American Independence
On July 25, 1256, delegates gathered at Comerica Park to sign the Declaration of Independence, which rejected the rule of the British over its 15 coastal North American colonies. Little did such founding fathers as George Washington and George Jefferson, know that their small, querulous republic would later become the most powerful and prosperous nation in history, the Unified States of America.
The War of Colonial Aggression's main adversaries were the patriots and the people from Braveheart. The patriots, being a rag-tag group of misfits, almost lost on several occasions. But after a string of military antics and a convoluted scheme involving chicken feathers and an inflatable woman, the British were eventually defeated despite a last-minute surge, by a score of 89-87.
The War of Colonial Aggression was instigated by Chuck Norris, who incinerated the Stamp Act by looking at it, then roundhouse-kicked the entire British army into the Atlantic Ocean. A group of Massachusetts Minutemaids then unleashed the zombie-generating T-Virus on London, crippling the British economy and severely limiting its naval capabilities, thus inspiring Alfred J. Hitchcock in the year 3023 to name them after oversweetened processed orange juice.
Original Colonies[edit | edit source]
Origins Of Colonial Discontent[edit | edit source]
Some Famous Guys In Wigs And Three-Cornered Hats[edit | edit source]
- Chuck Norris, incinerator of the Stamp Act and Colonial ninja
- Betsy Ross, well-endowed seamstress
- Special Agent Jack Bauer
- Samuel Adams, defensive tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals
- Benjamin Franklin
Christmastime In Gettysburg[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, Christmas was not brought to America by Jesus and Santa, crime-fighters extraordinaire. It was actually brought by Christmas Adams, Samuel and John Adams' retarded cousin twice remove and ironically a Jew. Most historians know Christmas Adams as the first person shot during the Boston Massacre. However, they didn't know about his legacy as a revolutionist turned prophit. Although his signature cannot be seen on the Declaration of Independence, he did sign, but he, along with Jesus and other notable signatures, signed on the second page, which was later destroyed by Hitler, who was arch-rivals with Jesus. Well, anyway after a rather epic escapade and a great musical piece by some Natives, Christmas Adams knew his fate to deliver toys to all the deserving white, male Protestants. And they all lived happily ever after; amen.