Jehovah's Witnesses

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A Jehovah's Witness preaching to an unsuspecting victim in a park

“What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness and an atheist? Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“I came across the ‘Jehovah’s Witness Assembly Hall’ and was struck by the fact they are actually manufactured there.”

~ Jerry Fallwell

“Thou shalt knock on doors and pass out fliers, for the rest of thy days.”

~ God on Jehovah's Witnesses

Also known as the Brotherhood of Door-knockers (note the hyphen), Jehovah's Witnesses are the defense witnesses in an ongoing trademark dispute case in Syria, Israel, the United States of America, Japan, and other Middle Eastern Semitic countries. The second most persecuted religion in the world after Judaism, and the third most arrogant religion after Catholicism and Shia Islam, Jehovah's Witnesses form a sect of Christianity who believes solely in the bible and that all Christians are false witnesses of Jehovah. To strengthen their case, Jehovah's Witnesses try to gain support from strangers and household residents to also testify in the impending court proceeding.

Teachings

Unlike most court witnesses, the literal oath of Jehovah's Witnesses is "the bible, the whole bible, and nothing but the bible". Jehovah's Witnesses claim that this has exactly the same meaning with the common oath of "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." Unlike other Christian sects, Jehovah's Witnesses are the only ones who are able to decipher the bible and literally figure out what it means. They state that this ability to understand the bible comes from their absolute faith in the literal truth of the bible. Jehovah's Witnesses powers include but are not limited to:

• Knocking
• Bible thumping
• Pissing atheists off
• Pissing agnostics off
• Pissing Muslims off
• Pissing Jews off
• Pissing Christians off
• Pissing religious leaders off
• Falling
• Being confused with Mormons
• Getting doors slammed in their face

In addition, Jehovah's Witnesses are also the only major Christian sects who are able to accurately predict the end of the world multiple times, all thanks to the obvious signs presented in the bible. According to their calculations, the end of the world occurred in 1844, 1914, 1975, 2000, and "sometime soon". All of these predictions have come true, because all previous predictions in the bible have indeed came true. Here are the evidence that Armageddon happened at those dates:

• 1337 was the end of the world because in that year, Satan hacked Jehovah's mainframe.
• 1844 was the end of the world because in that year, YMCA was founded, Baha'ism was founded, the founder of Mormonism was killed, and the Telegraph was invented.
• 1914 was the end of the world because in that year, World War I started.
• 1975 was the end of the world because in that year, Microsoft commenced operations, Watergate scandal occurred, Margaret Thatcher was elected, and Robert E. Lee was pardoned.
• 2000 was the end of the world because in that year, everything blew up due to Y2K.

Truth

Jesus was executed on a pole, not a cross. If Jesus was to be executed on a pagan symbol, surely Jesus would have used his supernatural power and alter the shape to a phallic symbol, after all, he was a wizard.

Christian scientists theorize that Jesus was betrayed by a man named Judas, carried up a mountain, forsaken by one of his followers, and slain by Jews. This simply isn't true. Jesus got the death penalty for turning water into wine and selling it on the streets. He did this repeatedly in 1923–1931 when prohibition was in action. He was reported by a regular named Jerry who wanted better prices. Jesus was reluctant to give him said prices. When he asked the president to pardon him, the president had this to say: "I do not know you." This resulted in the death of Jesus. For his execution he was strung on a pole and shot in the arms, then in the legs. In one lone fit of utter stupidity, instead of altering the cartridges of the fire-team to be empty, he gave himself to death's bony, cold hands.

Jesus was an everliving drug dealer. He taught school as his cover, so most remember for his moral teaching. He also claimed to be "the son of God". For some reason people concentrate on that more than his teachings. The Jehovah's Witnesses seem to have the same error. This makes Jesus regularly smite them with bloody noses from doors being slammed in their faces. Since he is a wizard, Jesus is remembered as everyone wants to remember him. If you condoned and practiced child molestation, that's who he was. Jesus is like your mom: Anything you do – no matter how wrong, sick or twisted it is – he supports it.

When you die, you will not go to Hell or Heaven unless you never sin, disobey the ten commandments, or miss church unless absolutely necessary. Instead, when you die, you are erased from existence, while a copy of you is kept in Jehovah's repressed memory. If you are a door-knocker, then a copy of you will be re-made in the future, and if you're a heathen, Jehovah will forget about your forever. If you are really, really, really good, you will be transformed into a formless being and sent to Heaven. Heaven, however, is short of space due to overpopulation of angels and Jehovah himself. (Remember that Jehovah has infinite size, so one Jehovah by himself occupies almost all the spaces in Heaven.) So far, there are only 144,000 spaces left in Heaven, and Jehovah is already taking an opening bid. Hell doesn't exist; it's only a fabricated science fiction propagated by Satan.

Heaven is whatever and wherever you want it to be. For most rednecks, it's a 300-square-foot double-wide with infinite Mountain Dew and Budweiser. For Blacks, it tends to be a large mansion with a very large rap collection, assorted liqueurs, and lots of crack. For Mormons it's Utah. More generally it's a large home in a very inviting neighborhood, many attractive people of both sexes (there are, of course, only two) and assorted liqueurs.

That blood transfusions are dangerous. They were laughed at for this until noted atheist Isaac Asimov died of AIDS from a blood transfusion. Said Lester Del Ray at the funeral, "We're all Witnesses now!"

Unclean things

• Pagan holidays
  • Halloween. Reason: Jehovah's Witnesses don't like strangers knocking on their doors.
  • Christmas. Reason: while Jesus asked for his funeral to be remembered for all eternity, Jesus didn't ask for his birthday to be celebrated. Mainstream Christians criticize this view by stating that Jesus was actually alluding to his wish for a surprise birthday party, which is what Christmas actually is. Jehovah's Witnesses argue that the date of Christmas, the celebration of the son of God, is derived from the celebration of Sol Invictus, a Roman pagan god of sun. Mainstream Christians explain that such date is chosen because that's the time when Christ least expect his surprise birthday party would be thrown.
  • Birthdays. Reason: Birthdays have killed too many people and made too many spoiled kids cry. Birthdays take people's minds off being generous throughout the year. Birthdays killed the Jews by overworking them to death at the pyramids, and they killed John the Baptist.
  • Thanksgiving. Reason: The original settlers and native Americans did not help Jehovah's Witnesses. This is easy to prove since Jehovah's Witnesses did not exist at that time. Note: Jehovah's Witnesses still like turkeys.
  • New Year's eve. Reason: it's noisy and annoying.
  • Easter. Reason: Eggs and bunnies are fertility symbols from paganism. Pagan symbols are Evil. They prefer to Passover this sort of celebration.
  • exception: Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Sunday, the celebration of the Solar Deity, rather than the original Sabbath of Friday evening and Saturday. In addition, certain Witness congregations also celebrate Tuesday, the celebration of the Nordic god Tyr, while many congregations celebrate Thursday to honor the Norse god Thor.
• The cross. Reason: Jesus did not die on a crisscrossed pagan cross. Jesus would absolutely have refused to die on a pagan symbol, so Jesus took out the horizontal beam and die on the phallic symbol instead.
• All governments, because the book of Revelation says that all governments are evil. This is one of the few subjects upon which their cheesy little religion may have a point.
  • Saluting the flag of governments, because it's gay.
  • United Nations. Reason: according to the book of Revelation, United Nations is either a whore or an ugly beast with multiple horns or both. Since neither possibility is attractive (at least, to a Witness it isn't. Personally I think they're both kinda hot!), United Nations is therefore utterly revolting.
  • exception: paying taxes and obeying the laws of aforementioned government is highly recommended by Jehovah's Witnesses. In fact, Jehovah's Witnesses obey the laws and pay Caesar what is Caesar's more rigorously than most people.
• Religions, because Jehovah's Witnesses say: "All religions are made and led by Satan." (Except, of course, their own.)
• Your ancestors, because they are merely programs that have been uninstalled and archived from God's memory.
• Blood transfusion, because drinking blood is just disgusting (Genesis 9:4; Leviticus 17:10; Acts 15:29), and shooting up blood is just as bad.
• Smoking. Reason: Jehovah's Witnesses figured out early that smoking isn't cool.
• Gays. Reason: Gays keep criticizing on how the suits of Jehovah's Witnesses are in the wrong colors, or how they don't fit the nuances of the seasons, etc. Furthermore, they keep annoying Jehovah's Witnesses by saying: "God made me gay." The Bible never says that Jehovah made anyone gay.
• Apostates: These are former members who infiltrated the organization, survived the Governing Body's mind control techniques, and escaped to tell the free world what really goes on up in Bethel, NY.
• Oral sex. Sex is a wonderful gift from Jehovah, but oral sex is evil. Apparently Jehovah agrees with Bill Clinton's view that oral sex isn't sex. If you want to watch a Witness really squirm, ask them about oral sex. They won't mention it if you don't ask. (If they told potential converts this up front, who the Hell would ever join?)

How to become a Witness

• Step One: Be nice to the door-knockers.

When they greet you, do say hello and be nice. Don't yell at them. Don't slam the door on them. Don't threaten them. Don't punch them. Don't kick them. Don't throw hot coffee at them. Don't order your attack dog to assault them. Don't try to poison them. Don't stab them. Don't slap their faces. Don't try to run them over with a car. Don't answer the door nude (or maybe do), with Black Sabbath blaring in your stereo.

• Step Two: Use the secret password.

After you are able to act civilized in front of the door-knockers, you need a secret password to enter the brotherhood of door-knockers. Remember: attending the Sunday meeting in the Kingdom Hall will not give you admission to the brotherhood. You literally must say the password to the visiting Witness. Remember also that you must recite the password word by word. This is the password: I want to receive a free home bible study and I want to know what the bible really teaches.

• Step Three: Develop your mental strength.

Unlike in Judaism and Islam, no one is born a Witness. Jehovah's Witnesses are made, not born. They have endured tormenting mental exercises to be able to face so many doors, just like how bodybuilders have lifted inhumane amount of weight over several months, but without the drugs. Once you have successfully recite the password, the door-knockers will help you training your mental strength with the following method:

• Endure frequent reading of an extremely boring, one-sided, and confusing text about vague subjects. In fact, while reading, you will be asked to tediously flip through thousands of pages from another book. If you are studying from the Bible, then you are probably reading the wrong translation.
• Be able to remember every detail of the aforementioned boring text. You will be asked after every paragraph, so be prepared to remember all the details, including the dots and the paper imperfections.
• Never demand explanation. Never ask questions, despite what their tract says, and never think critically or logically. What appears to you as critical thinking are actually just impulses induced by Satan's efforts to corrupt your brain. If you violate this rule and give in to the indulgence of critical thinking, your mental strength is deemed unworthy and you will be prematurely disqualified from the brotherhood.
• Step Four: Prove your mental strength.

After your weeks of intensive training, no doubt your mental strength is now above average, but how do you know that you are strong enough? Now you must face a test. You must be able to listen to weekly or bi-weekly tedious talk about vague subject with vague reasoning and never comment on it. Furthermore, you'll have to endure comments from other people which are equally vague and equally, if not more, confusing. Note: if you are not confused, then you are in the wrong meeting.

• Step Five: door-knocking tryouts

If you truly have the mental strength, you must inform your first door-knockers (whom hopefully you have not murdered yet) that you wish for a door knocking tryout. Remember to keep your ego in check, because unlike the experienced door-knocking brother or sister, your skills in door-knocking are still immature. Do not try too much and do not expect too much from your door-knocking attempts.

• Step Six: Be baptized in the method that truly cleanses you.

You have performed door knocking tryouts? Impressive. But, you are not a Witness yet. You must be baptized to be a Witness. All modern baptism methods have one critical error: they don't truly cleanse you. Baptism is supposed to cleanse you completely from head to toe and from all kinds of germs. The only way to do this is immerse you in a pool of water, preferably with soap. After all, who knows whether you actually shower daily or you are just wearing expensive perfumes. In fact, to ensure your dedication to hygiene, your baptism will be witnessed by hundreds if not thousands of people.

• Step Seven: Be a full-time door-knocker. After you have successfully been washed from various Satanic germs, you are now accepted in the universal brotherhood of door-knockers. Remember: Membership in the brotherhood is earned, not given, so you must do your share of door-knocking regularly or Jehovah himself will run a guilt trip on you by quoting from the bible.
• Step Eight: Begin your subscriptions/donations/payments to the Watchtower publications; while avoiding all others.

Now that you are a true brother, you are finally allowed to start giving money to the all-seeing governing body that is the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. You are free to read only the New World Translation of the Bible, Watchtower publications, such as Awake! and you absolutely must avoid anything that propagates the loopholes, inconsistencies, or has been created by apostates, e.g. Uncyclopedia. In fact, since you are reading this you're not a Witness – or you were, and will be forsaken, and are now an apostate. Great job.

Customs

Jehovah's Witnesses are well known for their habit of wearing suits; this is not because they are uptight dorks, but rather because most courtrooms require formal attire, and they do not want to risk being held in contempt of court. They get these suits for free at after their baptism and long study of their books. If they are caught wearing anything else but their suits, they will be condemned to riding their bikes and walking for a month.

Jehovah's Witnesses believe they are saved by their faithfulness, which shows itself in works. This means they're doomed to live their life as human drones, otherwise Jehovah will not let them have eternal life. Apart from on weekends, when they're allowed to annoy people by knocking on their door and asking them if they've found the truth. (I found the truth once and placed it in my pocket, regrettably my wife didn't look through my pants before washing them.)

Some Witnesses have become part of Jehovah's Witness Protection Program, a federal government attempt to protect them from the persecution by the International Zionist Conspiracy, Yahweh's latest attempt at extralegal settlement of his dispute with Jehovah. Contrary to the disinformation spread by false religions, the Program is not intended to protect other people from Jehovah's Witnesses, as they are well known to be mostly harmless, aside from the fact that they caused the end of the world at least nine times.

Aside from their kingdom halls and at doorsteps, Jehovah's Witnesses are most commonly found in the local Dunkin Donuts. Due to the high energy needs of their door-knocking, these shops serve as a watering hole where the witnesses can replenish their energy and formulate battle plans with their fellow evangelists.

Jehovah's Witnesses frown upon seeking higher education because according to the religion, it distracts a person from door-knocking. After all, scientific inquiries lead people to have blind fanatical faith in disputable theories about the natural world, all just because of relying too much on one badly written book. For example, many people believe in evolution just because it's written in the "Origin" book by Charles Darwin, yet note: no one human being has ever physically and personally seen evolution happening on a scale bigger than flies. No one has ever honestly seen species actually changing over millions of years; they only see the fossils and claim that it is true. What is this but blind faith? Show me the actual process (not fossils) of evolution actually happening in millions of years, and only then will I believe that evolution exists.

The only things that can keep a Witness from knocking are:

• baptism, for that is something you must witness
• Hospitalization, for they won't let you out so soon
• traps, for god understands when you're in a trap

Despite Galileo's findings, Jehovah's Witnesses are actually the first people to acknowledge that the earth is round. This is proven in their edition of the bible that says: "I am standing in the circle of the earth." Circle, in this sentence, of course refers to a globe, because a circle and a sphere are the same thing.

Satan wrote this article on steel in non-existent Hell. You can tell because it is blasphemous and anti‑Christian.

Witness holidays

Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate one holiday, an annual communion celebration known as "The Lord's Evening Meal", held during the JWish Passover. You pass around a cup of wine and a plate of matzoh crackers while some undereducated empty suit on a platform babbles incoherently about the bible. If you're really lucky, you might see somebody eat the crackers, but only if they're egotistical enough to think they are going to Heaven. There are no gifts exchanged and lively song and celebration are discouraged. It's not really a holiday, just an annual recruitment drive. I couldn't attend though, I was too busy knocking on doors of non-Christians, I was so excited my bulletproof vest came in.

Witnesses in Philadelphia celebrate, this evening meal by eating a torture cheesesteak in honor of Christ.

Witness funerals

They talk about the dead guy and how he will not be able to go to Heaven because he did not knock on enough doors in his life time, after which there will be a warning to his family members to knock on more doors or they will rot in their graves just like their loved one (at least until they come back as a zombie in the "paradise"). The rest of the sermon is also a recruitment drive for the religion.

History

Below are the first ancient and incoherent babblings of the Jehovah's Witnesses. If you haven't trained your mind to blindly accept, remember, and quote it, you aren't a Jehovah's Witness. Although, you can't be one since your reading this article, and, therefore, don't need to give a damn. If you really want to bother yourself with this, be my guest. You'll just confuse yourself.

According to experts, Jehovah's first witness was a disgruntled Seventh Day Adventist named Charles Taze Russell who combined Seventh Day Adventist's philosophy with theologies of Mary Queen of Scots and repackaged them as his own. He actually had no knowledge of Jehovah, but knocked on the courtroom door in order to try to sell books, at which point Jehovah's lawyer, Lionel Hutz, quickly dragged him in and put him on the stand.

In 1916, Russell died and another leader, "Judge" Joseph Rutherford, made his own predictions regarding the end of the world, stating that the world would end in 1925, 1936, and the 1940s. He then went on to issue various proclamations. He stated that aluminum cookware was evil, that 2nd hand smoke causes cancer, and that sitting too close to the TV causes nearsightedness if not blindness. Rutherford later passed away from syphilis (which was easily preventable due to antibiotics, but he didn't get any because Jesus came out of the sky and told him not to).

He was then replaced by Fred Franz, who in 1983 claimed that the world had ended in 1975. The world did end, but nobody really noticed as it was the 1970s. Everybody was too high to care. However, people forgot about the Jehovah's Witnesses prediction and then dismissed them as that crazy church that didn't allow people to celebrate birthdays.

The modern Witnesses have studied all the harder, and have finally come up with the day that the world is ending. Their prediction is believed to be accurate to within plus or minus three days. The day?

Wednesday.

The group currently has 6.5 million members (of whom only a fourth will enter Heaven), most of which suffer from cases of advanced intellectual bankruptcy and starchy clothing.

According to the group, they are not a cult, since cults are filled with creepy people and they are most certainly not creepy at all, except when they come to your door at 9 AM on a Saturday morning, show you magazines with pictures of 7 headed beasts, and when you're nearly converted, they tell you to limit contact with your non Witness friends before you're officially inducted in their membership.

They mainly enjoy waking people up at 9am every Sunday, Saturday and Borlandday (the new weekday invented by a business-government coalition to make people work an extra day and get taxed extra, named after Al Borland, the great Ottowa Indian god.), to tell people about a paradise where people live forever and play with vegetarian lions and all that other stuff. Despite their fervent marketing efforts, nobody is really sure what they speak about. People in response just pretend not to be home, or show up to the door naked, which shocks the sexually repressed Jehovah's Witnesses.

Satan was once a member of the Jehovah's Witness "religion", along with Judas and Barney the gay dinosaur. Satan was later cast out for accepting a blood transfusion for his illegitimate child with Saddam.

JWisms

Guide to Jehovah's Witness terminology:

• Kingdom Halls meeting halls
• Watchtower Bible and Tract Society the head office
• Pagan is basically the worst word you can use to describe anything. If they refer to anything as that – say, christmas (Christmas to everybody else), birthdays, the yin-yang symbol, fantasia, or just saying "good luck" – it means they should basically treat the thing as if the devil had sculpted it from his own turds and thrown them at you screaming something about your mother and cocks in Hell.
• False religion Zoroastrianism, Judaism, Christianity: Protestantism, Catholicism, Orthodox Christianity, Gnostics, Arianism, Mormons, all Christianity, Sunni Islam, Shia Islam, Sufi Islam, all Islam, Rastafarianism, Baha'ism, Mahayana Buddhism, Theravada Buddhism, Vajrayana Buddhism, Zen Buddhism, all Buddhism, Sikhism, Jainism, Hare Krishna, Shiva Bhakti, Kundalini Yoga, Karma Yoga, Hatha Yoga, Kriya Yoga, all Hindusim, Confucianism, Taoism, Shintoism, Communism, Atheism, Agnosticism, Rationalism, Wiccan, Reiki, Voodoo, and New Age: They are all Satan's work!

How to anger a Witness

1. If they arrive at your doorstep and ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
2. Repeat what they say.
3. Take away your door so that they can't knock (they love the knocking door sound).
4. Invite them in to see your collection of either Jewish family Haggadah or prominently displayed statues of Buddha, Krishna, and Shiva on embellished altars.
5. Ask them directions to go to a nearby protestant or catholic church.
6. Ask them to pray for somebody who has passed away.
7. Mention the failed prophecies of 1844 and 1914.
8. Look down your nose at them and say: "If you're not one of the 144,000 I don't want to talk to you." If the Witness claims to be one then say that he/she has too much of an ego, which is not a trait approved by Jehovah.
9. Draw amusing illustrations in their Bibles and Textbooks.
10. Answer the door naked, with an erection and with your body painted head to toe in blue swirly patterns. Politely inform them that you're not interested in joining a monotheistic faith but tell them they are quite welcome to come and join in the Pagan orgy that's currently going on upstairs (note: this has been tried for real by one of my workmates brothers. It worked a treat, the door-knockers were never seen again).
11. Have them watch this ...

And, just for giggles ...

How to get rid of them

Here's a quick instructional video on how to deal with the dreaded JWs, from black metal duo Murkk and Blasphemer:

See also

• Mormonism
• Extinctionism
• Neck's Witness