North Port

North Port is a city in Florida known for its mass population of trees and other wild life, a large collection of senior citizens who hang out by the retirement home, and as a place for ex-cons who wish to separate themselves from society. There is also a large number of retired Dungeon Masters living in the shanty district.

History

After all major wars (including the world wars), heaven was getting over crowded and suddenly experienced a shortage of apartment rooms. And since many non-Christians (Jews, Nazis, Japanese school children, and Dark Lords of the Sith) have died both in World War 2 and the Clone Wars, Hell was experiencing the same predicament. So Jesus and Satan came up with the idea of creating a place on earth in which those who can afford to live a bit longer (senior citizens, mentally challenged toddlers, and illegal immigrants)can do so. And so North Port was founded sometime in the early 1950's. Unfortunately, since not many people knew of North Port at the time (not many do now either) the exact date of its founding is still a mystery. The only ones who do know are Jesus and Satan, but they're not talking, besides they probably forgot. So then in the mid 1950's many old people with uncurable diseases such as cancer, AIDS and the Oompa Loompa Syndrome (OLS) started to migrate to this small and insignificant town for no apparent reason. Everything was going as planned and soon, many apartment complexes were built both in heaven and hell making enough room for the dead with room to spare. Leaving North Port as a small boring town to this day.

North Port's Population

Fifty percent of North Port's population is made up by the senior citizens, thirty percent is made up by Goths and Emo kids, ten percent is made up of ninjas (since ninjas can't be seen under normal conditions, not many know about North Port's ninja population), eight percent is made up of rapists, one percent is made up of the little children who have been raped by these rapists, 0.999999999999% is made up of thespians, while the remaining .0000000000001% is made up of all the individuals who have a fully functional brain and have an IQ greater than ten.

Tallest Building in North Port

The tallest building currently standing in North Port is the North Port Performing Arts Center. It stands at five stories tall which apparently isn't high enough for the local emo kids. Plans for construction on a building that would stand five stories plus an extra inch are currently being made in the city's Building Stuff department or the BS department as many call it. The building will not have any purpose to it. Its just being built to show the world that North Port is capable of building a taller building. Although, many of the engineers working on the building say that the design of the building is perfect for burning all of the useless people of the city. "Useless citizens in the city is currently a big problem, but this useless building may in fact solve it", says one of the engineers who contributed nothing the project so in return is useless himself. The building is scheduled to be completed some time before the Apocalypse.

North Port Youth

Since the city lacks any sort of fun activities for the youth, children resort to doing drugs, vandalising the local retirement home, hanging out at Wal-Mart, raping stray kittens, and repeating dead baby jokes over and over. Old folks find this fair, because they also have nothing better to do except for dreaming that one day, they'll be committed to the Florida State Mental institution for saying that Elvis came over for a nice cup of green tea last week. City officials plan on building a fun center for the troubled youth, but must attend to more important matters first such as community development, fixing old roads, warding off the Ku-Klux-Clan, searching for UFO's, cheating on their spouses, having sex with co-workers, dry humping desks, and calling Wal-Mart everyday to see if the Nintendo Wii is in stock. The city council promises that when all these matters have been resolved, a fun center will be built.

North Port Schools

The schools of North Port are the worst in the country and possibly the world. Never in the history of mankind has anyone seen standaridized test scores so low since George W. Bush took the SAT. Many experts believe that the air in North Port is causing the brains of children to slowly decay, but in a recent experiment involving teens getting paid for going to school. It showed that the reason why test scores are so low is because that kids just don't fucking care about school.

Crime

Due to the boringness of the city, there is very little crime. Most of North Port's crime are caussed by police officers who are bored out of their minds. 80% of the vandalism in the area is committed by the medium-sized tribe of Zerglings in the area which come out of their burrows at night and spread chaos. These Zerglings are rumoured to be under the control of a Russian mad scientist who lives in the Northern Wasteland district. There are rumours of LycanNymphos roaming around North Port (Beware of little green trucks)

Famous People of North Port

Despite the fact that many of the people in city wish to be famous by either humiliating themselves on American Idol, or by running for president, no famous people actually reside in or are from North Port. No famous people have even stopped in the city for some gas. However, Mr. T started an anti-drug campaign in the area that has failed miserably.

North Port Performing Arts Center

As stated earlier, the North Port Performing Arts Center is the tallest building in the city. It is also the most expensive building in the city to have been built. As its name implies , the NPPAC is where the people of the city go to see the fine arts, such as: plays, musicals, concerts, public executions, animal cruelty, dead baby eating contests, fish slapping dances, and heated arguments about what is the best thing to do in World of Warcraft. The PAC is also haunted by the ghost of a native American stand-up comedian/ pimp named Cliff.

Pizza Delivery

North Port does however, have one of the nation's best pizza delivery systems. When questioned, local officials said it could be due to the fact that the pizza drivers use UFOs instead of cars, or that the local pizzerias have finally perfected teleportation. This does not prevent roaches from being found on many of the pizzas, however.

Trivia

• North Port is also another way to say boring.

• The city has no mayor, this is because the city is run by Mexican drug dealers, Russian warlords, senior citizen mafia bosses, Jedi Knights, Wookies,

and thespians.

• The best thing to happen to North Port was World of Warcraft.

• The only things North Port is known for is having too many senior citizens and also having the biggest Wal-mart in the country.

• North Port is so boring, that Jewish people would rather share a room with Hitler than to stay in North Port.

• North Port has no hospital, this is because the city is too poor to afford one, and therefore must rely on Medival techniques for curing diseases such

as cutting one's self and drain out the bad blood (this may explain the large number of emo children)

• The richest person in North Port happens to be Bill Gates' father's uncle's cousin's sister's nephew's English teacher's lawer's stock broker's

kitten's vetrinarian's son.(he happens to be a thespian.

• 99.9% of the city's population is illiterate.

• Many people mistake North Port for the set of the popular T.V. show Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?.

• UFO's are sighted by teens high on LSD everyday in North Port.