Portal:Politics
Politics is the art of being wrong. The name is based on the words Poly and Ticks, Poly meaning many, and ticks meaning blood sucking parasites. Politics therefore means many blood thirsty parasites. Basically these politics/politiks or politicians, exist to drink the blood of the citizens of a nation. There are generally three categories of politicians: liberals, moderates, and conservatives. Each are equally partial to the sweet, sweet fuckred liquor of the populace. Conservatives want to make all but the the richest 1% into slave laborers who are forced to build giant pyramids, whereas Liberals want to allow gays to legally marry you against your will. Moderates strike a balance between the two positions, arguing that gays can only force you into a "civil union" and that everyone should have the option of building giant pyramids. Besides these groups, other known practitioners of politics include waitresses, who are most proficient at doing so while businessmen slowly get stoned. (See more...)
Capitalism, more widely known as crapitalism, derives its roots from the Latin words capital ("head") and ism ("gooey, cheese-like substance"). It was created by a group of men calling themselves the "justification league". Capitalism has been misunderstood by the left and right of the political spectrum: Capitalism's ultimate purpose is to allow those born into luxury to justify to themselves that they deserve it, and to give those not born into luxury a life purpose to dismiss those creating wealth as "oppressors". It Can Also Mean The Study and Worship Of CAPITAL LETTERS.
Capitalism is a system of idiot economics that entails the rights of the elite to control the means of production and enslave the workers, with limited state control and judicially preserved property "rights". This system rewards those who create what the market is demanding, even if the market is demanding more videos of Tara Reid's deformed nipple slip or microwavable cheese products. You have to be a douchebag and a sellout willing to step on the meek to get anywhere.
| “ | Inflation is as violent as a mugger, as frightening as an armed robber and as deadly as a hit man | ” |
— Ronald Reagan, on some guy named Inflation
| ||
Colonel Bernard "Bernie" Sanders (born September 8, 1941) is an alleged U.S. Senator and dirty communist representing the 9,615-square mile patch of progressive insanity that is Vermont. After having served nearly a quarter of a century in federal office, a demented Sanders had developed delusions of grandeur, and announced a 2016 presidential candidacy, genuinely believing America was ready to elect a senile socialist to the White House.
Aided by an army of young white people with money and the Internet, Sanders had become a popular "meme" candidate, along with Donald Trump and, previously, Ron Paul. Sadly, another political underdog with her anti-establishment vagina won the primary and the nomination, and the millennials who upvoted him to success will hang their heads in shame, their nascent political optimism crushed by reality's cold grip. With Trump's ascendancy to the Presidency, all the political pragmatists who said, "Bernie is a pie-in-the-sky choice, choose compromise," will hang their heads from their ceiling fans. You fuckers.
When Sanders was a young man, Eugene V. Debs told him: "Socialism ain't that bad. Here, read some pamphlets." He's been a leftist ever since. Sanders was mayor of Burlington, Vermont, for several years, turning the cozy New England hamlet into a repressive socialist dictatorship. Dozens of Bernie Sanders statues were built in the city, and hundreds of bunkers were constructed, dotting the landscape like goosebumps on a moderate Democrat.
- ... that U.S. President John F. Kennedy started the Peace Corps, a secret CIA project to dump potentially troubling bleeding-heart hippies abroad?
- ... that in the China, reading this website will lower your social credit score by five points per visit?
- ... that a Civil War is a form of warfare defined by its kindness and civility, in stark contrast to other methods like total warfare?
- ... that the death of Muammar Gaddafi has severed the thread of prophecy, and now we must persist in the doomed world we have created?
- ... that the UKIP political manifesto included a section on using homeless people to save the endangered red squirrel?
-
Art
Peak pretentiousness -
Business
Money, money, money! -
Comedy
The science of funny -
Culinary
Food for the soul -
Film
Enter the Matrix -
Games
Recess time -
Gay
A gay ol' time -
Geography
Get lost -
History
Factually wrong -
Literature
Literally illiterate -
Internet
A series of tubes -
Music
Rock on! -
Politics
Politically incorrect -
People
The people's portal -
Religion
Speak of the Devil -
Science
Playing to be God -
Society
We live in one -
Technology
Breaking stuff easier -
Television
Turn your brain off -
Theatre
To be or not to be -
Video Games
Better than sex -
Zoology
Beware of furries -
Portals
Meta-Portal -
Community
The Community -
Main Page
The Uncyclopedia
