User:One-eyed Jack/Red Bull
“Never should a drunk man have that much energy...”
“IneverhadaRedBullbeforebutIhadaRedBulllast night.IreallylikeRedBull.”
“I had a Red Bull before I got my Blue Ox. bitch kept flying away.”
“It'll give you wings...”
“Well, actually, RedBull helps temporarily restore wakefulness when experiencing fatigue or drowsiness. Just so you know omg lol :P”
“Red Bull is just carbonated urine, but I did fly a few feet in the air though”
“Red Bull doesn't really give you wings”
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Red Bull was created by Jesus. Generally accepted as being the third most addictive substance known to man, behind Crack and that Really Cheap Cola with the funny name that Your mom buys at the supermarket, as a result five out of two cafes would rather sell Yogilates. Red Bull owns soccer teams in New York City and Salzburg, Austria.
Red Bull is said to be so delicious, God added an eleventh commandment forbidding it. However, critics claim that it is so foul that it came from the scabby, poop-encrusted backside of Satan himself. Both are wrong, it was dropped down from mount olympus by Zues himself. Pegasus peed in it giving it a citrusy flavor and the ability to give you wings.
In countries like Iceland, Red Bull is forbidden because when mixed with high amounts of fishliveroil it can cause internal combustion. However, you can geti it in The DRAGON in the french step.
The belief that Red Bull gives you wings (also called "Redbullwingageism") is a central tenet of hundreds of religions throughout the world. I believe it. However, the company that produces Red Bull has tried to discourage the myth its drink can cause you to take flight, has sponsored Redbull Flugtag, an event in which people jump off high towers in an attempt to show they can fly after drinking Red Bull. Of course, those who jump off the towers without some kind of glider fall 40 feet into the water below and prove that Red Bull does not cause you to fly. In some recent cases, however, people have developed wings. However, the dosage required is extreme and the wings are cancerous, but i love mine.
Background[edit | edit source]
Red Bull is an orgasm in a liquid form which is amazing. Throughout history mankind has used psychoactive substances to stimulate or sedate itself. This is because mankind, as a whole, lives in the real world, and most of the time wishes that it didn't.
The hallucinogenic stew known as Red Bull, sold in cans to those over eighteen or with a parent, is merely the latest in this historical series of stimulative substances.
Red Bull is also the second most consumed beverage/drug in the United States of Canada right after beer.
It's the safest energy drink, compared to Cocaine Bull.
The main reason for its popularity is the attractive nubile women chosen to represent it to young boys in dance clubs.
Ingredients[edit | edit source]
Red Bull relies on the synergistic effects of several stimulant chemicals. A principle ingredient is the South American psychosis-inducing drug called ayahuesca, made by squeezing fluid from the pancreas of a female coypu killed during estrus. The happy natives of Amazonas use ayahuesca to alleviate the existentialist nausea they feel after disembowelling their enemies.
The ayahuesca interacts with another main ingredient of Red Bull, glucuronolactone, to produce an effect "...like having wasps doing a tango with cleats in your brain." Because the female coypu's pancreas anahaldyzes glucose, the ayahuesca derived from the pancreas similarly reacts with the glucuronolactone to produce potassium cyanide.
Other ingredients which contribute to the psychoactive properties of Red Bull are trinitrotoulene, caffeinated radium, Linux, a green bull and does not have any crack coicane. And for all the people that believed it did you are all 13itches Also known to be made from Red.
Red Bull is also rumored to be created by the distillation of Chuck Norris's urine. This is also true.
Physiological Effects[edit | edit source]
Red Bull stimulates the heart, brain, kidneys, navel, Neptune and nipples. It has a contrary sedative effect on the teeth, major bones, and Uranus.
At first the user feels euphoric and energized, then realizes that there really are wasps living in his or her brain. The drinker then attempts to remove the top of his or her skull, simultaneously running in place on a tabletop or counter. The trinitrotoulene then reaches the users' kidneys, and he or she begins to urinate copious amounts of blood-tinged lymphatic fluid.
But soon the Linux kernal boots, and the user is calmed without losing the sense of euphoria. He or she is soon able to access user\root and this allows the pure cane sugar and caffeinated radium to convert the central nervous system to jellied protoplasmic debris.
My friend once drank Red Bull the entire weekend and had his scrotum triple in size. A doctor had to drain the excessive fluids that had coagulated in his scrotum, and to this day his left testicle is still larger, and dangles lower than his right testicle, leading people to start calling him "lefty".
This manhood-enlarging effect of Red Bull is to be focused on in the coming wave of advertising for the drink.
Product Development[edit | edit source]
Dietrich Mateschitz had a long layover in Manaus during a trip to recover the stepchild of his girlfriend's brother (long, irrelevant story) and observed natives drinking an ayahuesca-based drink they called amor do coypu (in American, Muskrat Love). This reminded him of a visit to Thailand during his pursuit of his grandmother's maiden nephew-in-law, and watching the Thais drink a beverage they called krating daeng ("cratered brain").
On returning to his secret laboratory in the sewers of New York, Mateschitz mixed a brew of ayahuesca, khat, codeine, espresso, and Iceland honey. Upon sampling it his muscles bulged up, his skin turned green, and he got a whopping erection. Three days later he awoke in the chimpanzee cage at the Philadephia zoo, cradled in the arms of Bruce Banner.
And Red Bull Energy Drink was born. The Dr. Mateschitz tweaked the formula considerably before commercial production, eliminating the khat and codeine and adding the other ingredients in the final recipe.
- Note: The true origins of this drink, although widely believed to be created by Dietrich Mateshitz, are unknown. There is a theory in circulation, mainly among the society of homeless, unemployed and comic book addicts, that it was infact first developed in ancient Japan by a French witch-doctor named Get'a-fix.
Red Bull Creation Myths[edit | edit source]
Few believe it, but Red Bull was originally an Asian drink, created by the goddess Kwan-Yin (Goddess of Mercy) who took pity on the poor tired workers of Asian countries, and created the caffeinated drink as a pick-me-up to help them through their days. It was only because of an Austrian capitalist that the blessing of Red Bull came to the West and became Christianized.
Another theory that has been developed by coked-up monkeys is that Red Bull was a design developed by Josef Stalin. He created a liquid that once drunk by a person will make that person see sudden appearances of communist leaders on billboards. The going-crazy of George Bush has been attributed to this phenomenon by many who have heard of the theory. By seeing communist leaders pop up on random occasions Stalin hoped he could grow more popular. According to the monkeys something totally unexpected is what is actually reached by drinking Red Bull. At first you only see communist leaders, but because of the Side effects caused by the presence of Nos and Fly agaric in Red Bull people quickly start seeing communists perverting themselves in the presence of gay priests and world leaders. George Bush once saw a gay priest raping Lenin while Saddam Hussein was riding on a unicycle. Now because riding unicycles in the USA is penalized with the death penalty and gay priests are terribly shocking George Bush became a satanist and started the offense against religion. The reasoning behind the theory is that a bull has horns and the devil also and red is usually associated with communism so that Occam's Razor proofs that this theory is correct, at least according to monkey logic. With human logic you can only deduce that Josef Stalin's sexual relation with Bill Clinton spawned Saddam Hussein and George Bush. This theory was fronted by the coked-up monkeys and orange soda drinkers in an attempt to discredit the honor of Red Bull.
However, new evidence traces Red Bull's origins back to Franz Ferdinand, the creator of god. For this cardinal sin, Gavrillo Princip shot him in Sarajevo, leading to World War 1.
Myths about Red Bull[edit | edit source]
ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT[edit | edit source]
"DRINKING REDBULL GAVE ME A 15 INCH PENIS AND BONERS NON STOP!!! DRINK REDBULL ITS WORTH IT THE $1.99....SO DO IT DRINK REDBULL AND WHIP YOUR COCK OUT!!!!"
This is a myth about Red Bull popularized by teenagers who are virgins to both Red Bull and sex.
Red Bull killed Kennedy[edit | edit source]
A myth inspired by conspiracy freaks hoped up on too much Rockstar energy drink. Red Bull didn't shoot Kennedy from the soda machine in the Texas School Book Supository; Red Bull wasn't even invented then.
WaNT a PeNIS? DRINK RED BULL!!1[edit | edit source]
This is what the guys at Red Bull got when they gave a virgin teenage Russian hacker permission to create a spam mail advertising campaign. Like all spam, it was deleted when the word "PENIS" was read. Because of this failure, the disastrous Austrian-Russian War of 2006 occurred, in which millions of Russian hackers were bludgeoned to death by Austrians wielding Red Bull cans. The war however gained no attention, as it was only spammers who were killed.
Red Bull is made of crushed bull testicles[edit | edit source]
A myth told to a PETA member as a joke one April Fools, but the PETA member couldn't tell it was a joke, and now the whole organization takes this myth serious. They've started an Internet campaign called "The Holocaust In Your Can", comparing Red Bull factories to Auschwitz. However, sane people who view this site see there is no information whatsoever, and a Red Bull plant is nothing like Auschwitz.
Drinking Red Bull and eating Pop Rocks will make your head explode[edit | edit source]
Actually, that's not a myth, that's Austria's plan for weapons of mass destruction. It is also the reason George Bush went retarded.
Red Bull and The Stig caused 9/11[edit | edit source]
Even though most people think that Kyle was the cause of 9/11 this is wrong. He did not the brains to plan it. This is the real story.
One day the The Stig was on a wombat hunt in Iceland when he met up with Kumar. Kumar as always was holding a Red Bull, which is why he is screw up. ( although being Indian does not help). Not knowing what he was doing the he gave The Stig some Red Bull. The Stig drank the substance and he mistakenly masterminded the entire attack. Once he he had the attack planed perfectly he sold the plans to Kyle who then used them. Although Kyle did not read the instructions properly and therefore he did not eliminate the huge portrait of himself that was created by the smoke. Cartman picked up on this and the rest is history
Red Bull is Chuck Norris's piss[edit | edit source]
This is pure myth. There is no container which can contain the essence of Chuck Norris. If you could drink Chuck Norris's piss you would instantly turn into a copy of Chuck Norris and would get into a fight with the real Chuck Norris. And then you would round house each other and the awesome power of 2 CNRHKs would end time and the only thing that could survive is the real Chuck Norris, unless of course, the REAL Chuck Norris drinks it, and copies himself. Then, then what will you do?
What People Are Saying About Red Bull[edit | edit source]
“Okay.........Where the fly are my wings!?! ”
“Red Balls! It gives me wiiings!”
“Red Bull... It Gives You Things!”
“I quit the USA team because I wanted to coach something with a little more Bull.”
“I thought that Red Bull would cure my manic- depressive antics for good- it only lead to further depression and occasional public rape-THANKS RED BULL”