himself pitted in a corner against the American rebels. Fear of defeat, Cornwallis had decided to see if he could secretly pull of a dangerous yet somewhat effective Epic Manuver. Halo 3 was recently released on the Xbox 360, making huge success. So Cornwallis challenge American Leader George Washington to a match in Halo 3. They met over Xbox live (which was a long piece of steel wool connecting their Xbox 360s together. They played a match, but as Cornwallis took his cutlass (equivalent of an Energy Sword), Washington was camping a corner with his musket (euivilent of a BR, or an AR, or maybe even a Magnum) and shot him (back then, Spartans didn't have the Mjolnir armor they had today, they had Cardboard boxes). He died. Defeated, he got pissed off and ran to George Washington's house and tried to kill him, but was shot with a real musket instead. This is how the battle of Yorktown was really won, or so some may say.
Another theory holds that none of the above happened. Instead, Cornwallis, while hopped up on sugar and caffeine, pulled his shirt over his head and began babbling incoherently. He made his way to Washington's camp at Yorktown, and stole the American general's hat. Eventually, Cornwallis was tracked down and captured. He was brought to Washington's tent, where he initially demanded TP for his bunghole, but eventually surrendered. When Washinton demanded his hat back, Cornwallis refused, and wondered if the Americans were threatening him. Seeing that he was out of his mind, the Americans reluctantly let him go, as Yorktown was theirs.
The Ensuing Anglo-American War
Having been unable to defeat the American reversed continental army, formally referred to as the latnenitnoc,in the revolutionary war, a state of war was declared between Great Britain and the reformed and reversed ASU in 1812 to settle border disputes.
Invading from British Canada, the British now fully aware of the pivoting of the American continent, used established bases to carry out a pronged strike into American territory. The British army managed to defeat all the fledging attacks from the latnenitnoc army, which despite having been able to develop its army unhindered for almost 40 years, hadn't modernised or expanded beyond its revolutionary beginnings. This is most probably due to the emergence of a twisted version of Rugby, called "ALL-AMERICAN-FOOT-BALL!!!" where the players wear over-protective padding and headgear and strut around throwing the ball outside the sidelines every few minutes to attempt to see who can do it the most.
With the American forces in full retreat, the British succeeded in capturing New York, Philadelphia and Washington, but found them emptied, as a mass exodus of the local population had occurred prior to their arrival. American citizens had fled the cities fearing a return to the despised state of law and order, and tradition of eating Sunday roasts that British troops and law enforced.
Much appalled at this the general of the British force the Duke of Wellington ordered the burning of the whitehouse, the chopping down of the famous redwood pivot at plymouth rock and imposed new taxes on windows and clocks.
The fled American government had relocated to Yorktown, for historical significance and inspiration in aiming to defeat the British. The government debated what to do for three long days, with members in constant debate about what to do. The famous patriot Mel Gibson, proposed the notion of swimming to Hawaii to escape the superior British forces, while others called for America to arm all its cats and dogs and march against the British. On the third and final day, a desiscion was finally reached, all civilians were to be evacuated south or Virginia in case the British used their horrific weather-machine to try and turn the ASU into a huge ice glacier, while the remainder of the American forces were to reform at Yorktown, where they would rearm and all the AMERICAN FOOT-BALLS were to be baynonetted to prevent soldiers from being distracted. The government called upon its most prestigious general, Justin Timberlake in the meantime to formulate a battle plan and overcome this new window-limiting and clock-oppressive tyranny that lacked representation.
Timberlake thought long and hard about how to defeat the British, disappearing into his study in Exmouth House, Yorktown, for a further two days, where he made some detailed tactical drawings of a squirrel before leaving the ASU for Mexico to set up a band called "Los N-Syncos". So instead, the American government offered a truce to the British to place the border between Canada and the ASU along the 52nd parallel. A smart move, as the British had wanted more, but George Washington was quick to point out that Great Britain was under threat of being boned by ol' Boney in the Napoleonic Wars. The Duke of wellington curtly accepted their offer and left the ASU at once to defend the British rear from being so improperly shafted by the French threat, taking the charred White house, and redwood pivot back to Britain to be housed in the British History Museum. These artifacts can still be found today alongside countless other relics and nostalgia rightfully taken from destinations the world over.
See also
- HowTo:Host a Boston Tea Party
- Timeline of the American Revolution
- Diplomacy in the American Revolutionary War
- Founding Fathers of the United States
- Second American Revolution
- War of 1812
External links
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