You should talk about ponies - A letter to Bill Richardson
October 14, 2006,
Dear Gov. Richardson,
- It has come to my attention that you are the most experienced politician running for the presidency. I want you to know, you have my support. Your plan to fix Medicare is ingenious. Your past experience as an ambassador to the United Nations during the Clinton administration shows you are ready to deal with threats from foreigners far more readily than any other candidate. Plus, your experience as the former Secretary of Energy shows you are the only person ready to deal with the upcoming energy crisis in this country.
- I see almost no way you could possibly lose the upcoming primaries. That is, unless Hillary Clinton decides to finally run for president! But, come on, if she had ever intended to run, it would have been in 2004! No, I'm sure she'll never run. And that Obama guy doesn't stand a chance against you. The only competition you'll have is in the general election against Giuliani, but come on. The only thing that guy has is 9/11 (just like John McCain only has skin cancer). You've got this election locked up. Trust me.
- But, I have noticed you have neglected one crucial voting block in this country. Women. Don't worry, though. I have a foolproof way to lock up the female vote.
You should talk about ponies.
- We all know that women love ponies. Just go and look at any six year old girl's Christmas list. What is the one thing you see each on each of them? No, not Barbies. Look closer. Not at the girls, at their Christmas lists! Now, tell me, what do you see? That's right. They all want a pony. Even that little dyky girl. Not the one who has that dog. The one who lives across the street from the crazy foreigner. Yeah, that's the one!
- Just think about that for a second. How many of them do you think will get a pony? Six, maybe seven? This wish to have a pony will stay with most women for their entire lives. They'd do anything to own a pony. All you have to do is promise a pony to every woman who votes for you. When you become President, you can just claim that was just them imagining you said that. They'll forget after about a week or so, anyway.
- Just think about it. Don't let Giuliani beat you to it. If he makes that promise, you'll be screwed. You gotta beat him to it. His ex-wives all have ponies, for-Christ-sakes! You gotta make the promise first!
- Hell, it'll help you secure the gay vote, too! Gay men love ponies!
- Dexter Douglass - Super-teen extraordinaire
- *P.S. I heard you plan for your campaign rally call to be Yes we can. That's stupid. Don't use it.
- **P.P.S. Women also tend to love guys with beards. Grey, scruffy ones! Also, they love it when men get a little chubby. It makes them feel better about themselves. You should do it. You know, just grow a grey beard and gain some weight. Trust me. You'll thank me later.
- ***P.P.P.S. I heard from someone that you're Hispanic. I punched him in the nose. There's no WAY a guy named Bill Richardson is a Spic.
Yes! Ponies rule!