Gangnam Style
So I am out there in this beautiful place called Gangnam.[1] There was a beautiful lady who walked past by when I was dreaming, playing tennis in the courtyard. But when I woke up, it was just a dream, I found myself in some public park underneath an umbrella lying down on a deckchair. There was that kid, who I say was eight years old, dancing around in the courtyard next to the playground full of children. I thought I lived a high life, but no, I am too poor to do that.
So I wanted to live a Gangnam Style life, and I want the bitches saying, "Oppan[2], you are the Gangnam Style". Those guys in Gangnam are cool, rich, and slim. They spent shitloads of won on buying luxury goods like Rolexes, Mercedes-Benz cars and lavish plastic surgery since they are ugly and are new money. They are also slim due to the tonnes of exercise and yoga (or is it yeoja?) I desire that style, but it was impossible since I was caught doing weed ten years ago.
Chapter 1: I Was In A Playground!
That kid was dancing around me, and I took a sip of something that looked like Coke, but I spat it out because it had gone warm. Yeuch! I hated that taste. I don't drink alcohol at daytime, thank you very much, except probably the occasional Cass Light[3]. And some of that stuff landed on that dancing kid. I got up, and left the playground for home, put that damn suit on and go visit the stables to practice my dancing moves, because tonight, I got a dance competition, and the Koreans are desperate for me to come up with some cool new dance moves, and I thought the moves out for a month. I called the move, in which I pretend I was riding a horse, "the jockey". I wanted to impress and go out with a woman, especially one that who drinks some 5000 won[4] coffee from Starbucks or Lotteria or something. But due to my constant coffee drinking habit of which I do one-shots, often with multiple cups of coffee, at the office, I was in a hallucination. I wanted a girl who could appreciate that I one-shot the damn coffee, drinks some damn coffee, and finally, she is of damn new money. Gangnam is the happening for those nouveau riche girls, and the old money stay at the similarly named Gangbuk or something, but I don't fucking care about this place, because I swear in my life to not write a song called "Gangbuk Style"[5].
I walked to Trade Tower and went to the roof top, where I did some sort of animal-like move. Then I walked in the alleyway with a couple of girls by my side, and I said to them, "I want both of you! Yes, you!" whilst being pelted at by something that looks like an automatic ice maker. But no, it was garbage. Lots of rubbish flowing around the alleyway, and we are pelted by it. At least we got out of the damn trash receptacle-cum-ice maker. I felt really smelly. Not good. One of the girls told me, "Jae-sang, for fuck's sake, can we go somewhere else? I'm covered in so much of the trash and shredded newspapers!" I told her, "Put the goggles on!" She said, "They do nothing!" I blew my chance at dating the two girls. I had a really awesome trip around the area. I went to the sauna where I got a good washdown and there's a gangster right nearby. I asked him if he got any dance moves, and he is showing me some pretty cool dance moves that I can learn from him. I was dancing inside the senior's bus and shouting like a maniac. They threw me out of the bus, and I found myself in a wasteland. I danced on this wasteland alone. Behind me are two gardeners who are doing gardening. They're pulling the weeds out. I threw a small explosive device behind me, pressed the fuse button and the bomb exploded. The gardeners are shocked! And I shouted, "It's Gangnam Style, bitch!"
Chapter 2: I was dancing on the promenade of the Han River
I was hopping, pretending to be a kangaroo on the bank of the Han River[6], saying "Op, op, op! Oppan Gangnam Style" as I pass by to many people. I went to the hire shop and asked the man if I can hire a boat. He said it's 50000 won[7] for hiring it. He rode the boat around the river and I danced on top of it. He said, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Dancing. I got a dance-off tonight".
The boat ride lasted for 30 minutes. After that boat ride, I continued dancing on the riverbank. There are a dozen girls dressed in shorts and T-shirts doing their yoga. I danced around sidestepping myself across them. And I was stunned at their size of their ass! I stood behind one of them and gawk at it, and I moved my arm from the top down while gaping my mouth open. She turned around and said, "What are you doing, pervert?" and smacked me in the face. My God, it hurts. And that pain of being smacked is very sharp.
So I ran off before she assaulted me again with that stinging slap of hers. I ran to the underground carpark in a building, and there are more people practising dancing. There's a guy wearing a yellow suit who was exiting the carpark in a red Mercedes-Benz convertible, and stopped his car suddenly when he saw us dancing. He got out of his car, walked towards me, tapped on my shoulder, pushed me aside and said, "Psy, this is not how you dance. Watch this!" He danced beautifully, showing me some of his shuffling. I dance with him as well, but then he got back in the car and drove off. I went to the elevator at the carpark, and there was a guy wearing a hat, shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. He knocked me down into the floor and started pulling an LMFAO on me, by thrusting his crotch. I felt really uncomfortable. And there he was, swinging his nuts at peoples faces as we travel up the lift. I can even feel his thrusting movements.[8] I explained to him that I wanted to find a girl who loves coffee and is really sexy, but doesn't go out and strip down like some whore. "You may look as fat as Kim Jong-un, but you have more talent than him", he replied. "I am a guy with ideas and knows when to PARTY!" I exclaimed back. He got out of the elevator, and I went down again.
Chapter 3: I Walked To The Subway Station
Knowing that the guy in the yellow suit left and I forgot to ask for his damn mobile phone number, I walked out of the carpark and into the subway station opposite the road, waiting for the subway I will catch to go to my next stop: the spa, because I'm going to swim there. At the gate, I got my card out, scanned it and the door opened. I have to go to Platform 2 if I wanted to go to the spa. The subway stopped, and the doors opened. And inside the train it was almost empty save for the red-haired girl, who looked really cute. Fucking A, I want her so bad. She got up and danced on the subway pole like a stripper. I went inside the subway, and blindly in love I went close to her.
Then I caressed her because of her beauty. I dragged her out, even though she was shouting cutely, "No! No! Don't drag me! I have to get back home!"
I replied, "Oh really?"
"Yes!" she said.
I stopped dragging her. I then asked, "What's your name? I saw you on TV the other day".
"The name's Hyun-A. I just finished doing the recording for my song", she replied cutely, in a high-pitched voice. She was beautiful. She wore an orange dress, a white oversized t-shirt, and lots of jewelry, especially with the earring in the shape of a Christian cross. She was on her way back home after she did some recording of her music for her group 4Minute. She was heading towards a solo career currently, I believe[9].
"I'm gonna teach you a move. This would help you for your next music video", I told her.
She brought her bag, got out of the subway, and several other people came out as well just to watch me at Gangnam Station. And we danced. Again. Showing off my moves to everyone they started dancing with me as well.
"You must be Psy!" the bystander shouted.
"That's right!" I shouted back.[10]
I caught the next subway, and I arrived three stations later. I got off the subway, out of the station and crossed the road, doing the same kangaroo bounce I did on the promenade. Afterwards, I arrive at the swimming pool. The swimming pool building was surrounded by natural scenery, which is just slapped on during construction. I caught the next subway, and I arrived three stations later. I got off the subway, out of the station and crossed the road, doing the same kangaroo bounce I did on the promenade. Afterwards, I arrive at the swimming pool. The swimming pool building was surrounded by natural scenery, which is just slapped on during construction. After I bought the ticket, I swam a couple of laps on the pool, and went on a relaxing dip at the spa. I dived down in the spa, and went up, taking breaths while chanting, "Op, op, op, Oppan Gangnam Style". Then the guy next to me was irritated and told me, "Psy, shut up". I got out because I felt that I am relaxed. I imagined myself dancing with a lovely lady that I just met, and then I found myself in the toilet doing a poop. The hell?
The night of the dance
It was the big night. There are shitloads of people around, and even more shitloads of people around who are watching. I thought to myself, "I have to do my best and impress!" This came to me: all the dances that people taught me, the weird moves that I did during the day. Suddenly, I was called up on the stage. I started doing all of these dance moves. I put up a very good performance and everyone is cheering for me after my four minutes of dancing. It was epic. And Hyun-A even went on the dance floor and danced with me.
After three hours of watching other people dance, they called my name out and said that I was a winner of the dance-off. "Me? A winner?" I said. The judge of the dance replied, "You are really original with some of the moves, but you made a spectacle of yourself. I believe that you did an excellent job". I won five hundred million won. It was the greatest day of my life. The whole crowd cheered, even the dancers.
Epilogue
Everyone loved me at long last. I wrote all about this weird trip to my dance-off as a song, and on July 15, this song was released, along with my sixth album called 6甲 (six penises or something). My music video, which was based on the same trip, became the most watched and also the fastest growing amount of viewers, at around 700 million views[11], and I travelled to Southeast Asia, the United States, Europe and Australia talking to interviewers and people about how my song came into being[12]. It was so successful, I signed into a new record label for America, though I still do not know what to do with the contract I got from YG Entertainment. Also, I got a new girlfriend. I finally found a girlfriend who would drink coffee with me, do one shots, and lived in Gangnam too! So everyday now I go out with her. Today, she proposed to me and asked if I can marry her. I'm thinking about it now.[13]
I'm Psy, and this is my story of how I made Gangnam Style. But now, I am sick of this shit sometimes. Please do not prank call me and shout "Oppan Gangnam Style". OK? I have a gun, and I have years of military experience. On a side note, I used to hate America. But now I am embracing it once I learned that even Americans hated the Iraq War.
Eh...... sexy lady!
References
- ↑ A place in Seoul, South Korea.
- ↑ Oppan: a Korean honorific that means "older brother", but used by women only.
- ↑ Cass: A popular beer in South Korea
- ↑ Around $5 (United Statesian)
- ↑ Well, it is my working title for my sixth album, but it wasn't working, and the guys really don't give a shit since Gangbuk is irrelevant in South Korea, compared to Gangnam.
- ↑ Han River: The main river that flowed through Seoul
- ↑ $50 (United States)
- ↑ And for your information we are not making some pornographic parody!
- ↑ And released her song Ice Cream to a lukewarm response. I was in her music video!
- ↑ I wanted to add 'bitch' but at the last minute I didn't because I can't be rude to women now. Not since 2010, when the assholes at Seoul banned my music video. Then they banned it again in 2013 when I wrote "Gentlemen".
- ↑ And counting
- ↑ The Japanese unfortunately didn't want me.
- ↑ Oops. I forgot I was already married.
