User:Hell0ihateyou/Ugg Boots

Ugg Boots
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Animalia Division: Bootus Class: Jewish Order: Hideous Footus Family: Uglyus Genus: Ugg
Ugg Boots

Ugg Boots are a rare species found in southern California and Long Island, New York, though recently there have been sightings of wild Uggs in suburbs across America. Ugg Boots are highly dangerous, as they attach themselves onto teenage girls' feet and release a deadly poison that destroys the Amino acids in their DNA and replaces it with Ugg DNA. If infected, the foot could obtain a rash, resulting in peace-sign shaped welts on the skin. Much like the Poison Dart Frog, they come in a variety of bright colors and furs in order to attract their prey. The first Uggs can be traced back to Australia, yet their numbers there steadily declined after sailors captured them and brought them to America.

Uggs in America

After they were brought to America, Ugg boots were mainly used for decoration and their pelts. Some people still own stuffed Ugg boots over their fireplace. This practice stopped after scientists discovered how dangerous they were. Hundreds of bounty hunters were commissioned to kill off the remaining Uggs, yet not all of them were killed. Very few escaped into the wild. It was not until around 2003 that Ugg boots were sighted again. The numbers of Ugg boots dramatically increased, and eventually they migrated into southern California and Long Island, preying on girls ages 9 - 17. Conspiracy theorists have suspected that the Bush administration authorized the breeding of Ugg boots in order to control American youth, yet when asked about the growing numbers of Uggs, he responded with "Cowboy boots are made of cow. That's why they call them cowboy boots. But they're not made of boys. I think."

Corporations such as Hot Topic and Abercrombie & Fitch have used Ugg crossbreeding for some of their products. In early 2006, there were rumours swirling about a Hot Topic controversy involving Pete Wentz having sex with a wild Ugg boot for Hot Topic, but Hot Topic thoroughly denied these allegations. Pete Wentz was not available for comment, because he was too busy applying his guyliner.

Symptoms of an Ugg Bite

There are many symptoms of an Ugg attack, and some are more obvious than others. Here are the main symptoms:

- You find yourself adding an extra letter at the end of every word, e.g. "Heyy, whatsupp"

- You wear more eyeliner than necessary.

- When you go into Abercrombie & Fitch, you don't smell anything.

- On second thought, if you go into Abercrombie & Fitch in the first place.

- You have a MySpace.

- You have a MySpace.

- You have a MySpace.

- You enjoy taking pictures of yourself in the mirror while pouting and giving the peace sign.

- You speak American, not English.

- Your sexual orientation changes every couple of weeks.

- You have more spandex pants than David Lee Roth.

- You seriously believe that "xoxo <3" is a type of punctuation.

Treatment for an Ugg Bite

An Ugg bite may give the victim intense satisfaction at first, but in the end they will devour you. If you are bitten, you must act fast and seek help. Most people cannot resist the gratification from an Ugg bite (e.g. popularity, date rape, etc.), and if you're one of them, then fuck you!

Step One: After being bitten, you must remove the Ugg from your ankles. This can be hard, since the Ugg will not willingly let go. You may need some help, and I recommend you call upon Chuck Norris. He'll rip that motherfucker right off your foot. Be careful, once the Ugg is removed from the foot, it might try to bite Chuck Norris. If you make Chuck Norris gay, you will be lynched in front of the whole town by an angry mob in less than seconds flat.

Step Two: Once the Ugg boot is removed from the foot, the poison must be removed from the bloodstream. An Ugg does not have to remain on the foot in order to destroy the DNA, for it releases the poison immediately. If the poison is in the bloodstream for enough time, it will force the victim to go out and buy more Ugg boots. So, anyway, once the Ugg is removed from the foot, you must proceed to remove the poison from the bloodstream. It might be hard to do this, since you will probably be dizzy. For this, I recommend Jenna Jameson. She's a pro at sucking stuff. Literally. She'll suck the poison right out of there. Plus she can blow you after.

Step Three: After Jenna Jameson has sucked the poison out (and the cum as well), you MUST kill the Ugg. This is the only way we can truly fight against the infestation of hundreds of teenage girls across America. You probably won't have the proper weaponry, so for this I recommend Jack Bauer. [[Jack Bauer[[ is the coolest fuckin' guy on the planet. 'Nuff said. Because Jack can do anything. Jack Bauer could kill every Ugg on the planet, stop a nuclear bomb, and do laundry at the same time. By the way, did you see 24 last night? Man, it was awesome.

Step Four: I don't care, do whatever the hell you want. I'm gonna go watch 24.

Death of Steve Irwin

On September 4th, 2006, Australian environmentalist and television star Steve Irwin was bitten in the heart by a wild Ugg, and died shortly after. He was filming a documentary, Stingrays Can't Kill Anyone, and he decided to swim down to a stingray for some footage. As he approached the stingray, the tail went up and tried to spike him in the chest, but failed. Seconds later, a waterproof Ugg boot bit him in the chest, the poison reached his heart, and he died. The event was caught on camera, but the footage was stuffed inside a dead pig and burned in a bonfire on the beach in an Australian ritual. Then they went to Outback Steakhouse.

Those crazy Aussies.

Pamela Anderson Controversy

In 2006, Pamela Anderson, a well-known animal activist, was sighted wearing Ugg boots. The paparazzi proceeded to ask her "Don't you know those things are real?" Thinking they were talking about her huge, firm boobs, she replied "No, they're fake." The photographers insisted, "No, those boots are real Uggs", but Anderson thought they said "No, those boobs are real ugly." Anderson then punched the photographer in the face. She was arrested for assault and had to face 30 days in jail. And what do you think happened there? Yes.

PETA was outraged by the Pamela Anderson ordeal and spoke out against it immediately. Their response was quick and intense. They promptly stood atop the Empire State Building completely naked, with duct tape wrapped around their faces and "IRONY IS THE MOST SINCERE FORM OF TYRANNY" branded on their chests, whilst throwing buckets of animal blood, semen, and feces onto pedestrians below.

Well, what'd you expect, it's PETA!