Neck's Witness

Neck's Witness is a religion originating in the 1900s shortly after the first Jehova's Witness's origin.. Neck's Witnesses follow strict rules, written below, but integrate into society seemingly well, unlike ratty Jehova's Witnesses and their absurd rules that encourage complete alienation from society. The religion is relatively simple and can be followed by anyone and one does not have to be born into it. Although the religion has not expanded any further than specific counties in the United Kingdom, there are no borders to the religion and can be practiced anywhere. The religion promotes pacifism, meaning violence is not especially common among worshippers. One simple undisputed fact is common among groups: Taf, the mighty god, has created an undefinable number of holders. These holders can be identified easily: they have fat on their necks so when they tilt their heads backwards at an approximate 90 degree angle to their shoulders, the fat creases creating one fold called the golden fold.

History

The first holder was named Kcen. Born in 1945 in Hiroshima, he was a cripple with an extraordinarily large mutated neck. He knew from the moment of his birth that he was "destined to become the first holder". According to him, "it is my call, and I must accept. All hail the great Taf!" He became the "Golden Holder", and his diaries are sacred scriptures to the Neck's Witnesses. All current holders aspire to be like the Golden Holder. Kcen, who died in a tragic accident in 1988, after his neck was violated by a non-believer, reportedly had his neck grabbed 1,945,958,921 times in his life. This is the most amount of grabs of any holder, and the current Silver Holder, Skcih, has 6,897,544 grabs. Skcih currently lives in the Cervical Palace, Neck Drive 1, Kent.

The first Oracle Neck occurred in 1995, when Gib Nad was born. A close follower and a friend of the Silver Holder, Gib Nad soon discovered his unique powers as an Oracle Neck. Any person who grabs this neck for more than 5 hours receives revelation on how to conduct his life. The most famous example is George W. Bush, who was told to invade Iraq, due to the Golden Fold that Saddam Hussein had, and that he must obtain. Saddam Hussein's Golden Fold is presumably located in one of the White House's many secret chambers, each usually being guarded by security cameras. George Bush, however, has claimed that Saddam Hussein's Golden Fold "no longer provides revelations after intense usage" in a press conference weeks after Saddam Hussein's death in April 2003.

The first female holder was Xof Nagem, who was recognized as a holder in 2005. The membership of the Neck's Witnesses tripled after this information was released on the web. She was later discovered to be an oracle neck by Bill Clinton, who held her neck for an unprecedented 72 hours. He never said what he received during this "oracle holding". She has since been dubbed the Sexy Neck, but this is not officially accepted by the Silver Neck.

Ideology

Although the ideology varies from religious group to religious group, the main rules are written in stone.

1. Holders must be treated like human beings, as they are, but abuse is tolerated. Abuse is defined as minor offenses that may damage, but not permanently harm, the holder.
2. The holder's neck must not be harmed to a point of evoking pain on the holder.
3. The neck may not bleed. The spilling of blood from the neck is a major offense to the religion and those responsible will be expelled from the religion and shunned permanently.
4. A monthly pilgrimage to the neck must be made in order to show respect to Taf.
5. Respect is shown by grabbing the neck with one's right hand only.
6. Alcoholic beverages are permitted and recommended, but only two: Jaegermeister and Vodka.
7. Neck's Witnesses must not consume vegetables in liquid form.
8. The eating of meat is highly recommended.
9. During holder's day, August 15th, only candy or highly sugary substances can be consumed.
10. No buildings made to worship Taf can be built, Taf is shy and wouldn't want that.
11. The objective of the religion is to go to "Nevaeh", a beautiful place near the United Arab Emirates. It is located in the desert and can be entered only after death, as a living human body cannot endure the blazing heat of the desert.
12. To be granted access to the sacred area, one must cause mild suffering to the holder, as Taf will have pity on him and allow him and those who abused him into Nevaeh.
13. It is a sin to eat popcorn.
14. It is not recommended that a Neck's Witness study mathematics, but if one does it must be at the lowest level offered at the place of education.
15. Nuts of any form must not be consumed, not even the nuts in M&Ms, and especially not them.
16. Consumption of fish, or coming in contact with any form of sea food is prohibited.

How to identify a holder

Holders can either be identified by their golden fold or they can be identified in different ways.

1. Holders can urinate extremely loudly, which is described by some as "as loud as torrential rain".
2. Holders are usually lazy and do not participate in any sports with the exception of drinking.
3. Holders are usually stereotypes of the nations they are from.
4. Holders are always left-handed.

Notable followers of Neck's Witnesses

• George Bush
• Sunny Moore (Skrillex)
• Osama bin Laden
• Adolf Hitler
• Alec Baldwin
• Seth Rogen