This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
So, it's your first day at your new job, <insert name here>. Welcome to Big Animal Hunting Co.. As our newest employee, you are under our discretion to do whatever we want with you. But don't worry, we have been looking for someone very talented and trained to take over the position of Crocodile Hunter. Now, I understand that you went to a very reputable institution for four years to earn a Bachelor's Degree in Crocodile Hunting, but in this position, you will only occasionally be working with actual crocodiles. To get a good feel for all of the responsibilities expected from you here at BAHC, our last employee left behind his employee handbook before he had to leave the company. We all miss Steve, but it was the right time for him to go. Anyway, here's his handbook. It should tell you everything you need to know to do the job correctly. So, get to reading. You have a busy day ahead of you!
- 1 BAHC Employee Handbook: Crocodile Hunting
BAHC Employee Handbook: Crocodile Hunting
Aw, Crikey, mate! Welcome to Big Animal Hunting Co.'s Crocodile Hunting Department. If you're reading this, then you've got yourself a new
show on the Discovery Channel job here at BAHC. Now, I won't fool you, crocodile hunting isn't easy and it takes a real man to handle all of the responsibilities, but you've got the job, so you must be a real man! Anyway, crocodile hunting isn't the main focus of the job. It's just a title that the company came up with to attract more clients. The main focus of the job is hunting animals. Of all kinds! The book is broken down into chunks to make it easier to learn. Let's start the discovery, mates!
Section One:Identifying Animals
Animals generally have an outer coating of something to protect their soft, pink insides from harm. For most animals, it consists of fur, feathers, scales, carbon steel or latex. In the event that an animal has no exterior, notify The Police. Sting will handle it from there.
Animals are usually filled with organs and bones. When prepared correctly, they can be quite delicious in a curry sauce (see section 63: Cooking with Animals). These are to be LEFT INTACT while the animal is alive. Do not use them for your own purposes We don't need another lawsuit. So now that you know how to identify animals, let's break them down into smaller categories to cover how to deal with them.
Mammals are a type of animal. One of the distinguishing characteristics of mammals is the fact that they have hair covering all of their body. They also produce milk for their babies through the mother's nipples. They are warm blooded and can be sliced open to make a dwelling if the storms on Hoth are bad enough. Most mammals have teeth. Except for the really old ones, like grandpa. Some common examples of mammals are dogs, cats, monkeys, bears, small dogs,
birds, large dogs, raccoons, dogs, Chewbacca, dogs and dogs.
Dogs can be difficult to hunt for anyone who has never been human. To find a dog, whistle, prefferably in a populated area. A dog will either come running to greet you. Then, simply follow correct protocol to succesfully capture or do whatever you want to the dog. For additional tips on training a dog, please see Section 6
The first step to Guido Hunting is to know exactly WHAT a guido is. A, "Guido," or "Italian" is an Italian. They can be characterized by being extremely greasy, hairy and thinking that they're better than everyone else, especially because they are. Male guidos often wear muscle shirts and are have very dense muscular heads, though their intelligence is that of a 6-year-old. They can easily be distracted with a weight set or a mirror, as they are sexually attracted to their own reflections. Female guidos are known for their long, dark hair, Dark Tans and gaudy jewelry. Luckily, a female guido, though physically tougher than a male guido, can be rendered docile with a single punch to the face. When in this calm state, they can then be restrained, transported, and studied. To attract a guido, one must simply play loud jungle noises anywhere in the state of New Jersey. Upon hearing the music, the Guidos will gather and become distracted with food, drink and ritualistic mating dances.
A fish is any creature which lives predominantly underwater. There are no exceptions to this rule. Most fish have scales which cover the entirety of their body, which act as a kind of armor against any kind of attack. Some have skin, but we in the business like to call them "Freaks". To find most types of fish, you need a body of water, such as a lake, sea, swamp, or "The Ocean", that one song by Led Zeppelin, and you will need a boat.
Sharks are harmless, docile beasts who will only attack when provoked. In order to catch a shark, simply douse yourself in fish blood and jump into the water. The sharks will quickly gather around you and begin to clean your body, each taking a turn until you are clean.
Stingrays are nothing to be worried about, and are completely harmless. In fact, I am writing this entry as I attempt to capture a sti